Without giving a whole story....what happens when nobody wants to care for your elderly parent and they can't care for themselves? I don't want to do it anymore and my brothers and sister won't.
With due respect to iknowthetruth, not everyone agrees that our parents are safer with us than in an institution, and not everyone feels that keeping them at home is the only right thing to do. I don't want to start an argument here, but it bothers me to see judgments laid on people's choices, especially by total strangers. And the OP isn't seeking our judgment or our blessings here, just information, as far as I can tell.
My Dad is healthier in the nursing home than he was at his own home. The nursing home makes sure he eats regularly, tests his blood sugar, takes his medication on time, etc. At home - he refused to let my step mom help him with medicine - slept odd hours, ate odd hours and was ill. After he went into the nursing home - he discharged 40 pounds of liquids that were building up, he is stronger, and more cheerful.
If you cannot do it anymore - you can bow out and resume your life- call Area Agency on Aging to let them know vulnerable adult living alone. Do what you want to do for your loved one - but no rule says you have to become a slave or give up your own life to be a martyr.
Sounds like you have made yourself and your girls, and soon probably your new guy as well completely subservient to Mom. Other sibs have ditched her because of her rude attitude. Come to find out that after you got her $75,000,she’s given most of it away to one of those who ditched her. She’s verbally abusive, rude, controlling and feels entitled to treat you any way she wants. She won’t meet you even half-way on any suggestions you make. You say you will bring her and Dad with when you move to start your new life with this great guy and continue this unsatisfactory life in a new place.
It is not your life if Mom is living it for you, which she is. She’s also controlling your girls’ lives. If you don’t stand up firmly for yourself, your girls and your guy, you’re condemned to repeat history. If you truly want to change this situation, send a registered letter to your sibs. Tell them you’re done with being an abused caregiver. Give them 90 days to come up with a plan and after that, you and your little family are out. Let them call APS if they want to. No longer you’re responsibility. You can only be abused if you let yourself be.
I know I am not cut out for personal care giving, period. Nobody would be happy if I had to care for a parent or anyone else fulltime. My mother knows that and knows that when she can no longer live independently, she will be moving into assisted living. Mum chose the nursing home she would like to live in many years ago.
Mum volunteered with Hospice and friendly visitor's and has been in all the local nursing homes A/L and has no qualms about moving into one when the time is right.
My brother has Dad living with him, db, thinks he can manage having Dad there until the end. Right now Dad is mostly independent, who knows what will happen down the road, but that is there problem.
I am a good organizer, but I am not a care giver.
And I am already having conversations with my kids about the fact that I do not expect them to become my caregivers down the road.
Kimber, totally agree. My mother was healthier in a ANF than shed been in years. Once a parent is in need of trained eyes, a good AL or SNF is much better than amateurs guessing at the right thing to do.
A little more detail would help. Are you living with Mom now? Is it your home or her home? What are Mom's needs? Is there money to hire paid help?
If you're wondering what actually happens in the real world when nobody wants the job, I can tell you that. Somebody takes the job anyway, and it's usually the person who has already stepped up. It's a "Tag, you're it!" or a "Hot potato" situation. It's hard to unwind the situation once it's started, and hard to reverse or change the parent's expectations as well. Generally the uninvolved siblings feel that they dodged a bullet, and they're not about to give up that advantage voluntarily.
If your mother can afford assisted living, then I would scope out nearby places and maybe take her to tour a few. Apart from that, I don't know. More information about your specific situation would be helpful.
Cat, Why do you want to live with someone that gives you so much grief?
Your mom is bedridden and belongs in a facility. Like a previous poster said, your girls are going to make lives of their own one day and your new honey will be working, so are you going to have mom and dad at your new home and you're doing all the caregiving? I'll give you 3 years before you have a major breakdown, either physical or mental. Then they will have to move.
It seems you want to have them with you (because you feel you should) but you are having trouble coping with them. This is not a healthy situation to start a new life with your wonderful man.
Talk to mom as if YOU were the mother. Tell her you will no longer be able to be her caregiver. Suggest alternatives but have her spend her remaining cash on her own care. She's not going to change her behavior because she'd be in a new house.
Catmomma, if you didn't exist and your brothers and sister didn't exist, what would your options be then?
Research care options and care facilities in your parent's location and see what services are available.
I can't help feeling that I'm not hearing your whole question. Because the answer I've given isn't anything that isn't obvious... so what are the other factors?
Rash promises to now-deceased other parent? Guilt? Tender-heartedness? Just not knowing where to start?
Catmomma, you sound like so many abuse victims who have fallen in love with their abuser. It is called the Stockholm effect. It is a condition that causes hostages to develop a psychological alliance with their captors as a survival strategy during captivity. No wonder you don't really hear what your therapist is saying about leaving your mother. Plus, you have effectively taught your daughters to abide by the same psychological alliance. It is your choice to remain a captive and an abuse victim, but I sure would not.
Catmomma, your mom is a narcissist, please google psychology today, how narcissist really think. You must NOT bring this toxic person into your home, they have the money to pay for care, if your dad doesn't want to remain live in partners, he is financially able to make it where he chooses. She can self pay and the brother she is gifting can deal with her needs until she qualifies for medicaid. I am not trying to be hurtful or mean, take the animals that your daughter wants and call the SPCA, she can't do a thing for those animals herself. Without your daughters and yourself those poor things will suffer and that is unacceptable, you enable her to be what she is. You said she has always been this way, it will never change, she will start bullying her wishes on all in the house, your home, because she was fine and you made her move. Please rethink having her live with you, you have found a great guy are you really willing to lose him? We all have our breaking points and from what you've said, your mom will push and push until she gets her way, she has no boundaries so do not kid yourself that she will behave more appropriately. She has an excuse or argument for everything and anything that doesn't suit her.
My dad is the same way and quite frankly I never learned, nor do I want to learn how to accept and live in the chaos and hate that these people thrive on, I mean, really who finds name calling and degradation acceptable? You can have empathy, just don't offer your daughters, your BF, your home or yourself as sacrifices to this woman called mom. If she won't accept professional help, she may very well be drug screaming and kicking from an unsafe environment, this would be her doing, not yours. She has trained you well to be her scratching post, please stop the insanity for your daughters sake, show them you can love and help without being devoured, that boundaries are good and that our personal choices have personal consequences and sometimes they are as ugly as the personality that made them.
Sorry I am so long winded, I am literally freaking out that you think you can change your mom, you can't and you and your daughters deserve soooo much better then she will ever give you. She is all she cares about or she would not be bedridden, jump, fetch, carry, you trashy dresser, you owe me, my house my rules, blah, blah blah... That's what she is conditioning you all to get used to, she has shown you who and what she is, BELIEVE HER.
May God give you strength to let her live her life and the courage to live yours without her.
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If you cannot do it anymore - you can bow out and resume your life- call Area Agency on Aging to let them know vulnerable adult living alone. Do what you want to do for your loved one - but no rule says you have to become a slave or give up your own life to be a martyr.
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It is not your life if Mom is living it for you, which she is. She’s also controlling your girls’ lives. If you don’t stand up firmly for yourself, your girls and your guy, you’re condemned to repeat history. If you truly want to change this situation, send a registered letter to your sibs. Tell them you’re done with being an abused caregiver. Give them 90 days to come up with a plan and after that, you and your little family are out. Let them call APS if they want to. No longer you’re responsibility. You can only be abused if you let yourself be.
I know I am not cut out for personal care giving, period. Nobody would be happy if I had to care for a parent or anyone else fulltime. My mother knows that and knows that when she can no longer live independently, she will be moving into assisted living. Mum chose the nursing home she would like to live in many years ago.
Mum volunteered with Hospice and friendly visitor's and has been in all the local nursing homes A/L and has no qualms about moving into one when the time is right.
My brother has Dad living with him, db, thinks he can manage having Dad there until the end. Right now Dad is mostly independent, who knows what will happen down the road, but that is there problem.
I am a good organizer, but I am not a care giver.
And I am already having conversations with my kids about the fact that I do not expect them to become my caregivers down the road.
If you're wondering what actually happens in the real world when nobody wants the job, I can tell you that. Somebody takes the job anyway, and it's usually the person who has already stepped up. It's a "Tag, you're it!" or a "Hot potato" situation. It's hard to unwind the situation once it's started, and hard to reverse or change the parent's expectations as well. Generally the uninvolved siblings feel that they dodged a bullet, and they're not about to give up that advantage voluntarily.
If your mother can afford assisted living, then I would scope out nearby places and maybe take her to tour a few. Apart from that, I don't know. More information about your specific situation would be helpful.
Why do you want to live with someone that gives you so much grief?
Your mom is bedridden and belongs in a facility. Like a previous poster said, your girls are going to make lives of their own one day and your new honey will be working, so are you going to have mom and dad at your new home and you're doing all the caregiving?
I'll give you 3 years before you have a major breakdown, either physical or mental. Then they will have to move.
It seems you want to have them with you (because you feel you should) but you are having trouble coping with them. This is not a healthy situation to start a new life with your wonderful man.
Talk to mom as if YOU were the mother. Tell her you will no longer be able to be her caregiver. Suggest alternatives but have her spend her remaining cash on her own care. She's not going to change her behavior because she'd be in a new house.
Research care options and care facilities in your parent's location and see what services are available.
I can't help feeling that I'm not hearing your whole question. Because the answer I've given isn't anything that isn't obvious... so what are the other factors?
Rash promises to now-deceased other parent?
Guilt?
Tender-heartedness?
Just not knowing where to start?
My dad is the same way and quite frankly I never learned, nor do I want to learn how to accept and live in the chaos and hate that these people thrive on, I mean, really who finds name calling and degradation acceptable? You can have empathy, just don't offer your daughters, your BF, your home or yourself as sacrifices to this woman called mom. If she won't accept professional help, she may very well be drug screaming and kicking from an unsafe environment, this would be her doing, not yours. She has trained you well to be her scratching post, please stop the insanity for your daughters sake, show them you can love and help without being devoured, that boundaries are good and that our personal choices have personal consequences and sometimes they are as ugly as the personality that made them.
Sorry I am so long winded, I am literally freaking out that you think you can change your mom, you can't and you and your daughters deserve soooo much better then she will ever give you. She is all she cares about or she would not be bedridden, jump, fetch, carry, you trashy dresser, you owe me, my house my rules, blah, blah blah... That's what she is conditioning you all to get used to, she has shown you who and what she is, BELIEVE HER.
May God give you strength to let her live her life and the courage to live yours without her.
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