My father in law has recently contacted us to move in with my husband and I who have yet to reach our 2 year wedding anniversary (he's in his early 50's). We are not in the best financial situation and we are currently trying to start recovering from it all. My father in law (FIL) receives a small check every month for disability (has been out of work since his 40's) due to who know what reason...I believe something everyone would consider not giving up your life on. He has been feeling sorry for himself all of these years and instead of taking care of himself, he has gotten into the bad habit of smoking and eating unhealthy which has now caused his health to deteriorate. My husband had told him long ago that he needs to take care of himself, but my FIL would come up with excuses, start feeling sorry for himself, and cry. Now he is doing the same thing as he has just found out that he has been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. He wants us to pick him up as soon as possible because he is panicking (he thinks this is the end for him). Mind you, he lives in a different state in a small house (his house) with his sister and husband. What do we do in this situation?
Background: He's single, my husband is his only child, he has no job, and under disability.
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But NO, do not fly to his side and no, he can’t move in.
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When someone is the only child of a parent with iffy coping skills (I was), it is easy for your hubby to maybe not recognize this one simple thing: FIL’s “ask” is inappropriate.
Without being too harsh, you need to make your husband understand how foolhardy it would be to take on FIL.
Research the sh*t out of social services for FIL where he lives. Share. The end.
This is the time in your lives for hubby to make an investment in your life together — the two of you. Your relationship, your needs and your financial security come first.
And no, moving the mooch in with you will not boost your household income. With no overhead expenses, FIL will simply do more unwise things with his limited income.
I’m not saying cut FIL out of your life. I’m not saying don’t visit. I’m not saying don’t care. But you two — especially hubby — need boundaries. Stat.
I stink at all the right words. That’s what the other folks on this forum do so well. And they will.
For now, take away the spirit of my message. Keep coming back to AC Forum for support, and you’ll learn to develop a respectful “script” that illustrates to hubby where his priorities need to be.
Big hugs! This stuff is hard.
P.S. How do SIL & her hubby honestly feel about semi-supporting the not-so-old coot? And giving up their privacy in exchange for his free ride? (Important: Not your problem. But the true vibe of their home life will inform the conversations you & hubby need to have — with yourselves and with his family. Knowing the score on that front will also help you & hubby create effective boundaries.)
P.P.S. Was FIL really diagnosed with R.A.? Or is this just drama??
If your husband wants to help his Dad be prepared with alternative ways he can do that. Helping to identify a R.A. specialist, for example. If (for some reason) he comes to your star, be prepared to have identified low income housing options.
Communications is an important element of a marriage, you really have to be honest. If you are active in an organized religion, perhaps a clergy member can be a mediator.
Your husband "feels trapped and doesn't see another alternative." Oh-oh. Not a good sign of clear thinking. The decision already feels doomed.No alternative except to live with a child? Nonsense! What does your husband think happens to elders who have no children or whose children are handicapped themselves or who live across the country? Here is a hint: these fine old folks do not live in a cardboard box under an overpass. There are resources to help. That is what your FIL should be focusing on, and what your alternative is -- work on getting him some community help.
Could his sister and BIL research what would be available in his current community? Would they be willing to? Could he continue to live in his own home if he has some help? A visiting nurse, a companion, help with cleaning and laundry, meals on wheels, etc. ?
He is on disability. Does he have a case worker? That might be a place to start. The case worker may not be able to help directly but most likely can direct FIL to community resources.
Moving in with his only child is one alternative. But from here it sure looks like the worst one!
If FIL moves in, I can almost guarantee that your marriage will end in divorce. Then the two of them can live their lonely lives together. Please do not get pregnant. It will complicate your divorce 10 folds. Would you prefer being single or being a servant to THAT FIL for the rest of his life?
I am NOT saying to divorce your husband. No no. I am just telling you what the most likely outcome will be when the self-pitying FIL intrudes into your marriage life.
Don’t let something like this erode your new marriage. FIL is a wolf stalking unsuspecting prey. And he’s a freeloader as well. He sees you as unsuspecting lambs and he’s going in for the kill. He’s been watching, waiting and biding his time. Once he gets into the “pen”, you aren’t getting him out. As others have said, be more than willing to help him find subsidized housing, but once he gets into your home and lives, you won’t get him out.
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