Assisted living facility refuses to call me if my parents get sick or injured and only calls my sister who is medical POA. What can we do?

Barb good question. She said she was going to check medical records. Director was kind of mean I thought. Need to talk to her again but she was very unsympathetic.

How does the director have the authority to dismiss the POA mom signed?

So true, families don't pull together. Wondering if I propose one group text that the NH could send once and it would go to all?? They already make one call to my sister, why not if I get approvals in place, just send ONE text message to all three of us. Will see if that will be an option. Plus I am going to ask the lady a few doors down to call me if something happens. It might not change with my angry sister but there might be ways around the problem. I'm not giving up because I am not asking for much. I do agree with staying out of the way of the NH. My sister is so in their face it would drive me crazy.

Lynne-
I have a similar situation in which my brother has control over my mother. She lives with him. He has POA, but she's competent and can make her own decisions. POA is pointless. However, he likes to control everything and does not call any of the rest of us sibs with updates. EVER. We hear about ER runs and illnesses from random sources! (Mother cannot use her cell phone and brother refuses to re-install her landline).

I've tried texting, calling, emailing, going to his house and talking till I'm blue in the face. We had an "all hands on deck" meeting the 2nd of Jan this year in which we all (5 of us) had a chance to air our concerns and "need to know". Brother just lost it, angry and yelling and screaming---we don't know why. Probably guilt over doing a subpar job--but we all stand ready to support him--he won't LET us.

Anyway, he DID promise we'd get a weekly update on mother. Has he done that? Of course not. He has banned me (I used to go 2-3 days a week for short periods and help mother with small things, and TRY to clean) but he shut that down. I am allowed only to see her in the common living room area. It's so stupid.

I'm the only sib who "cares" so it bothers only me. I have had to swallow my anger and do what he wants.

What I am saying is, you CANNOT change the dynamic here. Getting dad to sign a POA naming you is a big step. If dad is still that competent, I'd just ask him to call you and get the 411. Forget about sister.

And the facility is bound by the rules--also they cannot spend all day trying to track down family members. More than one NH staff member told me they could do a lot more for their residents if the FAMILIES would stay the heck out of the fray.

--if you're visiting weekly, that's great. JUst ask dad to call you in case of any change in Mom's health. The family should pull together. SHOULD. Often don't.

Thanks everyone for your responses. My first blog ever.

My dad always calls me first and makes sure I know but this time he was unable to call. I found out why he calls me first. He signed the new Medical POA in May 2017 and was not sure my angry sister would call the rest of us. It is my parents wish that we all be notified if something happens. Mom is very aware of what medical POA and POA is and she will voice her opinion but in 10 minutes she forgets. She has short term memory loss. So is there any legal way I can make my angry sister notify the immediate family? Remember I do not want medical POA I just want to know if my parents become ill, go to the hospital or pass away. My brother and I both visit parents weekly. I will go more often if necessary. Angry sister goes 1 - 2 times a week. They are well taken care of. My goal of being notified is so that I can help.

Would dad call you if something happens to mom? The facility is not going to put themselves in the midst of family squabbles or dysfunction. Their job is to provide care for mom and dad.

I went through the same with my mom and twisted sib#2, the POA. I would not be updated ever, until close to the end of mom's life. This is quite common. I was succesor, cared for mom for four years, then it was like a switch being turned off. Also remember that it is the POA'S responsibility to keep medical information private. Yes it is hard. How often do you visit? That is a great way to build relationships with staff of they see you are being very attentive to your folks.

Call the facility once a week and ask how your parents are doing.

Can your mother understand what assigning a POA and Medical POA means?

Lynne4now do you know any of the caregivers at site on person to person level?
or any staff? ...get in good with one of them and slip them your phone #, tell them to call you if anything happens... in the between time until new POA being created / signed.

I'm sorry about your Sister. I too have four other siblings, I am the youngest and I am here with my Parents now. I don't have POA set up nor does my Dad want to go that route yet. I realize in their older age, they are quite paranoid, not trusting in certain areas. I keep all of them in the loop at least weekly, if any major changes with her ailment. They also call periodically.

Hope everything works out for you.

Dad can sign a new medical POA but just for him right? Not mom is what I thought. He has Parkinsons but can still think for himself. Not sure if they will take a new one but I am going to try.

How is dad? Is he able to sign a new POA?

Thanks cwillie. Was thinking that might be my only hope. Lesson learned, get all the POA's in place before anything happens but even then, the primary is the only one who gets the call so I don't know what we could have done to prevent this. I had no clue the assisted living facility would be so firm on only one call. Family dysfunction at it's best. My sister is enjoying all the power. I'll say a few prayers and try to find some peace in all this.

There are protocols in place in every facility but the people who work there have seen every kind of family dysfunction and may sympathize. My only other suggestion is to try to find an ally who works there who may be willing to contact you if anything major happens. Keep in mind that this person would be doing this as a friend and favour and could get in trouble because of it.

Only asked for one other person to be contacted so just one more phone call. But it's good to here what others think. So I have tried mediation and my sister refused, went to family counseling and the counselor told me to walk away from it all but I do care about my parents and want to help. Any advice? This is tough knowing that if something happens to my parents, I won't be notified.

Lynne4now, I also agree with cwillie above that the facilities only call one contact person. Otherwise the staff would be on the phone most of the day, the Staff doesn't have time for this.

The situation you have, the family needs to work this out between themselves. This is NOT the assisted living facility's problem.

It is common that a facility will only have one contact person and that is almost always the medical POA, and to be frank they don't want to get involved in your family disagreements.