Should I take mom with dementia in to my home?

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Faithgram Asked May 2018

Should I take mom with dementia in to my home?

My MIL has moderate dementia. Yes, she is a narcissist, negative, and nasty like so many others. She has fought with every neighbor she has ever had and is even mean to medical people. She has embarrassed us at restsurants, with doctors and at stores trashing people. She gives gifts away that we buy her. We've tried to make her life easier with comfort things but she throws them out. She did not want my husband to marry later in life since she lived with him at that time so the relationship started fractured with her refusing to shake my hand. Now she has dementia and is worse but there's no one else to take her in. I know she will eventually qualify for Medicaid for a nursing home but right now, the dementia symptoms are getting worse and she may not be able to live alone. While I cringe at the thought, should I do the right thing and move her in, try to overlook the personality disorder, turn a deaf ear to the complaints, ignore the nasty comments and lies, and be a better person than I am now? I feel awful in that so far, saying no to have her move in. Would it be the right thing or am I considering it just so I feel better about myself? I am so conflicted and stressed. P.S. There is no money for an assisted living facility and she won't have a home health aide in, meals on wheels or consider adult daycare.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Mom

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score 6 · Answer 1

Honestly, NO. Will you be providing 24/7 care for this person who obviously doesn't like you, didn't treat you or her own son well when she didn't have dementia, and is a troublemaker? There is a current thread here from a person whose parent is telling enough lies to other family members that she's hired a lawyer to make sure she is protected legally. Check with your Area Agency on Aging to see what her options might be when, not if, she has a medical crisis. Once in your home, you will be one of the posters trying to figure out how to get her out. 1 move for a narcissistic uncooperative elder is hard enough - once in your home, she will be dug in like a tick.

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score 6 · Answer 2

My dear, dementia patients and folks with mental illnesses need and deserve professional care.

It's not about you being "a better person" or any such hog wash.

It's not about YOU.

It's about her. She needs three shifts of rested, young, TRAINED caregivers who can let her insults slide off their backs because they get to go home at the end of a shift.

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Sometimes meds can mellow folks like this out a bit.

But no, do NOT take her into your home.

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score 5 · Answer 3

Why is moving her in the right thing? She sounds like a viper who will delight in making your life a living hell. On top of having dementia.

Do not move her in. It will ruin your life if not your marriage. Folks who have sweet parents have moved them in and it turns out to be a disaster. You already know what her personality is.

Consider an assisted living facility. Does she own her own home? If so, sell that to finance the assisted living. With her dementia she won't be able to remain in assisted living, she'll need a nursing home eventually.

This woman sounds horrible. I pray that you don't move her in with you. It might be the biggest mistake you'll ever make.

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score 5 · Answer 4

No, no, NO. I would instead talk with your husband and see if she would agree to give him or you POA in order to make medical and financial decisions for her so you are better able to help her get the assistance she needs. It sounds like she shouldn't be living alone, and could benefit from AL. A social worker could maybe help you through the process. I am going through this with my mom too. I moved her in with us for now, which I really wish I hadn't. I am trying to figure out how I can get her set up with home care or AL so that my husband and children and I can once again have a sense of normalcy and be able to breathe. Right now, we have no privacy, and we are all tired, cranky and spread thin. Plus, take it from me, you will feel even more guilty if you move her in, then have to move her back out. If she likes it there and is comfortable, she will not want to go, and you'll hear how "you just don't want her there."

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score 5 · Answer 5

I can talk from my own experience. We moved my MIL into our home close to 3 years ago. In theory, moving in a parent with dementia may sound like the right thing to do but you MUST consider the toll it will take on your own physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Just in the last year, i feel as though I have aged 10 years. You will never make your mother-in-law happy... she sounds very difficult. She will become increasingly miserable and demanding, and it will make your home feel joyless and toxic. Do you feel up to handling her behavior 24/7, often I'm sure unpredictable? I have found that my stamina to handle MIL's illness has decreased significantly over time, leaving me all too often feeling empty and exhausted. I feel that we owe our elderly parents our help and support, but we do not owe them our lives. Don't sacrifice your own well-being in the decisions you make, you will only end up resenting her and your husband. I think you should explore other options, maybe contact the local Alzheimer's Association or elder attorney. Are there truly no other family members to help? Does she have any assets? What does your husband think about all this; does he think it's fair to burden you with such an impossible caregiving role? Bless you for your willingness to jump in and help out in the worst of situations - you sound like a very kind and generous person!

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score 3 · Answer 6

Please tell us your husband is NOT encouraging you to allow her to move in!!!

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score 3 · Answer 7

NO! Otherwise you will purposely inflict a hateful and sick (physically from her brain) personality onto your family, a stress that easily could last years--YEARS. There's no reason to inflict suffering onto yourself and husband.

If you want to do the right thing, then assist your mother to find a permanent facility to care for her.

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