How would I tell my husband that I hate it when he is so generous towards his freeloading parents?

I may be in the minority here, but I don't think either member of a couple should be giving funds to other family members unless the couple discuss it in advance and are in agreement. Especially if there are children involved. I think I would feel disrespected and slighted in your place no matter how deserving the recipient of the funds might be. You and your husband should be partners in deciding how to allocate your family finances. I would talk to him about this.

It must also be very stressful having to care for your mother whom your profile says is in a nursing home?

I think that you need to seek to have a calm, heart to heart discussion with your husband. Instead of making you statements which will put him on the defensive, use I statements which don't sound attacking.

For example, instead of saying you make me so angry when you are so generous to your parents, say something like I feel hurt and angry when you give so much to your parents. I'd even say something like it also hurts me that as the backup person for when we are out of funds that you give them so much when we have two children to think of.

I think that I'd stay away from attacking his parents unless he agrees that they are freeloaders.

I think that I'd also avoid saying things like "You are such a 'sucker,' 'wimp' or so 'stupid' for giving so much to your freeloader parents.

Instead you may want to ask something like how does giving so much to your parents when we barely make ends meet make you feel? Or you could ask him "why do you feel like you have to give them so much?" 

I hope this explanation is clear. It does make a difference when you use "I feel" instead of "you make me feel." 

It also helps to ask the other person about how they feel instead of imposing how you think they must or ought to feel upon them. Take care and don't yell and scream although you may feel like doing so.

If he still does not listen after all of this, then I recommend getting the two of you together to a marriage and family therapist for an objective third party's help. 

Open a bank account in your name only. Have your paychecks direct deposited there.

Make an appointment with a family therapist and meet him there.

Discuss.

Look, I don't know how you've handled money in your marriage before this, but it's unthinkable that he's putting his parents' wellbeing before that of your kids, and expecting YOU to contribute.

I agree with CM that this goes beyond " I" statements. 

 I'd be livid, and I'd want a professional opinion as to what is going on in your husband's head.

Thank you for your insights @cmagnum.

I am just so fed up. I think what triggered it more was having been able to read his chat about moving his parents to a better house. He promised his siblings that he would take care of the advance and deposit for them to be able to move in. I think that is so unfair as we haven't even enrolled our kids yet! School is about to start in July.

You are welcome. I see why you are so fed up. I would feel enraged! It is unfair for he is putting them ahead of you, his wife, and your children. Who is he married to? Them or you? Have you asked him why he feels that he must do this? Why this promising his siblings? Why are they helping? Why does he owe doing this for them?

I think this may be beyond just I statements and need some serious marriage and family counseling. Has he always put his parents ahead of ya'll?

I wish you the very best. Keep us up to date, please.

CarlaCB

I whole heartedly agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Morning,
Could you give us some more detail regarding how you and your husband are helping his parents? Do they live with you, and if so, for how long and why? What type of help do your parents need and how far away do they live? Ages and health issues of parents would be helpful also.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this situation. It is so hard to plan for the future properly when your present is so unstable and your finances are stretched almost beyond their limit.

Fedupmom, this is important.

Your in-laws' behaviour is none of your business and not for you to criticise.

Your husband's behaviour, on the other hand, is very much your business because you and he are one, yes? Like real married couples ought to be.

So you have every right to take your husband up on this point of how you and he as a couple make decisions. About spending, and on what, about schooling, about priorities.

But leave his parents out of it. The point is he oughtn't to be making financial decisions without you. That's the key thing you need to get agreed with him, that you and he *together* decide where the money is going.

Totally agree. It’s like tag “you’re it” once you help them. They become entitled and expect more and more. Your own family comes first and they should respect the rights of you and your children. I wonder if your husband was raised by narcissistic dysfunctional parents. Please research this issue and you will see that you must set boundaries with such demanding self centered individuals. You can never give the users and takers enough.

Once you have your bank account set up, you are then free to be able to leave with the children for a short term or longer if it comes to that to get his attention. See what your therapist says first.