Mom has recently moved in with us. She's 90 and we're starting to suspect undiagnosed dementia. One of the minor issues that I'm trying to get a handle on is trying to deal with the differing nutritional values in our household. Mom has always been a big junk food eater. Her nutrition has always been horrible, shockingly so. I was unhealthy and severely overweight until I grew up, moved out of mom's house and learned about proper nutrition. These years later, when we started planning for her to move in with us we expected that there would need to be some compromises on both sides of the food issue. And I was very much willing to compromise. I just don't see a point in denying a 90 year old whatever she wants to eat. But her eating habits are far worse than I anticipated. She's addicted to sweets, pastries and frozen dinners. She won't eat a home cooked meal that I prepare because she wants frozen mac and cheese dinner instead. As I've mentioned, we suspect dementia is in play. She misunderstands things - A LOT. And she can't remember new information. So the discussion on this topic that I had anticipated having with her probably isn't in the cards. The kids are seeing all this junk food in the kitchen and they're constantly upset when I won't let them have what grandma is having. When I try to ease back on the junk food, my sugar addicted mom has a hissy fit. And I mean it. She's like a child. She gets so angry if she doesn't have her junk food. I just can't win. My husband and I have worked so hard to established good nutrition in our home over the years. I'm not trying to control mom's eating habits but I don't want them to exist at the cost of my family's nutrition either. Especially with summer right around the corner, I'm really concerned that the kids are going to start picking up grandma's terrible habits. (As for how she's getting the food, she goes shopping with her aide.) The aide suggested that mom keep her treats in her room. Husband pointed out how she leaves her used incontinence underwear all over her bedroom, we don't need her leaving food all over her room as well. Food needs to be stored in the kitchen. How do I strike a happy balance between moms food cravings and our nutritional values for our kids?
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She’s not going to compromise. She wouldn’t do it for her own children. She’s not going to do it for yours.
OMG. I just looked at your profile and said to myself. This is Scouts mother we are talking about!
I know you have her on a waiting list already. You may need to move her into interim housing before you get the room you are waiting on. She can take the “ aide” with her.
I remember not that long ago getting my parent's [in their 90's] groceries, and Mom had on the list pie, cake, muffins, fudge ice cream, Little Debbie treats, Hostess treats, etc. And I noticed that my parents didn't eat as much as they did a decade ago because at their age they weren't as active. I even find my self wanting just frozen Mac & Cheese for dinner than a regular large meal.
If the children understand good nutrition, then I wouldn't worry about them getting into Grandma's junk food. Being your Mom is 90 years old, if she wants ice cream for breakfast, ask her if she wants one or two scoops. Too many times I read on the forums here where some adult children cannot get their parent to eat anything.
And sometimes people who are very sick have/need special privileges.
It is your job to help your children grow up healthy. Grandma is already grown up, is not healthy, and it is not your job to supervise her food.
I see lots of teaching opportunities here.
And, BTW, if Mom does have dementia, then it isn't really reasonable to expect her to make concessions, especially on life-long habits.
I have to say, if it were my home - as it was - shared with my mother (so her home too) - and I were in charge of getting the family meal on the table, there would be one meal which you eat or you don't eat, and if you prefer not to then fine. But I ain't cooking twice.
The thing is. I get you about not making a person who's got to advanced age on a terrible diet suddenly discover the joys of wholesome eating. Sure. But... your mother enjoys the advantage of having a family that wants to include her. It's not entirely unreasonable to expect her too to make *certain* concessions to being part of that family. Like, for example, having her treats after meals, rather than for meals.
Was she always like this? When you invited her round long before she was living with you, did she expect to be catered for separately then?
Seriously, it sounds like assisted living or possible by the time there is an opening, memory care. The unsanitary depends etc. show she probably has dementia.
My DIL is a vegetarian. My son is a very committed carnivore. Talk about a mixed marriage! They almost never eat the same meal (although they often eat together). They each shop and cook for themselves. No major crisis has ensued. The mixed marriage so far has lasted 18 years.
It seems like Mother in this scenario shops for herself and can cook for herself (heat up the mac & cheese). Sounds pretty much like my DIL and son, except for Scout's kids. And that is all Scout asked about. How does she handle the bad example Gramma is setting for her kids? I think there have been several good suggestions for that.
It doesn't sound to me like Mother is insisting or expecting Scout to make separate meals for her, nor is Scout complaining about that.
Scout, my hat's off to you for respecting your mother's differences and trying to accommodate them while setting good examples for your children. Gramma may not be setting good nutrition examples, but you are demonstrating love for someone with special needs!
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