We are going on one plus years post LBD diagnosis for mom. While the two of us that are with her the most have learned to avoid, or shrug off the verbal attacks, and develop thick skins, others in the family get quite wounded or frustrated. This certainly does not make them want to see her more often. It's so sad. The very persons she wants to see the most are the ones she drives away. It's like she waits to attack them. We were making and helping create opportunities for family events, but mom has done some real damage to the most compassionate family members, those that really do love and miss her. Some say they are done with this. Some have never been back. Is this how it ends up? One by one people get driven away? We have learned a few stategies, never leave her alone with one person, keep visits short, have a quick escape plan because it's usually the end of the visit that goes bad.
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If family members are done with her respect that. What else can you do? Force them to come and see your mom?
Never leaving her alone with a guest and keeping visits brief are good boundaries. Continue to do these things.
As for how this ends up? I don't know. Someone with dementia tends to become isolated in time for many reasons. They can't be taken out in public because of their behavior or they stop recognizing people so people stop visiting, or they descend into their own world where we can't go. It's a horrible disease.
SO TRUE! My mother has verbally attacked me (she doesn't have dx'd dementia, but I'm starting to wonder if she might have the beginnings of vascular dementia). Her insults and attacks have changed my relationship with her permanently. I have really cut my contact with her, and it's a shame for her, because she's a shut-in except for when I take her someplace. And I've really limited my availability.
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I do have PTSD from a lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse and have to limit my visits to her to a few times a year and from 1/2 hr to a couple of hours if there is an occasion. I have educated myself about her conditions, but I am human and the words and behaviours still hurt. You have to look after yourself to be able to do what is necessary. I have CFS/FM, and, as I age, looking after her business as well as my own becomes more and more onerous.
If there are family members who understand dementia, maybe have them also talk to the ones who have been hurt to help them understand it's not personal and it's the nature of the illness. Let them know you've learned how to handle visits so that they're not so stressful. I feel sad for all involved but glad you're still trying to be there for your mom.
I was the only sibling around her, since the others moved away years ago, I was the one who had to watch out for her. It was extremely difficult and I feel she has stressed me out so much she has aged me and left me with a little PTSD. Seriously!
I try to remember it was the disease talking and she was a great Mom when I was little. It is hard though. These mean words came out of my mother's mouth. I couldn't abandon her. She fought for me when I was ill. I went to therapy and was told to limit my time with her, which I did.
Now that she is gone, I can spend more time with my dad who has dementia, but who is grateful for whatever people do for him. My siblings miss our mom, and I do too, but I have more of a sense that I don't have to battle her to care for her and my dad, which has made my life easier. It makes me feel bad that I am relieved that she is safe in her urn on my piano. And I hope that I don't do what she did to me to my kids. I hope I am grateful like my dad is, but one never knows how we will age.
My advice is to limit your time with her and treat yourself well. Remind yourself that this really isn't your mother speaking, but disease speaking. It is such a sad and difficult time in our lives. It is temporary. Best wishes to you.
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