I think anyone who has the impulse to write vs meet knows that their family dynamic includes members who loudly voice their opinions and bully everyone else into silence or agreement so you end up with even less support than you had before. A formal letter seems kind of passive aggressive though, personally I would opt for email, text or social media if you are a fan of that. And don't do a group email because everyone will wait for someone else to step up first, be specific with you needs and target them individually.
Oh boy, a letter can start all kinds of problems. It really is impersonal.
If siblings live close by, then have a family meeting. No inlaws, just siblings. Make a list of what you want to cover. Maybe an outline. And ask that they wait until you go over it before they speak. Give them a copy allowing for them to jot down notes. Ask that nothing be said until you read the whole outline. Don't say, "this is what I have done or do for Mom". Approach it as "these are Mom and Dads needs that I need help with. I can't do it alone". When you get thru it and then the excuses start, stop them and say you would like them to go home and talk it over with their spouses to how they can fit Mom and Dad into their schedules. That you all need to sacrifice something just think about what you feel you are willing to do. Tell them it is really unfair to think that one child can do it all . Plan a second meeting, with in laws, to hash out who can do what. Not they can't do what they can do.
If there are siblings who live farther away, then write a letter to them or those who don't show up. The letter could say that a family meeting was held to find out what support each of you should give Mom and Dad. Ask that they review the outline you enclosed and see what they can do to help. Maybe visit for a week and allow the others a rest. Maybe send money to help with the cost of diapers and meds that aren't covered fully by insurance. You may want to have a financial statement showing what your parents bring in and what goes out. I know when I started doing Moms bills five years ago she was just making it. She would not be able to do it now. Siblings may be surprised.
When they say sorry we can't help then your response could be that eventually you may need to place parents because you are not doing it alone and their needs will increase.
Not everyone is good at caregiving. But may not mind cooking meals, mowing grass, cleaning, if possible take parents out, babysitting so the main caregiver can go out to dinner or get a weekend/week away.
Me, it was a single effort. One brother 8 hours away, other going thru a divorce with children a lot younger than mine who were grown, he was the baby. Sister had passed away. I was the one who stayed close. After 20 months I chose to put Mom in an AL. I am not a caretaker 24/7. I really felt that I had done my share over the years. Plus my house was not built for someone who had falling problems and couldn't do stairs.
I like specifics details also. Tell your siblings what type of care your parents need and what you expect your siblings to do so that they can participate in your parents' care. If you aren't specific enough, they can say "You didn't TELL ME what you want me to do..so I did nothing." ;)
"Mom has a doctor's appointment next month on the 13th and I was wondering if you would be willing to take her this time? I know she'd like to see you."
"As you probably know, I am doing X, Y, Z, and A for Parent. I would welcome any help, or a financial contribution to hire some help. You certainly can make your own decisions for your own reasons. Just know that if you want to get involved in Parent's care, I would gladly work with you to figure out something that would work for your resources and schedule."
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If siblings live close by, then have a family meeting. No inlaws, just siblings. Make a list of what you want to cover. Maybe an outline. And ask that they wait until you go over it before they speak. Give them a copy allowing for them to jot down notes. Ask that nothing be said until you read the whole outline.
Don't say, "this is what I have done or do for Mom". Approach it as "these are Mom and Dads needs that I need help with. I can't do it alone". When you get thru it and then the excuses start, stop them and say you would like them to go home and talk it over with their spouses to how they can fit Mom and Dad into their schedules. That you all need to sacrifice something just think about what you feel you are willing to do. Tell them it is really unfair to think that one child can do it all . Plan a second meeting, with in laws, to hash out who can do what. Not they can't do what they can do.
If there are siblings who live farther away, then write a letter to them or those who don't show up. The letter could say that a family meeting was held to find out what support each of you should give Mom and Dad. Ask that they review the outline you enclosed and see what they can do to help. Maybe visit for a week and allow the others a rest. Maybe send money to help with the cost of diapers and meds that aren't covered fully by insurance. You may want to have a financial statement showing what your parents bring in and what goes out. I know when I started doing Moms bills five years ago she was just making it. She would not be able to do it now. Siblings may be surprised.
When they say sorry we can't help then your response could be that eventually you may need to place parents because you are not doing it alone and their needs will increase.
Not everyone is good at caregiving. But may not mind cooking meals, mowing grass, cleaning, if possible take parents out, babysitting so the main caregiver can go out to dinner or get a weekend/week away.
Me, it was a single effort. One brother 8 hours away, other going thru a divorce with children a lot younger than mine who were grown, he was the baby. Sister had passed away. I was the one who stayed close. After 20 months I chose to put Mom in an AL. I am not a caretaker 24/7. I really felt that I had done my share over the years. Plus my house was not built for someone who had falling problems and couldn't do stairs.
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"Mom has a doctor's appointment next month on the 13th and I was wondering if you would be willing to take her this time? I know she'd like to see you."