What can a caregiver do when the elder is very abusive to the point it is detrimental to the caregiver's health?
It is my mother in law. In fact her family will lie for her because they are scared she will end up on their doorstep. I gave up everything to help her, and now all I do is take abuse. Please someone, I need help.
Does your MIL live with you? If so, that's a more complicated problem than if she doesn't live with you. I hope you can provide more details so we can try to help you better.
What does your spouse think? Your elder is more than you can handle and this arrangement is going to come to an end sooner or later. You can't control the actions of her family. You can only control your own actions so you need to stop what you are doing and let the family make other arrangements for her care.
The red flag was when your MIL’s family eased her caregiving onto the back of a relatively innocent new comer, her daughter in law. You never know your in laws thoroughly, I don’t think. They are using their ‘company manners’ with you and many times sincerely want your friendship. So I doubt you’d ever really seen your MIL on a full speed tear, like the closer relatives have seen and experienced. So true, it’s survival here when they hide and make sure she doesn’t end up ruining THEIR lives! They know her. About that time somehow it just seemed sensible to have YOU pitch in, and MIL and you had coexisted peacefully in the past. How hard can it be? Answer is undoable, that’s how hard.
OK, the broken brain analogy...true their brain is withering away. But personality plays a factor. A big one many times, a mean toddler becomes a mean teenager becomes a mean old lady. The filters of the adult are gone. Which brings me to the problem.
No one in the immediate family can deal with MIL. You have got to TELL your husband (he’s around?) you are through. And he has to get the rest of the family on board for a new caregiver(s) preferably at AL or the appropriate venue. He MUST do this because you are not continuing.
If he ignores you then you’ve got a different problem and you might have to just walk out on them all.
Your profile doesn’t say what Mom’s issues are. Just “I’m caring for my mother living at home.” Over and over. Is it your mother or mother-in-law? Profile says mother and post says mother-in-law.
How is “her family” lying for her? Who are they lying to? Are they your family as well? Was she always this abusive or does she have dementia? How are you supporting yourself?
If she has dementia and you know anything about the disease, you know that dementia can bring out the abusive worst in some people. They’re brain is “broken” and they don’t understand that what they’re saying hurts people. If she was always like this, why did you agree to take her in?
You say the family is afraid your mother will get dumped on their doorstep. Well, have a meeting with them and talk about applying for Medicaid and placing your mother in a facility. She will have to be tested to see what sort of facility she belongs in.
Keep in mind that if she does have dementia, unfortunately it will only get worse and so will the abuse. You need to advocate for yourself in this. You can only be used by her and her family, if you let yourself be. By the way, if the abuse is physical, you can call the authorities or Adult Protective Services and tell them she is physically assaulting you and you fear for your safety.
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Does your MIL live with you? If so, that's a more complicated problem than if she doesn't live with you. I hope you can provide more details so we can try to help you better.
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OK, the broken brain analogy...true their brain is withering away. But personality plays a factor. A big one many times, a mean toddler becomes a mean teenager becomes a mean old lady. The filters of the adult are gone. Which brings me to the problem.
No one in the immediate family can deal with MIL. You have got to TELL your husband (he’s around?) you are through. And he has to get the rest of the family on board for a new caregiver(s) preferably at AL or the appropriate venue. He MUST do this because you are not continuing.
If he ignores you then you’ve got a different problem and you might have to just walk out on them all.
How is “her family” lying for her? Who are they lying to? Are they your family as well? Was she always this abusive or does she have dementia? How are you supporting yourself?
If she has dementia and you know anything about the disease, you know that dementia can bring out the abusive worst in some people. They’re brain is “broken” and they don’t understand that what they’re saying hurts people. If she was always like this, why did you agree to take her in?
You say the family is afraid your mother will get dumped on their doorstep. Well, have a meeting with them and talk about applying for Medicaid and placing your mother in a facility. She will have to be tested to see what sort of facility she belongs in.
Keep in mind that if she does have dementia, unfortunately it will only get worse and so will the abuse. You need to advocate for yourself in this. You can only be used by her and her family, if you let yourself be. By the way, if the abuse is physical, you can call the authorities or Adult Protective Services and tell them she is physically assaulting you and you fear for your safety.