I have to relocate but my father who has dementia won't come with me. He won't go to a nursing home or assisted living. Any suggestions?

Hi April, you need to move and your dad refuses to come and also refuses to go into a MC, Al or Nursing home...you say he has dementia...what stage is he in? Is he able to take care of himself? or does he need help with daily living? I'm going to say that if he has dementia he cannot live on his own and would you really want him too? Especially since you'll be far away...What if he puts something on the stove and forgets it? He could cause a fire or lock himself out of his house or forgets where he lives and goes off wandering on his own. It is NOT safe. We really do need more information about what he is capable of doing and what he can no longer take care of. If it were me and my dad I simply couldn't let him make the decision of where to live. First and foremost he NEEDS to be safe and he may not be able to make a rational decision about this so you will have to. He may be very angry with you but better that and safe then trying to make it on his own especially with any form of progressive dementia. Blessings, Lindaz

Yes Maggie , you missed that both parents have late stage moderate Alzheimer’s and mixed dementias and couldn’t take care of themselves. They don’t have forgetful moments, they have lost the ability to remember to eat, how to prepare any food, how to bathe, how to get dressed and how to get through a day without endangering themselves or others. Living in their home was no longer possible. We did what we had to in order to keep them safe.

Alzh101, I want to acknowledge, first, that I'm a moderately forgetful 72-year-old myself. I'm certainly aware of, and in support of, the 'therapeutic lying' that we do in memory-care units with people whose dementia is past the 'mild-to-moderate' stage.

But I have to say, if my kids invited me out for a vacation and tricked me into an Assisted Living facility, I might actually never forgive them. And selling my belongings without my 'interference'? If one of the parents has a dementia diagnosis, of course they can reach the stage of needing to be put in a memory-care unit. But what about the other parent?

This account sounds as if you tricked a cognitively-intact parent and a mildly-demented parent into moving against their will and then stole their belongings.

Again, speaking as an elderly person who can foresee my own cognitive decline, I'm finding this account terrifying.

Is there something I'm missing?

Depending on his care level needs, get a place ready for him and move him it. It may not be easy or pleasant fir either if you, but he will receive the care he needs. You have POA, health POA, etc, right? My dad went almost kicking and screaming. He knew he could no longer live alone (at 93). He still hates where he is, but I know he’s much safer.

Would a small board and care home be a possible alternative? Not an "institution", but with people there 24/7 whose whole job is to watch over the residents.

I'm happy to say that my sister finally stepped up. Thank you for the help everyone.

You can always pick out the place you want him to go. Then work with the intake coordinators on how to proceed. They are there to help. You can even hire a carer to be with him, so he doesn't try to get out the door. Yes People at that age think a nursing home, independent living etc, is an asylum from the 1800s. It's not.
You can get help with the transition.
It is better than leaving him home alone. The scammers are waiting for situations like this. They call and come to the door looking for the lonely trusting elderly. To rob and scam them out of $. You also don't want him burning the house down, or going for a walk getting lost. Or driving and having an accident. You can't let him make the decisions any more.

Boy, I sure am glad that my family does not have to worry about all these things ! I am 82 yrs old and have been in this community for 7 yrs when my wife and I moved here. She passed away 4 yrs ago in our critical care unit. I am in independent care and the family knows that I will be taken care of no matter what happens. I LOVE IT HERE !!!! FYI go to your computer into THE OVERLOOK and see where people (old Age) can be very comfortable and know they will NOT be a problem to the family. Good Luck

Hi April. My parents refused to leave their home as well when I moved. We got them in home caregivers. After 2 months of getting the sad phone calls, I suggested my mom come on “ vacation” to visit me. That got one parent willingly out of their home. Then she wanted my dad to be with her. So he came to “visit” her while she was on “vacation”. Meanwhile, my sibs and I had arranged for occupancy in a memory care place in the state I was living( level of care, convenience, cost) my sibs flew out yet again and we went to lunch at the memory care facility. We had already gotten their room ready and furnished. The next day we went back to the “ restaurant “ and showed them their “new house”. They were beyond angry. However, there was no way on earth things would be getting better so we had to get creative with moving the folks against their will. I’m not going to lie. It’s been a rocky road. I’m still heavily involved in their care, they still hate it that they have been relocated, and it’s still a ton of work. The plus side is, they are safe, get their meds, eat healthy food, are clean, and have some social stimulation and I can go to bed at night and turn off my phone knowing that any emergency will be dealt with and I can address whatever it was in the morning. Their house and belongings can be sold now without interference and resistance. There’s going to be enough to deal with when each parent passes, so being able to deal with their belongings now, will be one less thing to deal with later. You do what you need to do to remain sane, and to keep him safe. If you have been his caretaker and leave him, it can get messy if you are accused of abandoning him or neglecting him. It’s a slippery slope. Be sure you either arrange for care where he is or where you are going before you leave. Otherwise, you will end up trying to deal with things long distance and it will consume you.

Many seniors with dementia do not realize that their quality of life will actually IMPROVE once they move to an assisted-living facility, with senior-friendly bathrooms and hallways, on-site cafes, transportation provided, etc.

When it became obvious that my father was unsafe to live alone hours away from me (due to his gradually increasing confusion and mobility issues), I simply put my foot down one day and informed him, "This is how it's gonna be."

I don't understand why people find this so difficult. With our toddlers, we recognize that it is unsafe for them to live alone - and we have no difficulty "putting our foot down," in spite of their objections and crying about it. Why are people unwilling to do that with an elderly relative who is no longer safe alone at home?

As hard as it is sometimes you have to let them fail to realize they need your help. Talk to his Dr. let them know and ask them to talk to Dad about his plan. The Dr may have better luck reasoning with him.

Try to keep in your mind that nobody ever said that they wanted dementia or to live in a care facility - many people of our parents' generation thought it was a terrible fate to end up there - my mom told me about 50 years ago that it was 'where people go that have no one to love them' & that basic idea may persist in your dad's mind

Try to be careful of your words when referring to facilities & their services - where my mom is now they refer to the 'tub room' [one place called it that] as the 'spa' which gives a better air - terminology can shade how people look at the same thing because where would you rather go ... the spa or the tub room

Can you take him for the lunch tour that most places offer? - he probably has a fixed idea in his mind about what they are like which is nowhere close to what they are in actuality - you may find he is surprised on the different aura than what he thought it was like -

But no matter what he will have to do something about his situation or you will be forced to make the decision for him & then I'd recommend that he is close to you unless there is family close to where he would be staying otherwise you'll be spending so much time going back & forth -

FYI ... I moved my dad to 30 minutes away from 3 hours away & my mom 4 minutes away from 40 minutes away so I really know that travel time is lost time - I now spend 80%+ of my time in actual face to face visiting time as opposed 35-40% before when mom was farther away - it adds up over the years as a huge amount of lost time never mind the costs

AprilSmith, if your Dad is in his 80's or 90's his only reference to a "nursing home" is where his own elderly relatives may have been, in a County Asylum. Thus, our elders will fight us tooth and nail not to have to go to one of these places, which rarely exist any more.

I know my own Dad was quite surprised when he decided to move to Independent Living then onto Assisted Living/Memory Care within the same complex. When I pulled up to one place where I had a tour set up, before Dad even got out of the car he said "where do I sign up?", "never knew this place existed". The complex was set up like a hotel with a restaurant style dining room. Dad was so happy to be around people of his own generation, and he felt he had more independence to do what he wanted then when he lived at home :)

April, try to get Dad to go with you to tour some Assisted Living/Memory Care places. Most will have you come around lunch time so you and Dad can try out the lunches. Make up some "theraputic fib" why you want Dad to come with you. Like you are searching for a friend and the friend wanted your Dad's opinion.

AprilSmith, you've gotten some good general suggestions and questions, but we really do need more information in order to give you more specific suggestions based on our experiences. That said, my experience does have some similarities to yours. When my mom died 8 years ago and my dad was in early to mid-stage dementia and living in another state, I began asking him if he would like to move to my city. He always declined, so my wife and I helped my sisters take care of him as much as we could by frequently making the 5-hour trip to his house and by bringing him to ours as often as he would come (but he always wanted to go home the day after he got to our place). After doing that for 4 years, when it became obvious that he needed more care and patience than he was getting in his city, one of my sisters asked me if I would move him to my home, which my wife and I agreed to do. By then his dementia had progressed and within a week of moving to our place, he could not remember having ever lived anywhere else execept his childhood home 74 years earlier.

After 3.5 years, when my wife and I decided we could no longer provide the 24-hour daily care that my dad needed, I made the decision to move him into the best memory care facility I could find that was close enough that we could monitor and assist with his care every day. My dad adjusted quickly and is doing very well. Besides my dad's dementia, the sad part of this experience has been that four of my seven siblings object to the cost of his memory care facility and the need to sell his house to pay for it. Four of us had independently shared both his financial and health care durable power of attorney (DPOA), but I had to become his guardian and conservator due to two who object to the need to sell his house.

My dad was in a similar situation. He was living in another state. Although I visited monthly, I did not witness his gradual decline. However, I did gain POA, which helped with other aspects (banking, selling his home, etc). I moved him against his will into Assisted Living. It was tough. During those months of getting him ready for AL, I had CNA's care for him. It worked out well.

If you are the primary caregiver now the Dementia will not get better, only worse. If he does not need care full time now he will in a month, 2 months, 6 months? no one can tell you when the decline will reach a point where he can not care for himself any longer.
While moving him now may not be pleasant do you want to be dealing with this in a few months from a distance?
He can probably deal better now with a transition than he will be able to in 5 or 6 months from now.
(If you see him often now just your moving and not seeing him often may cause a rapid decline, you can never tell what will happen)
The questions I have are...
Is he living with you now? or is he in assisted living? or is he living independently?
Living with you now, if you are relocating he will have to move anyway if he "refuses" to go with you.
If he is in Assisted Living he could stay where he is, or if you want him closer maybe the facility has another site close to where you are going to be moving, if so he could go visit for a week or so to "try it on" and see if he is comfortable.
If he is living independently you will have to find someone to monitor him and notify you of any changes. And you will have to be ready to make a decision rapidly to go back to take care of the situation. That may mean moving him to a facility where he currently is or move him back with you.
Unfortunately many decisions have to be made with a catastrophic even occurs when he wanders, falls or gets into an accident.

Depending on how far along his dementia is ...

If he's still going about the town at all, seeing local friends, participating in local activities, then relocating him would be difficult, painful for him, and also could accelerate the dementia as he becomes disoriented and unable to learn a new environment.

If he's already become pretty much homebound, if already his friends have stopped coming to see him (or if, when they do come, he doesn't know them and doesn't seem to find pleasure in their visits), then relocating him to an Assisted Living Dementia Unit could actually be difficult-at-first, surprisingly un-painful, and even help him feel 'like everyone else' again.

Hard choices with so much unknown. A needs assessment would be the first step unless you've already done that.

One thing about dementia if he indeed has that is you don’t give choices because they can’t reason to make the right choice for themselves. But yes we need more information.

Oh dear.

Are you taking care of your father now? Is he in his own home? Does he have early dementia, moderate, advanced? What kinds of things does he need help with right now? (We know that will increase, but how is he now?)

How soon do you have to relocate? If you have enough time, I suggest having a needs assessment done for him, and based on that decide whether he could stay at home, at least for a while, with certain kinds of help coming in regularly. Or does he need an assisted living level of care? Memory care? Nursing home? That won't automatically make him willing to have the care he needs, of course, but it is a good starting point for you to explore the options.

Is there anyone else around who could take over looking after him? Not permanently, but until other arrangements can be made? That may take a little time, even if he can be convinced to cooperate.

The Area Agency for Aging (or Senior helpline, or whatever it is called in your state) can help you get a needs assessment. Explain the entire situation to them and ask for options they can suggest.

Your county Human Services Department can also so a needs assessment and may have suggestions for his care.

Please explain the situation in a little more detail, so other members can share their experiences that most closely match yours.