My Dad is 75 yrs. old and living with his wife of 15+ yrs. They live 3+ hrs. away from his nearest relative. Legally what are our options?

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tamalaberrong Asked July 2018

My Dad is 75 yrs. old and living with his wife of 15+ yrs. They live 3+ hrs. away from his nearest relative. Legally what are our options?

In the last 4-5 months he has found out he had a cancerous tumor attached to one of his kidneys & lymph nodes.They decided to remove his kidney & tumor and everything surrounding, but didn't even bother to tell either me or my brother until 2 weeks after the surgery, her decision I'm assured. My concern is with his weight loss, he has lost at least 30 % + of his body weight and continues to lose. We do not know who his doctors are or anything because his wife chooses not to include us in that either. He is currently taking chemo pills for 3 months only for precautionary measures. Because she says the cancer is gone. ? My brother and I keep asking him to let us come and get him for a while, just to assure that he is being fed correctly and is properly taken care of. Every time we call she is in the background talking and telling him what to say. Legally what are our options??? We believe he would come with us if he could just get away from her long enough to speak to us in private.

Cancer Care Decisions Elder Law

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score 1 · Answer 1

Go for a visit. Ask dad to sign a HIPAA form while you're there, which will allow you to get information from the doctor about his condition.

Is it possible that dad and his wife think of you as "kids" as in " we don't want the kids to worry".

Many parents do this, even when their "kids" are seniors themselves.

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score 1 · Answer 2

He is only 75, does he have dementia? She is his wife, they have been together for 15 years so no matter how you fell about her you can't accuse her of being a fly night by fling. Unless he is somehow cognitively impaired he had the option of calling you both before and after his surgery if he chose, she can't have been standing beside him preventing it 24/7. 3 hours is not an insurmountable distance, perhaps you should make the trip, face to face communication usually goes so much better.

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score 2 · Answer 3

Legally? Well, unless you can prove abuse and call APS, you can’t do much. We’re it me and it was my father, I’d get together with my brother and make the trip to Dad’s house. Surprise, Dad!! We were in the neighborhood!

Calling obviously does no good. Because of HIPPA, calling his doctor will do no good because they can’t tell you anything. The only way you’ll get any answers is to go there. If you reveal your plans, sounds like she will make sure they aren’t home. Are you his nearest relative? Do you live farther than 3 hours ? Even so, it would still behoove you to make the trip. You’re obviously worried about your dad. You’ll need to make time to get this sorted out. See for yourself how Dad is doing. If she slams the door in your face, then you call APS in his city and tell them you’re not being allowed to see him and fear for his well-being.

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score 2 · Answer 4

As a temporary measure.
Why not go and visit them? Book into a local motel/hotel and go for a week end?

That way you will be able to get a small idea of what is happening.

I am sure there will be someone along that will be able to point you in a better direction.

Good Luck

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My Dad is 75 yrs. old and living with his wife of 15+ yrs. They live 3+ hrs. away from his nearest relative. Legally what are our options?

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