She's not changing her dippers, burns food when cooking, she doesn't take a bath regularly and she has a dog that does his business everywhere around the house, dog is not trained. She has been living on her own home since I have been with my husband (27 years) but now it is obvious she cannot live on her own. I have a feeling she is at the beginning stage of dementia. She has three sons altogether, one lives in PR very close to her house, the other lives in MI and my husband and I in FL. The son that lives near her doesn't want her living with him because of the dog. She doesn't like MI because of the weather and that leaves us in FL. I don't want her living with us. She is a very difficult person to begin with, we have not always gotten along when she has stayed with us temporarily in the past. Also for some reason my husband and I tend to fight more when she is around. Back in January 2018 she came to visit and my husband made her stay with us for 6 months. She wanted to leave after 3 months but he managed to keep her for 6. We took her back in June because her other son said she could live with him, however when we got there he backed down due to the dog and she had to go stay with her sister in her sister's son's house. Now she tells my husband she wants to come back. But I don't want her to come back. My husband and I both work full time and long hours. My house is only about 1600 sqf and has three bedrooms and two baths. I work from home two days a week and will possibly be working from permanently. We have a daughter that is getting ready to go to college but will most likely have to stay home instead of in school due to the dorms being really expensive. The other room I use as an office. So we really don't have the space to bring in an adult with a dog. I have given my husband lots of options, but in his mind the only option is his mom moving in. The option I proposed are: she stays in PR and we hire home health care for her (which is a lot more affordable there than in the states), we can also look for assisted living facility in PR. She can move in with her son in MI, he offered and even said he has the perfect set up for her in their basement which is an apartment with a private bathroom, also her son in MI doesn't work so could care for her. Another options is bringing her to FL but to live in an assisted living facility. The options are many. I don't want to take on the responsibility of taking care for an elder that I feel needs professional assistance. My husband said that if I cannot accept his mom in our home than he will have to move to PR to take care of her, he says he cannot abandon her because she is his mom, so he wants to do what she did when she was younger, she left her husband in NY and moved to PR to care for her mom although she had two other sisters and ended up divorcing the husband because he found someone else after waiting on her to come to her family. I don't want my marriage to end this way. We have a good one but I feel that if she moves in we will end up in divorce and probably full of resentment toward one another. I am willing to accept her in my house, without the dog and if the we can hire a fulltime caretaker for her. But that is another problem because facilities in FL are very expensive and so are home health care companies. I proposed either selling or renting her house in PR as well are her car but it seems her other two sons are opposed. I feel bad because my husband was very special with my mom and wonderful with my dad who is still alive and thank God is able to care for himself. But I can't and don't want to be responsible for his mom. Please help!
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This brother might be trouble. He'd be keeping her money and car in PR, while you and H would be taking care of (and paying for) mil? This is the brother who was going to take MIL into his home but then refused to take the dog? What did he think was going to happen to the dog, and why wasn't that worked out beforehand? Something tells me not to trust this brother.
"I asked him about cleaning her butt and bathing her when she can no longer do it and he said he would do it but saying it and actually doing it is two different things."
Yes, and what if bossy MIL doesn't want Sonny doing these things? He seems to bow down to Mama, so he won't and YOU will be the expected to do it.
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So you had a good "trial run" with MIL and dog. MIL wouldn't comply with your rules, so NO DOG for MIL if she comes to your house. One brother has already said this. Is your H intending to take MIL AND her untrained dog fulltime?
I really, really hope your family does NOT take MIL + dog into your home. Is your H going to compromise AT ALL on this? (I would say a compromise would be to put her in an AL in FL.) I'm still wondering who is going to pay for the fulltime caregiver or Assisted Living or....?
I have a feeling your family is going to be left footing the bill for everything if MIL comes to live in FL. Or do you not think this would be the case? YOU would certainly be footing the entire EMOTIONAL load, which I have no doubt that in (maybe not much?) time would amount to ABUSE.
Curious...as someone mentioned before, is H going to be the one to perform personal hygiene for MIL? Bathe her, wipe her butt? Because I'm pretty sure YOU are going to be expected to do this at some point. Are you willing to do that?
It is not for you to worry if your sisters-in-law want Mom to live with them. If they do not, it’s their responsibility to say no to their husbands as it is yours to say no to your husband. You need to look out for #1, which is you. They will try to get you to take responsibility for your MIL. You are the only one who can speak up for yourself.
Even if you hire a fulltime caregiver if she lives with you, what about the nights? Would you and your H have to pay for the fulltime caregiver?
MIL doesn't get to make the choice. Just because she doesn't like MI and won't get rid of her dog doesn't mean she gets to call the shots.
She should just get rid of the dog and live with the brother who is already in PR. He's really okay with her living with him? Does he have a wife who thinks it's okay? And what about the brother in MI? Does HE have a wife, and would she really be okay with MIL moving in?
I fully concur with Ahmijoy above.
First steps, have Mom evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist to determine if she had dementia, in any stage. Dementia is a progressive disease and even if it’s “not that bad” now, it will get “that bad”. Better to have plans in place now before she badly needs it. If she constantly forgets her medication, she could wind up in a diabetic coma. If she leaves the stove on, she could burn down her house. The symptoms she’s showing now could have dire consequences.
Call a family meeting so all are on the same page and all know what’s going on. This is NOT a meeting about who will take Mom to live with them. It’s not a lottery and whomever pulls the short straw takes Mom. It’s a meeting of the minds to choose a direction to proceed that will most benefit Mom. Are there any animal lovers in the family who would take the pup and train him? With dedication, it’s really not that difficult. That might put Mom’s mind at ease.
Lastly, you are a grown, married woman in 2018. You are not subservient to your husband. You are an equal partner in your marriage and have equal say about your duties in this union. Sure, he loves his mother and so may you. But no matter what he says, you will be the one to do all the personal care for Mom. Sons don’t like to bathe their mothers. At some point, Mom will need that personal care. She’s not that old, and she could need that care for a long time. Not to mention the medical monitoring she will need and administering of her medications, knowing what symptoms of distress to watch for and playing “mind games” with her to get her to take her meds. You will need to become very well versed on Alzheimer’s and dementia so you know what to expect.
If you are not up to the task, don’t take it on. No one can force you, and if someone tries, you are within your rights to push back. Being a caregiver is a massive undertaking, full of stress and frustration. Not wanting to do it in the first place is a good enough reason to say no.