She won’t tell me when she is leaving. I am fifty. I feel like I may lose my sanity and my own family with how much attention she takes. I have told her that we need our own life and we can help her with an apartment. She immediately becomes belligerent and then won’t talk to me for a couple of days. She tends to be negative and very critical of everything we do. She wants everything her way. When I tell her what I want, it is as if she did not hear me. I can’t think of the last time I have gotten a compliment. It is as if it is a power struggle and she wants ultimate control, so she will always let you know that you are not good enough and do everything wrong as a way, I think, to let you know that you need her. She never takes the blame for anything. If you ever try and turn the tables around, she can’t handle it. I find that the relationship is TOXIC. I am happier when she is not around. How can you get a parent like this to leave your house? I never asked her to come in the first place and I definitely did not ask her to stay for some indefinite period of time. Problem is that I think she thinks if she leaves that we won’t visit her. I would - most sure how often. And, I think she feels like this is the only place she has any love at all. She has pushed so many people away. There is obviously something she is getting living here uninvited. I don’t think she will stop acting narcisstic-like. I feel TRAPPED. I never thought I’d get married, have kids, and never be able to separate from my mother. God bless my husband because I really can’t get her out of here! What do I do before I lose myself and my family? It is not my life. It is hers. I feel like a ten-year-old that has to follow her rules, because she has no respect for mine and my wants/needs. It is all about her.
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You need to have a conversation with your mother that goes something like... I'm checking out some nearby apartments this morning to see which one will work best for you. Would you like to go with me and have some input on where you will be living soon?
Rent the apartment of your choice, pay the first and last month's rent, turn the utilities on if needed and move your mother in there. If she resists getting in the car for the trip to the apartment then tell her you will call the police to escort her out of your house and hope they will take her to her apartment instead of jail. Maybe change the locks on your house?
You cannot change or control other people's behavior - you can control your own. Don't argue with your mother when she gets nasty. If you can keep your cool and act unaffected or amused you can sometimes keep the parent's barrage from escalating or even turn off the flow.
You do not need your mother's permission to have your own home that does not include your mother. Place your needs and the needs of your spouse and children about your selfish mother's wants.
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I think you should plainly tell her, that this is not her house and she has to leave. If she needs medical help - I recommend taking her to a hospital, or a nursing home.
You need to think about yourself, your husband, and your children. This is YOUR life, it is not hers. You need to make that clear to yourself before you do to her.
Setting boundaries is incredibly important. So, if you think she is better off staying with you, you need to make sure she knows it is your house, these are your rules, and she will not act so and so way.
I hope you find peace soon,
Ana