I feel like I do everything for my husband, he feels that I do nothing, and complains about our "messy house." I have lost my patience. Help!

I’m willing to take a bet that my house is a lot messier than yours 🏡 & I really don’t know where or how to straighten it out. That’s why I ordered book from library....”Let it go” Author is Walsh

I had a friend whose husband decided a room of his house needed cleaning immediately at 1130 at night. Little kids woke up, had to be in the mix. Big uproar for several hrs. No reason it needed to be done then.
I heard this and thought it sounds like a major OCD episode. It has to be done now because it releases the person's pent up anxiety. Doing it releases stress levels and they can relax again. Its not rational to anyone but them. Arguing won't work.
Does husband have OCD tendencies? Or lots of anxiety? I think that dementia can bring out a person's personality traits more.
If they are a narcissist, it will have them ordering everyone about. If they are anxiety ridden, it will exasperated that, till their screaming.
What would he do if you said, have at it. I'll see you in the morning. Then go thru the trash in am to see what he threw out lol. Would he do it alone, or make sure you couldn't sleep? Does he have to be monitored every minute?
Definitely talk to the primary about this. They could offer suggestions or play with dosage/times taken etc.
What if you took him for a walk in the eve? Walk the dog. Or walk yard perimeter. Do an activity to tire him out before bed.
What if you walk away If he gets on a tare? Would he stop, or follow you? A person can't argue with themself.
I had to sit with a new resident for the eve. She started out fine, but then her mood deterioratated to berating me. Cursing me actually. She was scared/mad and wanted to go home. She couldn't.
Anyway, I stayed in the hall just outside the door. She found out right quick, that getting no response from me took away her power. No fun complaining, if no audience. I could keep an eye that she was safe, but no reaction. Its called grey rock method. Dont engage, or short yes/no answer. Nothing that will enflame them more. It worked for a few hrs. She went to sleep.
Good luck.

Just hire a cleaning person...problem solved!

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, this being the frustrations of dementia with your husband. A spotless home, and certainly staying up all night to achieve it seems like a pointless goal at this point. I do know having a clean home makes everyone feel better, most importantly you, but please remember there are limits and don’t do too much. I’ll be forever grateful that my mom taught me there was a time to clean and a time to go outside and plant flowers!
Barb has given you good advice, I hope you can find ways to get some respite and peace back in your home

Linda, first off (((((hugs))))) to you, because this must be spool very frustrating.

Second, I'm going to pass on the very wise advice I got here when I first joined after my mom developed dementia after a stroke: remember that is a marathon, not a sprint.
You MUST:
Let some things go
Take care of YOU
Get regular respite
Examine your resources and assets
Get a professional assessment of his/your needs.
Pace yourself.

It seems like having a tidy, clean house is an important thing for you and husband.

Staying up all night yo clean doesn't seem like a good expenditure of a very limited resource ( your time and health).

Have you looked into a housecleaner?

Have you asked for a needs assessment from your local Area Agency on Aging?

Have you talked to husband's doctor about his agitation and what meds might be appropriate?

Again, ((((hugs)))))!

I truly know exactly how you feel., except that my husband is incapable of doing anything as far as cleaning. He walks to and from the bed to the living room sofa, to the patio to smoke, to the bathroom and back to the sofa. I leave the bed unmade when he soils it, to air it, out and that really bugs him. It needs to air out because even the layers that remain dry, do have an odor. We are preparing for a move and he sits and sleeps and watches tv. His decline prevents him from doing much of anything, yet he can muster up enough awareness to complain about stacked boxes. He will occasionally yell out "hey!" That means he wants something and he wants it now. Sometimes I can taste my anger and I just want to call his daughter and say, "you have 30 minutes to get here, because I'm leaving."

Is this a one time event or is this happening again and again where your husband complains about your "messy house"?  Is that why you "sometimes stay up all night to complete a cleaning chore, and then will sleep most of the day"--because your husband repeatedly complains about a "messy house"?  How many months has he been complaining?  Has the complaining increased as his Alzheimer's/Dementia has gotten worse?  We need more information so that we can give appropriate suggestions. 

I know that my Mom would be fine with the condition of the house one day; and the next day, she would want me to clean "everything" and demand that I "box up all of the papers in my office".