Hello. I’m not a caregiver at this time, but I’ve recently found myself in a situation where things may head down that path.
Here’s some background. My boyfriend and I had a little bit of a rough start. We are long distance (across the US from each other) and he was in a relationship when we met. He decided to leave the relationship to pursue me but still lives with his ex due to financial issues. We met for the first time in person several weeks ago. I’m in my early to mid 20s and this is my first true relationship, and due to a lot of anxiety and mild spectrum disorders is also one of my first experiences of physical contact ever, aside from the quick hugs I’ve learned to give family and friends. It was very fun but I clearly have a lot of exploring to do to figure out how to function in such a new situation. I’d planned not to move in with him or anything for a while as I didn’t want the situation of him going right from living with his ex to living with me. I wanted to date for a while first, hopefully move closer if things go well, and after that see how things progress.
Fast forward to now. He experienced sudden symptoms and was diagnosed with what is most likely MS. I’m heartbroken for him and also scared of what this means for our future together. Of course it isn’t going to change whether I stay with him in the long run because I adore him and I care about him. But on the other hand, I know we have a lot of adjustments to make before I can just decide he’s the one; he still lives with his ex and I’m fairly clueless about myself and how I am in relationships. Neither of us can drive due to anxiety, and these new symptoms have impacted this further on his end, and currently his ex girlfriend is taking him to appointments.
I just want some tips on how to handle this going forward. I’d already communicated some of these things prior to what has happened, but a lot of these concerns were put aside due to dumb puppy love as we were hopeful they would iron themselves out with time. Well, now I’m not so sure.
Thank you!
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You sound very concerned about his feelings and not wanting to upset him, but what about yours? They matter too, and it's not healthy to go on stuffing them down.
I agree with a previous poster that having a good therapist that will help you navigate this situation and cope with your own anxiety will be very helpful. Mine has many times helped me to realize when I was about to fall off a cliff, so to speak.
I do like him, I do care about him, but I also do feel like I’ve been stuffing my emotions down, especially the ones that I’m afraid will hurt him. I want us both to be happy and I’m scared. I was already worried about the other issues before this diagnosis came up, and although I have brought it up several times, I’ve been afraid to put my foot down because I want things to be okay. Now I’m even more afraid to be firm after this new development. I think I will look into therapy and talk to someone about this. Thank you.
You should rush to end this relationship now.
1) He pursued you while still in a relationship.
2) He is still in a relationship.
3) You talk of him moving in with you, after he moved out of ex's.
That is a grave error, this boy/man is not available for a relationship, and you have your own challenges, therefore you are not available to be his caregiver. Imo.
This sounds so familiar, so close to a scam, it is not worth the risks you are taking.
Common Ways Family Members and Trusted Others Exploit Vulnerable Adults
Reports of financial exploitation of vulnerable adults often involve allegations of abuse and neglect as well. APS investigates all the reported types of abuse, assesses the victim’s cognitive capacity, and takes appropriate steps to stop or mitigate the abuse to the extent possible.
The effects of financial exploitation on a vulnerable adult are devastating. The individual frequently experiences:
Interventions to address financial abuse include closing joint bank accounts, having the victim revoke the power of attorney; putting in place a responsible person or agency to assist with managing the victim’s funds; and restarting utilities if they’ve been shut off.
APS often works to reduce the isolation of the victim, through putting in services, etc., which reduces his/her risk of continued abuse. In many situations, APS refers cases to law enforcement for investigation and prosecution.
http://www.napsa-now.org/policy-advocacy/exploitation/--
It is a good thing to depend upon your family right now. Talk to them, let them know what is happening with you.
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and you are still long distance?
relationships can get very complicated - you need to look past your feelings and look at the big picture.
Slow down. Find a job and get some life experience. Maybe take some classes at your local Community College. Decide not only where you’d like to be in 20 years but WHO you’d like to be. If you picture yourself caring for this man 24/7, maybe with young children, having to support him if he cannot work any longer (or just doesn’t want to), or, maybe on your own with children from this relationship that didn’t work out...
Diving in head first with your eyes closed is exhilarating. But sometimes there’s no water in the pool.