My mother (who was caring for my father) died suddenly at the beginning of May 2018.
I initially took off work for over a month trying to decide if I should move in with him or have him come with me. The former would essentially require that I quit my job - as the commute would be horrible.
As I didn't want to do that, I moved him in with me on a trial basis. I got a woman (who used to watch my friend's mother) to come stay with my father three days a week while I went to work.
He seems okay being in my house. He initially seemed okay with the caregiver. Little by little though, he expressed his dislike for her.
It came to a head yesterday afternoon when I returned from work and she left the house. He said that he didn't want her there any more. He also said... "Get rid of her." "We're fine on our own." "She keeps touching me." She's always snooping into things." "She's was looking for money and I told her you don't keep any money in the house."
I know the touching part was true - as she told me that she was massaging his feet.
Whether the rest is true or not seems irrelevant. If he is that upset/agitated just by her presence, then that is a problem.
The issue will be if he simply doesn't want want HER there or if he doesn't want ANYBODY there.
I give him medication and bring him to the bathroom in the morning and at noon. He also eats his "breakfast" at noon. Aside from that, he basically sleeps during the day.
I could probably go to work in the morning, come home at noon and then go back to work in the afternoon. However, I would be worried that something might happen while I'm gone. Even if I got one of those home monitoring systems where you can access video cameras from your phone, I wouldn't be able to get much work done.
Does anyone have any advice on what to do when someone you're caring for doesn't want anyone to help them but you?
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He actually sounds like he needs to go to assisted living (nursing home) if you are worried about him falling out of bed, not independent living if he doesn't like male caregiver either.
He will always want just you to care for him. Like oh so many elderly. We aren't in the 1950's we are in 2018 & you need to work & have a life to. Don't give up all of your life to look after him, the younger version of him wouldn't want you to do that. Remember to take care of you....and that means peace of mind knowing he's cared for even if he resists. Be firm with him about your decisions and reasons why.
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Sometimes, it's just a matter of trying a few caregivers out until you find the "right" one? That is the one benefit of using an agency/company in our situation. It may cost more, but at least there's a pool available to find the right fit.
I like the earlier suggestion of finding a male caregiver. Perhaps that might work better for you? Or simply finding a caregiver that understands that your father doesn't want to be fussed over and can simply do what was requested.
Caregiver fit isn't a picnic, and I hope you find a person who might be a better fit for both of you.
Best of luck.
Unless I missed it someplace, you don’t say what Dad’s issues are. Is it dementia? In any case, even if all he does is sleep, leaving him alone with pop in visits during the day is risky. I babysit weekly for my grandsons and I don’t like leaving my bedridden husband. What if there were a fire?
What about Independent Living? If Dad is at all social, he may enjoy it and you will enjoy peace of mind.
companion. I tell the caregiver to be invisible. They do not need to be in
the room with her, talking to her (that wears her out), and doing what they
think caregiving is. They just need to be there if she needs them. She has
a bell so the caregiver can hear from the next room and come attend to her.
I do not have all the answers, but that is where we are now. I hope that helps.
Then hire a 'housekeeper' who will prepare dinner several nights a week, will do the wash, clean the house etc - this won't take up the whole day but your dad will not feel that she is hovering over him which he may be uncomfortable with as this may have been what your mom did so that heightens his recent loss of his wife - bonus is that this will help you to have spare time with him -
It could be that she would arrive at noon make his lunch & leave when you get home or just before so covering a good part of the day - if you are comfortable with him alone for a short time you may be able to get a stay at home mom who is looking for a part time situation while her kids are at school but that would be if he needs no medical help other than reminding him to take a medication at a specific time
I understand that she feels like she MUST interact with him. She told my friend (whose mother she used to watch) that she feels bad taking my money and not doing anything but sitting there watching my father. My friend tried to explain that is all I want and that I am paying her for her time.
I have also told her, multiple times, that he wants to be left alone and that she should only be intervene when he needs something.
She likes to clean, so I have been finding things for her to do. Unfortunately, that does not last all day and she has already said that she is bored just sitting there looking at him...
If he liked her at first but now doesn't ... and she's bored because there's not enough to do ... then probably they're not a good fit.
I would never ignore the patient's dislike of a caregiver -- sometimes it's 'just' a personality clash (no harm, no foul, but you still need to change), but other times there are genuine boundary-crossing behaviors that are problematic.
If he says she's always touching him, and she says she was only massaging his feet, that may be entirely true -- but he doesn't want his feet massaged (at least, not by her). It also could be true that she's touching him in other ways. But either way -- he shouldn't have to suffer unwanted touch.
Time for a new caregiver.