How do you deal with a parent that won’t see a doctor but has health issues, combative, and may have dementia?

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NayP1105 Asked July 2018

How do you deal with a parent that won’t see a doctor but has health issues, combative, and may have dementia?

Hi! I’m 33 years old and the only child of my mom.. she is 71.. me and my 2 kids live with her and lately she’s become very mean, picking fights, lashing out and yelling at me, and even threatening to “get rid of” me.. before I was born she was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and anxiety related disorder (verbally and mentally abused as a child and by my father). In the past 3 years, her last 2 siblings have passed (my aunt in 2015 and my uncle this past September) both of which she was really close to.. I noticed that her behavior really changed after my uncle passed, but she has always been mean to me (at least from age 25 to now). She started having falling spells but refused to see a MD (she hasn’t been to the doctor in about 14 years) until finally the neighbor found her down and called paramedics.. in the hospital they treated her for diabetes and hypertension and told her to follow up with a PCP.. the day of her appointment she picked a fight with me and refused to go saying that I want her dead because that’s all the MD is gonna do, kill her.. She thinks that I’m plotting to hurt/kill her.. She’s also started to “hide” the forks in the house and swear she doesn’t know what happened to them (dementia probably). She also gets very offensive and defensive when i talk to her and will poke fun at my weight or even tell me I’m a bad mother (I’m scared to hold a conversation with her so most times I’m just locked in my room or away from home).. She will curse me out and yell at me because I give my son his medicine (he has seizures) saying that the medicine will kill him so I have to hide when doing it.. When I go out with my boyfriend I have to pretend that I’m going to work or she will constantly call me or even wake my son up and call and say he woke up so I have to come back home (he’s 7. My daughter is 14 so she watches him). I need some help with getting a POA (she won’t sign one) I’m not on any of her stuff not even her bank account so if I have to take on all her bills I’m screwed.. and I need to get her to the doctor.. she also still drives (has a note that I have to think about and a mortgage) so I have to figure out how to get her to stop because my son told me she picks up strangers, mainly some young guy that I think she’s taken a liking to. I’m just really exhausted but I know if I leave her, her mental health would really decline plus I really want her to get better... the way she’s going about things is dangerous... crazy part is, she’s nice to everyone but me.

Burnout Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living

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score 2 · Answer 1

If she is in decline both physically and mentally ... and she is not taking care of herself, you may want to consider adult protective services.
If she is in mental decline ... you won't get a POA if she hasn't already signed one. After a person is declare incompetent, they cannot appoint a POA.

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Thank you for your response.. you guys are so helpful!

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score 3 · Answer 2

Nay, I read your response. From what you originally wrote, I have to say I don’t think Mom will “get better”. She has a lifetime of mental issues and may now have contracted dementia. She probably should not be driving either.

If i were you, I’d contact legal aid to find an attorney who could help you. I don’t think you need to be responsible for all Mom’s bills. They’re her’s not your’s. I would also find myself Section 8 housing and get out of there. Kids are very perceptive. They know what’s going on.

I hope it all all works out for you and your family.

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Thanks so much.. I actually have a meeting next Thursday with an attorney who thinks he can help.

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score 1 · Answer 3

Nay, I agree with Frazzledmama. What she is suggesting is called the Baker Act. I am concerned that your mom may become physically violent with you or your kids. And, people with mental issues can be very string. It can’t be healthy for your children to live like this. Have you considered applying for Medicaid and having her go to a facility?

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Hi! She receives Medicaid and Medicare, but I feel like my first step needs to be getting her to do a POA or add me to her accounts because on my income alone, I wouldn’t be able to tackle her bills and my own. Because of her fits, I only work 3 days a week thinking the more I’m home the less my kids are alone with her.. Until I can get my schedule changed back to normal, I’ll have to stay within budget and adding a mortgage and extra vehicle payment is too much right now. I have talked to someone that is a notary and she wants to come and talk to my mom about the issues that will arise if she doesn’t start to take action now. She can lose her house and car both of which she needs if the doctors can treat her and she gets better. I feel that Once I get a hold of the financial aspect, then I can work towards getting her to a facility. I was thinking about getting her to go with my son to his neurologist appointment and once we get him there, take her to the PCP that’s in the same building. I’m jus afraid that she will decline going because she’s really smart and crafty

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score 2 · Answer 4

Hi NayP, your mom sounds just like my mom, who's had dementia for a couple of years now. Everyday is a struggle so I feel your pain. It's not easy and it's going to get worse. Getting my mom to see a doctor is like pulling teeth, especially a geriatric doctor/psychiatrist, which she needed to see because her behavior was off the charts and she was getting more and more violent. I kept telling her that she needed to see someone with geriatric medicine background because she is going old. After many many cancellations, she finally agreed to go. It was necessary because the doctor was able to prescribe some anti-psychotic medication, which I think your mom also needs. A geriatric doctor is probably what your mom needs to see if nothing else because they can determine whether she has dementia or not based on questions that they ask and how your mom answers them. My mom after taking those pills, is much better now, although she is still kicking and screaming most of the time.

Others have suggested to me when my mom wouldn't go see a doctor, that I take her out on the day of the appointment to a nice meal and ice cream. And then afterwards drive to the doctor's office and say I needed to go in for a few minutes and take her with me, never telling her we would be there to see a doctor. Of course, I never tried it because it wouldn't work for my mom.

I wish you all the best. Hopefully, something will work for your mom and she can get some medication soon. Take care.

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Thank you so much for your response! Getting her to take meds and go to the MD is not gonna happen unless she gets hospitalized again which will give me some leverage because I can get the doctors to evaluate her. I do tape her threats of “getting rid of” me. She’s very stubborn and manipulative when others in the family get involved. She cries a ton when she doesn’t get her way or when you don’t do what she wants, kind of like a spoiled child. She also keeps the thermostat on 90-95 degrees and we live in the South where it’s 108 degrees some days, she claims that the electric bill will go up or the unit will break if she sets it higher. I’ve told her that if she leaves the thermostat alone I’ll keep paying the electricity bill but if she doesn’t stop she’s gonna have to pay it- she now pays it. I try to be stern with her but it doesn’t work. Any little thing will trigger her. I don’t know if she’s jus plain out mean or what.

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score 2 · Answer 5

It's not a guarantee, but if she is diabetic and not taking her medicine, is combative, threatening, etc. you might be able to call the police to have her taken to a mental health facility on the grounds that she is a danger to herself and others.

Once in there, she can be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist and assessed for dementia as well as mental illness.

If the doctors determine that she is not mentally competent to make her own medical or financial decisions, it would probably be best then to look into seeking guardianship.

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Thank you so much for your response!

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How do you deal with a parent that won’t see a doctor but has health issues, combative, and may have dementia?

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