Does the end have to feel like hell on earth?

I’m so sorry. My father was 86 and passed in January with myself, my mother and my 16 year old daughter by his side and 2 of his adult nieces in the room. We did not have a good hospice experience and were not given end of life signs. He lived with me. He woke up at 7:30 am vomiting what looked like brown stomach bile. No pain( thank God) but said it felt like indigestion. He couldn’t eat or drink anything I was giving him because he would immediately vomit. I called the hospice 24 hour emergency crisis line 7-8 times between 7:30 am and 2:30 pm when he actually passed. No one said he was actively passing and a nurse showed up 5 minutes after he passed in my arms. He refused morphine when the nurse on the phone told me to give it to him because he wasn’t in pain. The end was not pretty and I still can’t get it out of my head. I had gone upstairs to make him pudding and my cousin ran up yelling for me to get downstairs I ran down and I just knew. When I got there he was unconscious but sitting up and had a pulse, my 16 year old was in front of him with her hand on his leg crying and yelling grandaddy my mom was to his right holding his hand with her other hand on his back and there was brown fluid pouring from his mouth and nose. I hysterically was crying and yelling for him trying to wake him up and make some sense of this. I sat next to him grabbed his hand and said daddy, at that moment the fluid stopped and so did his pulse, his head quietly laid on my shoulder. I still cannot get this moment out of my head. I wonder if he was in pain, if he knew he was passing. I have so much anger at his hospice for not being there and for not better preparing me for end of life and for not telling me that is what was going on when I called multiple times.

So Mom is eating just one pouch of baby food and drinking a few sips a day. I have started giving her morphine as needed. I still plan on going on my 2 day trip, but the end is near. Her caregiver doesn't really want to stay with her because she is afraid that she might pass, but she is still signed up.

I feel a little guilty for still going. Friday seems so far away!

Onlychild,
How I relate to you!
I feel like I'm waiting for a bomb to drop. It sure is a high anxiety situation.

My mom is at end stage 6 Alzheimer's. Stage 6 seemed to drag on forever. It is so hard to watch decline day by day. Each new thing you see beings you that much closer to the end. I find I am looking for these new signs and discovering them brings new dread.

I know death is inevitable but I sure wish I had a timeline.
Will stage 7 (hopefully we won't get there), be as long as stage 6? I guess you could say the wait is killing me.

I have tried to be calm and prepare for her death but I can't get the knot out of my stomach. The anticipation is the worst.

I can't share what her last days are like because I don't know if these ARE her last days. She 95-1/2!

My dad had a massive stroke at 85 and died 2 weeks later. Not easy but definitely quick.

The years of going through Alzheimer's has been a long, exhausting road for all of us (Mom, hubs and me.)

I pray Mom doesn't have to go through stage 7 to the end. That's the part (you might be in) that rips your guts out.

I sympathize. Hang in there and don't feel bad about fantasizing leaving or being out of the situation. Those are your coping skills and it give you hope in a hopeless situation. Big hugs to us all.
(((((hug)))))

PS-There is nothing wrong giving Morphine to a terminal person who is in pain. Please do not let her suffer. That's just wrong. If she's too sleepy or groggy, as the hospice nurse if you can cut the dose to just take the pain away yet have her be alert.
IMO (as a former hospice nurse), NO one should die in pain. We are kinder to our sick, old, terminal animals.

Thank you for sharing your memories with me. It does help me to know that I am not alone. I gave her a little morphine last night because she was waking up crying in pain?
Hospice nurse is coming by to check on her. I don't want to keep giving her morphine, but the nurse said to do it as needed.
We will see what happens

My mom was asleep her last 2 weeks, maybe not really conscious. She had no food and only water via a feeding tube. She never appeared uncomfortable. It was a profoundly sad time. There was never the opportunity for any kind of last talk. I simply held her hand and hoped she knew I was there. No one was there at the actual end because it became so hard to predict when it would actually happen, we’re all okay with that.
I think the torture is yours, not your mom’s. From what I saw, people go to another place, for lack of a better way to put it, in their last days, and they’re okay. The helpless, torturous feelings are ours. It’s okay to leave, take breaks from it all, no good mom would expect you to drive yourself to exhaustion being right there. Be good to yourself, say all you need to say to your mom even if she’s seemingly unaware, and focus on good memories as often as possible. Blessings as you walk this road

Onlychild, I can share with you what my Mom's last days were like but I wonder if knowing my story or other stories is really going to benefit you. Yes, you are not alone. Lots of people on here have gone through or are going through what you are experiencing.

For me my Mom's last week was sad simply cause she was mostly unconscious. I never got to hold her hand, look into her eyes and say good bye. The one time she did wake up that week she was moaning and crying and as much as I would have loved to have her stay conscious and with me I couldn't bear to see her in so much discomfort so I held her and tried to comfort her for a few minutes, then I ran and got a nurse to give her something to ease her pain. I like to think she knew I was there in those few minutes. I'll never know.

Just try to remember by being there for your loved one you are doing God's work. I don't know if you are a believer or not and if you aren't I don't mean to offend you by mentioning God but he is there, he does love you and wants to comfort you.

It's natural for you to not want to go through this. Who would want to. But good for you for being there for your Mom.