My mom, who will be 100 on 8/15, has been in a NH for almost two years due to a fall and fx'd hip. My husband and I go to visit her 5-7 days per week and take her out (riding, restaurants, ice cream, etc.), 3-4 times per week. Since she lives in a NH full time, am I really considered a care giver? I read the questions and answers on this forum and I see many of the same issues and situations with my own mother and the NH. We are basically the only family members who visit (she has another daughter who rarely comes and several grandsons who do come on occasion) and it really wears me down. I feel guilty when I take a day or two off per week, but dragging a 100 year old person around, sitting on public bathrooms changing undies and "assisting" her with basically everything is hard work! I am very grateful for my husband who is such a gem! Our family is lucky to have him and my mother has always considered him the son she never had!
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Whenever you feel guilt, do a self-guided meditation seeing yourself feeling refreshed, renewal, engaged, energized when in the presence of your mom. Taking care of YOU is also a way of taking care of her. Consider your husband, too, and that he likely could use a nice 'get away' or time off the weekly routine and go out on a DATE with you. Feeling GUILT (to me) means there is inner work to do - as guilt guides us to do things we really do not want to do and/or do not feel like our self doing it.
On another note, a PRIMARY care provider (which is what I call myself) is entitled to Hospice counseling (free where I am in California) if the recipient is registered with Hospice. So, be sure to check and see about Hospice. It is possible that people who are accepted into Hospice can 'get better' to a degree they do not qualify for their services. Health conditions can change, either way. My client (I cared for her for 3-1/2 years) had Hospice for just 3-1/2 days. To say I felt grief and relief is an understatement. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown (even though I was working for and with her) due to her consistent and ongoing rage and tantrums. I needed this counseling service and feel very fortunate that I qualified to get it. Gena
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I know what I'm doing for her and it's frustrating, sometimes infuriating, and time consuming. My sister and I go to a monthly support group (if you feel the need, search your area or county for services for the aging and churches may offer groups, too) and they all feel we need to place our mother in a memory care facility. Between us, we decided we would be trading one set of burdens for another, so we will continue as we have been. She has always been a miserable person (seems to be happy being miserable with things to complain about) and a move would make things worse...and cost a lot. We will reevaluate when she needs 24-hr care that we cannot give.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and yes, janeyd54, you are a caregiver. Good luck to you.
1 - is the hands-on live with them & do everything for them
2 - is the one who is the primary person for someone who is in a professional care situation due to their needs
Like you, I am the second type & once I finish this I'm off to see my mom - we shop for them, make care decisions for them, we pay their bills & are their main emotional support - just because you need to leave your home to do this doesn't mean you are not her care giver & tell anyone who says otherwise to walk a week in your shoes then say it again if they can -
To hell with the bureaucrats that say 'no' because that is only way they can manage things & we all know what a great job they have done getting the world into the terrible shape it is now - you might not be able to claim for it without doing the hands-on but you are still the caregiver
Absolutely you are! You are still taking care of her and supporting her, even though the day-to-day personal care tasks are provided by the NH staff.
You visit her a lot! You take her out, and when you take her out, you have to be the one to assist her. You also are the go-between with the NH staff, and you are the one to bring up issues and are making sure they're taking care of her properly. Any stress you feel is valid. It is still stressful to do this kind of caregiving, even if the individual is in full-time care.
You are a caregiver.
What you do for ur Mom is Caregiving. You do way more than some. Where is Mom in her journey? Does she know you? Does she appreciate and enjoy your outings? Or, are you visiting and do these outings because they make you feel good you are doing something for Mom. My Mom was in an AL where I stopped in for a short time every day. My Moms sense of time was not there. She had no idea I had been there the day before. I washed her clothes, so I checked to make sure she was OK that way. Made sure she had enough Depends. When she went into a NH, it was further away so I cut down on my visits to every other day.
5-7 days is a lot of visiting if Mom has no idea what day or time it is. And I bet if someone came to visit, and asked if you had been there, she'd say no. Does she really enjoy the outings? Are you visiting so often to make up for the family who doesn't visit?
Please, don't feel guilty that you have a life. My Mom was only in a NH for 5 months. She had no idea where she was or that I was her daughter. I think she "knew"me but not as a daughter. It was getting harder to get Mom out and about. She could not follow directions. She was overwhelmed and ready to go back. Plus the incontinence. At 65, I just didn't have the energy for outings she could not enjoy. So I just visited. My daughter, who works in a NH, told me I didn't have to visit everyday.
It comes down to, are u doing it for her or you. Can you enjoy the visits when in the end, you r drained. I see no reason for all the visits or outings. You can step back.
I am a caregiver, but fortunate that I’m not responsible for bathes, bathroom, etc.
my head would have exploded long ago.
Grrr!!😠 I looked after my mother at home for several years until it was impossible to manage and I reluctantly placed her in a facility, so I DO know what home care takes. I now visit my mom in the NH daily: I feed her, I speak with staff, I monitor her health and well being- I didn't dump her and run. No, it's not the same as caring for someone in the home but even then the tasks are not equally comparable - care in the home can run the gamut from simple support to 24/7 help with all ADLs to hospice and end of life care.
If mom is in a nursing home it is not actually caregiving. People may convince themselves that visiting an elderly person is the same as being a 24/7 caregiver, but it is not.
You are though a caring person, who cares. Nothing wrong with that.
I took care of my grandfather 24/7 in my home. He typically did not want to go out to eat too often, because of the hassle and so that was not an issue.
In fact, my grandfather would have been very unhappy, if I were dragging him out to restaurants and outings that made him stressed and uncomfortable.
So.....are you sure your elder wants to go out. There are often many things to do and outdoor areas to sit in at the facility.
Why don't your siblings visit as often. My siblings did not visit often because they lived out of state or had long commutes to jobs and did not have the time to visit often.
It was my choice to be the caregiver. I was simply glad for my grandfather when they did visit. I did not expect them to visit too often because of their hectic schedules and demanding jobs.
Self care is very important for you the caregiver. If you're worn out, you're not able to help her, let alone live your life. Also, you might consider not visiting so much. You need time off. You need to refresh. You need to be with your husband and other friends and family members. Just because mom is in NH, is 100, and has perhaps limited mobility after the broken hip, you might consider evaluation the number of all of the excursions.
I have PD, yesterday in 100 degree heat, I was out of house on errands for 2 hours. Went to the lab, Taco Bell, and got a haircut. I use a walker. I was exhausted after the trip. I have to limit the amount of outside trips. I try to do 1 errand per trip and only twice a week. Yesterday was the exception that makes me know that I must follow my rule.
Also, a wheelchair can make moving mom around a lot easier. Easier on her since she doesn't have to use up energy to get to the destination and on you, you don't have to be on high alert of fall watch.
Along with the times you mentioned do you not see that she is comfortable where she is.
Do you not advocate for her if you think something is wrong?
Who is at the care meetings when things are discussed? (If it is not you then you should be included)
Does the staff know you by name or at least on sight? Do you know the names of at least 3 staff persons? Do you know the names of several other residents?
If you said yes to any of these then you are a caregiver.
Side notes here...
I find it interesting that you say your Mother has another daughter...is that not your sister?
If it is a problem to take your Mom out..don't bring in a special lunch, bring in ice cream.
At some point it is safer to not go for a ride, go out to lunch. If the facility has a van or bus that they transport people in to take them to the store or go out for lunch make arrangements to join them on an outing. You will get the extra help getting into a van or bus. I used to do this often when my Husband was in Day Care, they would take the residents of the Memory Care unit for lunch on Fridays. I would look at the schedule and figure out what places he would have enjoyed and I would tell them I would go with them. I often helped with other residents as well so I was an extra set of hands and feet for the staff. At some point he just stopped cooperating getting on and off the bus so I cut those trips. Soon after that he was "kicked out" of day care at that facility as he began to require more help than they could do for someone that was not a full time resident. Ya gotta go with the flow and adapt to the ever changing needs and decline of the person you are caring for.
Thank you for your insightful response!
You are so lucky to have a husband who is helping you with this journey. Some run in the opposite direction or make excuses not to help "not my job".
When my Dad, who was in his mid 90's, moved into Independent Living [don't know why it is called "Independent" because I still had a lot of running around to do for Dad].... I use to visit every day.... then I cut that back to every other day... then to once a week when I brought over groceries and supplies. Then I realized it gave Dad more independence if I wasn't being a helicopter child.
A birthday celebration might be enjoyable to her this August. You know what she likes. All this is caregiving.
Why do you feel it is necessary to take your mother out so often if it is such a chore? It's great if she can still go out for a drive to see the outside world and maybe pick up a treat at the drive through, but staying out long enough to need public washroom seems a little excessive. Is she really pining to go out and is she appreciative after the fact or are you just doing this because you feel you should?