It's been a while since I last wrote to you all. I lost my Mom August 15th 2017. The end was just terrible. I have never been the same since this took place. I had 5 years taking care of Mom and do not regret a minute. I know I was not at my best during this time, trying to hold down a demanding job, taking care of a special needs son almost by myself. I did have a wonderful caregiver to help me for quite a while but my sister convinced me that there was something wrong and I did not call her back to work. I ended up hiring a supposed friend of 12 years that stole off of my Mom and totally took advantage of me during my grief.
Unbelievable what people will do to you when your out of your mind with grief. I have no idea what happened. I went to work everyday and did my best. I actually threw myself into my job. When Mom started going down hill and was in Hospice my Husband had heart issues and had to have Heart Surgery it was just one thing after another. I have always been such a strong person but this took me to my breaking point. At the same time I started having such bad chest pains they were running all kinds of tests on me for my heart and artery's due to my fathers background.
During the whole time, I have one sister and one niece that live in Ohio, I live in Texas. The whole 5 years they absolutely refused to even try to lift a finger and they just kept saying I'm not helping its your job and deal with it. We fought so bad and although I try to forgive I just can't forget. Any relationship that we had is gone except the occasional phone call and then I will try to pretend that everything is fine. Which the phone calls are less and less. Of course the last week of Mom's live my sister showed up as the caring daughter. (Please don't take that wrong, I'm so glad she was there). Since loosing Mom its been very bad. I can't seem to get my happiness back, I have let my house go and I use to scrub it every weekend, I just don't seem to care of have any energy. My Husband's work takes him out of town about 20 consecutive days at a time and to be honest Its good because I try so hard to act normal when he is at home but I know I'm not so to me I miss him but feel its better when he is gone. I'm sorry this is so long but I have no place to turn and I'm really starting to worry that I will never be happy again.
The last couple weeks have been so bad!!! It was Mom's birthday and now in a couple weeks its the anniversary of her death. I don't say anything to people because they think that I'm just nuts for letting the grieve go on so long and I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me also. I feel so alone and almost like an orphan. I know your suppose to look to the future, not stay in the present and learn and move on from the past. I use to be such a happy, optimist person, but that person disappeared a long long time ago and I just want me back. I could go on for hours, I have held this in for almost a year. I use to write to all of you but even stopped that. I have a high position at work and I try so hard to be nice to everyone, I just do not have mean in my vocabulary but my work is a very back stabbing business and people who were suppose to be my friends have really stabbed me so hard knowing that I'm not the same that I use to be. I hate Gossip and back stabbing so I have actually pushed everyone out of my life. The caregiver that I had that was so good to Mom has become one of my best friends, well she became sick so I moved her in with me, she is doing well now but I want her to stay for company and she helps me so much. She understands what's going on and has been there herself. I have gone to Doctors, I have gone to psychiatrists, they all tell me that I know what is wrong and there is nothing that they can do. The Doctor I believe thinks I'm crazy and tried to put me on anti psychotics. I was so mad!!! I actually caught the nursing home without permission over medicating my Mom with Anti psychotics, This through her into a tail spin and is what actually took her down. I just caught it too late, I feel guilt that I did not know what they were doing until the medicine bill came in and then we stopped it Immediately by moving her. I tried to go after the Doctors license through the medical board, I found she had already been indicted for over medicating the elderly and causing an early death. Believe it or not an investigation was opened but I received a letter that they found no wrong doing. I'm just so lost, If anyone has any suggestions on how to pull myself out of this funk please let me know.
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With regard to antipsychotics, one of my friends fell into a deep depression last year and was hospitalized. Several different antidepressant meds were trialed. What finally worked was Seroquel, which is an atypical antipsychotic. My husband has been on Abilify, another atypical antipsychotic, to increase the effect of the antidepressant he was on post open heart surgery.
If a doctor wants to prescribe you an " antipsychotic", it doesn't mean s/he thinks that you're crazy. It means that the doctor thinks that the med will help you.
You should certainly seek out a second opinion of you think that other meds might be better, but please don't rule out that these meds might help!
And definitely find a talk therapist. You aren't grieving "too long" or anything like it! You need support and compassion and the right therapist will provide that.
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my dad died 3 years ago June 2015. and I handle it pretty well. even right after it happened. actually for the last 3 years ive accepted it. But sometimes when I go to bed at night (especially LAST nite!) where I started to think of him and I got REALLY SAD!
it just hit me really bad. I was thinking of 'things' he would say. and before I knew it my mind was OFF to the races....I had to stop it in its tracks. cause it was taking me down....
I do think of my dad every day. but I feel he is really there in my head. he never leaves me.
Most of my 'down' moods stem mostly from my mom. who has Alzheimers.
I am afraid tho when she does pass away. that in some ways I will be relieved. because its hard to watch the god awful decline. but at the same time, I think it will hit me like a ton of bricks.
I wouldn't worry if you aren't scrubbing your house clean everyday! its just going to take awhile for you to adjust? your post is long and tells me you ARE trying to adjust...you ARE trying to find your way. putting your feelings in writing is good to get it all out.
Have you tried talk therapy with a counselor? My therapist has really helped me to get through some tough times that others have a hard time understanding.
Also, you might check out some grief support groups in your area. You are not alone, even though it may feel that way when you are in the middle of it.
And of course always come back here to AC anytime, we are here for you too. This site has helped me a lot too since I joined a few months ago. Some things I feel more comfortable talking about here because there are people here who have been through the same and they understand.
I know what it feels feels like when the whole world comes crashing down on you. You need to take one day and one thing at a time. Always worrying about “the big picture” and thinking it’s never going to get any better is self-defeating.
Try ray to find grief counseling. And get a new doctor! Hugs!