Hi AC forum - I’ve always found you to be helpful & supportive. This wound up being a long, babbling rant. Truly appreciate it if you make it through.
Some of you may recognize me, I’ve posted a few times. I’m 25, was finally able to move out of my narcissistic mother’s house in January, and life has generally been a lot better for me.
However, my mother has gotten MUCH worse. She was laid off of work (bringing in new roles to replace her old one), and that took a toll on her. But because she’s a narcissist & from the baby boomer era of “my children are supposed to grow up and their career is supposed to be taking care of me”, she denied that there was anything wrong with her. Depression set in, and my 66 year old mother went from walking okay with a cane to not being able to do a lot of things herself, is almost at the point of needing to be in a wheelchair in an assisted living facility, and goes to the hospital for attention. She has become completely unreasonable & LOVES to scream and shriek and yell about literally anything and everything because she can. She’s basically a big toddler. One time recently, she was “falling” despite using her walker - I tried to help keep her upright, she decided to give me ALL of her weight (roughly 180, and I’m 5’1” and 105 lbs) and FELL ON ME. Called the cops to come help her up, and they were more concerned about her than the fact that 180 pounds of dead weight had just fallen on top of me.
She has been physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me for my entire life. You’d think that on the off chance I come home & sleep in my old room for a night out of convenience, she’d be nicer. Nope! Two nights ago, she got kept overnight at the hospital, so my brother asked me to travel 1.5 hours home to help take care of the dog (who I will be taking as soon as I figure out an arrangement for a dog walker/day care for a disabled pup). I didn’t get home until after midnight, hasn’t eaten dinner because I was at work, and went to bed at 2:30am. Had to get up at 6am and commute 1.5 hours to work.
Mom decides 1am tonight is a great time to have a hissy fit and tell me that my exhaustion does not matter (I’ve been doing overtime at work). Didn’t get her way & punched me multiple times, once in the throat. I have called the cops on her before and she has claimed “elder abuse” and I’ve been told by the cops that *I* could be arrested.
Personally, I am ready to cut all ties with her once I have my pup. My brother, on the other hand, is not at that point, and if I cut all ties with her, I would be putting a huge strain on the only family I have left (Dad passed away years ago, brother is the only other family near me). Even when I’m not around NMom, she calls incessantly - easy enough to block calls until my brother starts texting me to call her. He is fed up too but is really the caregiver because he lives closer.
I just am at a loss. I’m ok when I’m not around her, but she makes me a sobbing depressed crazy person when I am around her. I miss my dad so much, as we were peas in a pod, and it just makes me so bitter and angry that he had to die instead of my miserable abusive mother.
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At this point, my brother is there most mornings AND evenings for a little while. My mom also has an aide there most days, but she never has her do anything. (My mom refuses to have her aide help her and instead, likes my brother, and me, if I'm around, to do everything for her from helping her get dressed to making her dinner.)
My brother and I are close, but we're also at a loss at this point. A psychiatrist at the hospital my mom stayed at said there's no signs of dementia or anything. My mom went to the hospital as an attention seeking thing, wound up yelling & being belligerent so they kept her overnight & evaluated her, and the psych said there's definitely attention-seeking behavior along with some depression & anxiety, but no dementia (which was what my brother & I were suspecting).
@gladimhere -- Didn't mean to make a generalization about all baby boomers, so sorry if I've offended! My dad was also a boomer & nothing like this. Just have experienced a good amount of boomers that have had this same mentality. Brother & I have discussed what to do about our mother before, but as I said above, a psych eval by a doctor wound up being largely unhelpful in that she was diagnosed at NOT having dementia. She also refuses to go to an assisted living facility. I'm planning on taking my dog soon (will be away a lot this month), not sure what else we can do for our mom since she refuses to go to a home.
@Sparkles -- your reply truly made me cry. It's really comforting to know that I'm not alone & not the first person to go through this. My brother is sometimes the golden child, but often, we're both the worst to my mother. Some days, she'll call to complain about him. Other days, she'll call him to complain about me. Most days, she finds fault with both of us and tells us that we don't do anything for her and she has to do everything herself. (She doesn't clean, doesn't work, and sits watching TV all day and has claimed she works every day.)
@Bettina -- any suggestions for documenting abuse by her? She bruises very easily and will claim/has claimed that I've given her bruises that I haven't -- not home, she accidentally bumped into something, etc. The last time I called the cops on her when she was being abusive, they flat out told me that with that bruising, regardless of whether I caused it or not, was "evidence" and *I* could be arrested for elder abuse.
In the past, you wrote that your brother had a significant other and only came over to your mother's once a week or so. Is that still the case? You wrote above that he is "really the caregiver." ?
Is the only obstacle to complete freedom from her still your pup? I guess your rental doesn't allow animals (or animals of your dog's size)?
Are you close to your brother? Do just the two of you ever get together? I suggest you meet for lunch or coffee sometime and hash out what the two of you will (and won't do) for your mother. If the two of you present a united front, your mother's plans will hit a permanent roadblock (her plan apparently being that her children take care of her).
Again, HURRAY for moving out and away from this abusive woman!
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Many, many of us here are baby boomers. It is not a generation that think or want our children to make their careers caring for us. In fact, it is the complete opposite. We want our children to be successful and live their own lives. I am sorry your mom has said and done the things she has to you, and you definitely have a narcissist on your hand. I cannot imagine saying such a thing to my children.
Brother is closer, so caregiver. You are further away so you are not a caregiver? Yes, you are, with a very difficult, impossible mother. You need to take care of you and establish boundaries and stay firm with them. So does your brother. Mom may have early dementia. Has she been to a doctor to be checked out? She may refuse, then her life is all her problem.
It is only boundaries that will help you and bro and mom. Sit down with bro to talk about how best to deal with mom. Support each other, you need each other. Get the dog taken care of. If you cannot take care of it, find a shelter and relinquish it so someone else can have the benefit and joy of providing that care.
Best wishes.
I wish I could give you a hug.
I helped a dear friend do some research and found a wealth of information. About Daughters of narcissistic mothers. My friend realized that the only way she could hang on to her sanity was by going no contact. None. Everyone has to make their own decisions on that. (but I supported her 100% in that choice)
You may have been cast in the role of scapegoat, so you get the perpetual blame and punching bag treatment. And everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is *your* fault. She will never, ever be kind to you. Ever. Anything appearing to be kindness is often a bait and switch. They throw out what they think you want (or want to hear) to keep you under their thumb. But they have no intention of giving you anything.
Gaslighting is what they call the crazy making behavior.
You. Aren't. Crazy.
Can I ask how she treats your brother? If he is the golden child that can do no wrong(even murder, just sayin) then he will probably be puzzled by you wanting to bail on the whole situation.
I hope you can quickly find a solution for your pup, and forget her address/block her number. And don't look back. Nothing you ever do will be enough to make her treat you kindly.
A dear friend gave me a card once that said...
Friends are God's apology for relatives -
Big hugs.
Sparkles
Start looking for assisted living type of place, or some services that can help out like meals on wheels or other type of services for the elderly if she's low
on funds.
I f you want to attempt low contact, let her know any time she raises her voice or is disrespectful or physically abusive, you're going to leave immediately and you will not return for 24 hours. Make sure she has some kind of emergency pager so she can call ER if need be in case she falls.
Personally though I think you're taking a chance she'll attempt to blackmail you
by falsely accusing you of abuse. Be careful, document her abusiveness for your protection if you decide to stay in minimal contact. That way the cops
will know what she's capable of.
Good luck!!! Know that you deserve much much better.