I'm at my wits end with his behaviour now.
I could probably write a book with some of the things he's done last few years and how downright selfish he's been. Its got the point now where I dread speaking to him on the phone, dread visiting him because every encounter he manages to wind me up.
He's 84 now and lives alone. 30-40 mins drive from me. Health wise his legs are not great but for his age he's pretty good.
I visit him whenever I can and phone him often. Over the years, I've sorted walk in shower, stair lift, scooter for him. I work full time, my wife has health problems, we've got a teenager with aspergers (see my other posts!) and a 5 year old. Like a lot of people I've got a lot going on and a lot of worries!
BUT, as far as Dad is concerned he is number one priority for me. He's even said he expects this.
I've tried to explain to him the other issues I have to deal with. BUT, its as if he's saying "ah that's not good but what about me". He is manipulative and tries to blackmail me ALL the time.
He completely ignores his grandchildren. To him they are just something that is a distraction taking my attention away from him. (He even says I shouldn't have had last child at my age!).
My wife has now washed her hands of him. I can't blame her shes spot on - his behaviour has been terrible at times. When he's visited us at xmas he's been rude to her, rude to everyone else, and generally completely selfish.
One big bugbear is his attempts to manipulate. He'll phone me and ask me if I'm visiting at the weekend. Generally I will say probably. Then he'll say he's got no food in the house, so I'll have to come to do his shopping. Any doubt and I'll get well I need someone to help me and can't you spare any time for me?
I do on call at work and I've told him time and time again that if I get called then that might mean I have to change my plans. In one ear and out the other. His attitude is "well work will have to understand I needed you to help me out". Same with kids/wife- woe betide they've got something on that affects my ability to visit him. In the past when I said I cant visit x day because daugher has a party he'll say "well she'll have other parties to go to if she misses this one". (He ignores my kids- they just take away my focus from him so I think he doesnt like this)
He will manipulate the situation to get what he wants. It's like a game where Im forced to justify everything. He seems to have no qualms as long as he gets what he wants. Every single time I speak to him I end up annoyed that he's tried it on once again.
The food thing is a joke. Hes got a chest freezer that is 5% full. Goes mad if I buy more than about £15-£20 worth of food to put in there. I'm constantly telling him I'll get home delivery from tesco sorted so there are no emergencies when I'm not available but he refuses. Of course, having a freezer full of food or the ability for me to get it order takes away his biggest bargaining chip.
Like I said, I've tried to explain to him but he is just not interested.
Its really sad because he was such a great Dad. But honestly, it can't go on like this. Any suggestions?
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It was vascular dementia, but we did not recognize it as such. He passed all the mini mental and other quick evaluations.
When all of his kids decided to work together and set limits on the demands, that was when it all fell apart. He finally is in a nursing home, safe, clean, getting regular meals, and not sleeping in his own urine soaked clothing.
No way could any one person have met his demands. Even 6 people could not meet his demands.
You will not be able to meet his demands. He cannot manipulate you if you set your limits and stick to them. It is very very difficult, but you have to do it. For your family and your work and your sanity.
Your wife and children are first, no need to explain yourself. Yes, I'll be there or no, I'll not be there, period end of discussion.
Buy food to last and get that freezer stocked up. Let him gripe and groan. He is frightened that you will neglect him if he doesn't have a need. Address that, set a visiting schedule and stick to it.
Get others involved and visiting or calling to help with the neediness.
He is not entitled to your life because he was a good dad, will your children be able to say the same or will they say, he was not around much, you see he had this dad that....
Best of luck getting those boundaries in place and sticking to them, habits are time consuming to change.
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Hes just got so used to knowing or thinking hes got to know everything. He even asks how I can afford to take time off work to go away and expects an explanation!
No he is fine. Plenty of food, comfortable living arrangements, Pretty good social life to be honest. With him he can't cope too well with being ill where things like social life means a little more effort.
The comment you made about him not wanting much food in the freezer got my attention. It's because, with my LO, she was oblivious to food in her fridge, because, she would forget to open the fridge door. And food covered by a lid didn't exist. She wouldn't realize the need to lift the lid. AND she was super demanding. It was like she was the queen of the universe. Only her needs were important and they could change at any time. And then blame me, because, I did what she asked me to do! lol It was mental decline and I wish I had known that earlier. I wasted time trying to figure it out and feeling bad about the situation. Someone suggested that to me once and I said, NO WAY. She's fine mentally. But, I was wrong. That's what it was. Sometimes, it's not about memory, but, personality changes, demanding and unreasonable behavior and poor judgment. At his age, it is a possibility. But, regardless of what it is, you have the right to your own life and peace of mind. I'd focus on that and how to have dad's needs met without making you suffer.
Depending on what you find by staying with him, you can share it with his doctor. He may have something else like vitamin deficiency, UTI, depression or some other illness. Finding out the why would help, though, imo.
Yes I agree a care home would be the best place. He loves being fussed and mollycoddled. He loves being in hospital for that every reason.
BUT hes got a big thing that going into a home is the end of it.
In his head, he brought us up so now we owe him and have to do it regardless. We have to "make time" with our own families who need to be told they have to understand. Hes said this. He also said no way are we EVER putting him into a home.
On call for me is nothing as important as healthcare lol. I work in IT - probably more money involved if I dont fix things though! BUT regardless there are expectations involved. Part of the problem is he worked in a factory all his life. I work in an office so must either be a manager or an office clerk - I'm neither. No manual work so it cant be that hard or that important in his head.
Of course, not sure what the real story was here. But I haven't seen much of mother in all those 45+ years.
As I got older though I did realise that Dad, even though his heart was in the right place, made some really bad decisions when we were younger. i.e. Didn't find out the information, decided he couldn't do something, didn't bother to try anything better etc.
BUT, as hes got old, I have seen how awkward he can be and how small-minded and selfish he can also be. It does make me wonder exactly what happened in his marriage to be honest or we ended up in his custody. I guess I'll never know the full story. Part of me wonders if he got lumbered with us and didnt have much choice - which is how Dad is. Things "happen to him" and he sits back and doesnt try to change things for the better.
(He got married and divorced again 10 years later).
Of course, in his head now, we owe him big time....
His views on women/wives don't help much though. Especially his views on how they should behave etc. Hence why he doesn't get on with my wife! I often understand how hes been divorced twice....
Rethinking the script of a lifetime is very hard, and you have my sympathy and best wishes. Yours, Margaret.
I will have to read more about narcissism because I think you might be right there.
He proved it this weekend again. It seems its all about a bit of power with him. He loves to get people running around for him and generally fussing over him. Which is why he LOVES being in hospital.
Brother is away this week, as is his cousin both of whom he gets to run around for him. He laid the guilt trip on me saying I needed to visit him just in case he wanted anything doing.
But of course he doesn't need anything at all - its just an attempt to get me to go there again.
He seems to get a great deal of comfort from the fact that he has the power to get someone to visit him on demand pretty much. Thats what he likes not that he actually needs anything.
In all honesty, its going to be a nightmare because I can see it being a slippery slope of ending up in a home. Harsh maybe but surely everyone is the same? We're all willing to help elderly parents but they need to help themselves where they can.