My mom won't tell me how she is spending money?

My Dad is on Medicaid, and he gets a 50$ a month account to spend however he wants.
He ran up all kinds of debt before he was placed in a nursing home. None of those debts are on us kids. They are considered “in limbo”.
He is in the nursing home now, but still trying to buy things and hoard things. He gives his roommate money for hand rolled cigarettes, even though Dad does not smoke. He just likes to spend money.

I feel for you a lot. You are very young to have this kind of worry. It is not your responsibility.

Hopefully the evaluation will give some answers. It helped our Dad with the anxiety that was driving a lot of his behaviors.

Meanwhile, you can call the activities director or the social worker at the NH, and express your concerns.

I understand that the thought that your mom might be shoplifting is hard to imagine, however, dementia changes people in ways that their closest loved ones never saw coming.

As her POA you can request copies of her credit reports and that would show any new cards. Charging items you know you can't afford to pay for is theft.

My proper, lovely grandmother started talking like a sailor at sea and beat up 6 nurses. Never in a million years would my grandmother do that, but the disease did.

Please do not take offense, you are dealing with some very difficult issues and trying to have a life, who wouldn't be stressed to the hilt and find all of these changes unreal.

Ask the person responsible at the NH for the shopping trips. Someone always accompanies the group.

I hate to say this but could Mom be stealing money from other residents? Some people are very careless aout leaving their small change in plain sight.

Have a look at what she is buying. Are the items small enough to hide in a wheelchair? Think shoplifting. Are they very cheap? Think some sort of small pocket money account at the nursing home? Would they have to come in the post and is she discarding the packaging? Think on-line and credit card. You shouldn't be liable for credit card bills, but it is going to be a lot more stress for you to deal with. Search for the card, and talk to the staff about keeping postal deliveries for you to check. Good luck!

She may also be stealing items.
My Husband who never would have taken anything from a store without paying for it began to steal lots of items. Some I probably never knew about, others I returned.
If you think she is opening a credit card you could put a Fraud Alert on her credit with the 3 reporting bureaus and that may slow any application process.
does she get Social Security payments? If so some of that may be earmarked for personal spending.

So, just a reminder, you are NOT responsible for mom's spending. If she's opened a credit card, that's on her, not on you.

You don't have to pay her bills.

I pray that whatever is going on with her allows a guardian to be appointed and you are able to get some relief.

Just a thought, could she be shoplifting? No offense intended, I have read your posts and your mom seems compulsive, could be she is hiding items in her wheelchair.

I know how hard and frustrating this is for you, you are quite young to be dealing with these issues, even us old goats find it trying beyond measure most days. You need to fight the battles that you can and let go of what you can't, it's not like you are taking her to Walmart or setting up accounts for her, so let it go. Deal with what is and not the what ifs, I promise you, you will feel better for it.

Hugs!

Could the NH be advancing her small loans, knowing that she will have money in her account soon?

Obviously we are all guessing here. When our mother went on the monthly trips to Walmart, my sister always met her there and supervised her purchases. They enjoyed that time together. They laughed over the amazing colors nail polish now comes in, and picked out towels for my sister's kitchen, and small holiday decorations for Mom's door. Mom loved having a little money in her purse and being able to pay for her own things.

I once noticed that some of Mom's friends weren't participating in some things that cost a little money. I told the activities director that if someone had no funds for these things I would pay her way so she could be with my mother. The director thanked me but said they had a small account to help such people if they wanted to participate but had no money. Maybe your mother is being given a little spending money from such a "sunshine fund."

I really can't imagine leaving a loved one in a facility without a dime to her name.

Another resident may be paying for the purchases.

There must be someone from the NH along on these trips, yes? Can you ask them to look out for how your mom is paying?

Is she on Medicaid? Then she does have a monthly allowance.

It would be hard to understand who would approve her for a credit card.

Are you sure that your mother is trying to make your life hell? Could her behavior be the result of a condition you are hoping the neuropsych will find?

Maybe she is using her personal needs account money, which is fine as long as it’s spent on her. She could be requesting it from the business office before her trips? Since you’re her POA the business office can tell you her balance and if money has been withdrawn. Hopefully it’s as simple as this.