I echo Countrymouse in her empathy. That must be SO hard! One thing that works for me when my husband gets agitated is for me to face him and deep breathe. He usually mimicks me. We stand, face to face, and breathe together. It's a loving, reassuring moment together. Worth a try. Good luck!
I will leave it to others with more experience to suggest effective techniques; but I'm pretty sure you're going to want to focus on redirection to reassure him. You can't use reason to convince someone who is irrational because of his disease.
Do your best not to be horrified by the nature of the accusation. Think of it in the same terms as you would if he accused you of being an opium dealer. His beliefs are heart-breaking but most of all they are not real. Hugs to you.
I have heard this a lot - did you try using the search box to find other threads here?
When my DH would become agitated that I was looking for another man - I said, he was all the man I could handle. A really good hug helped him to quit worrying.
Another time I asked him when he thought I could be looking as we're together 24/7. Again, contact with him helped a lot.
As mentioned, remember this really isn't about you - it's about what he is perceiving in his damaged state of mind. It won't be any better the day he forgets who you are and yes, it does come. I had to deal with his guilt the day he touched me and then realized he didn't know who I was, so he felt ashamed. And the day that he thought he was cheating on me - and it was with me.
If you can stay calm, this will help him to think a little better. Sometimes putting more light in the room will also help.
My husband doesn’t have dementia, but he is bedridden. Our love life was over a decade ago. I act young for my age (64) and make friends easily. My husband did make a comment recently about “my boyfriend” ( an imagined one. I’ve never given him any reason to question my fidelity) but under his sarcasm I could see some hurt and worry. I told him, “Oh, sure, right! Who in the he** would want ME? My saggy, wrinkled neck (and I mentioned other saggy, wrinkled body parts as well). I have no money, surgery scars all over, no energy...Can you imagine what kind of bum I’d attract?!” We both had a really good laugh, a smooch, and then I went to make his lunch.
Well Ahmijoy I would suggest you try this... Dress up at your very best before the last meal of an evening, wearing what your Husband loved to see you wear with plenty of lip stick and a mini skirt if you wish and watch your Husbands face as you enter into the room and wait for Husband to say " OH YOU ARE HEADING OFF OUT TONIGHT THEN " and reply no not at all as you dressed up for Him. While yer Love Life might have come to an end a decade ago due to your Husbands ill health You are still a beautiful young Woman and He will never stop loving you.
You can’t convince him. You can only redirect him.
google Teepa Snow and watch some of her videos on YouTube. You’ll see that she teaches techniques such as Supergirl mentions and CountryMouse referred to in order to redirect your husband’s thoughts. Also remember that this behavior will pass as his disease progresses.
Being a caregiver to a person with a mental illness is crazy making. It’s such a labor of love for the person that was and hard to remember that his poor brain has been hijacked. . I hope today is a better day for both of you.
Your husband's brain is damaged and you cannot reason with a damaged brain. Teepa Snow has excellent videos on how to calm and redirect people with dementia.
I also deal with the same thing with my husband of 63 years. He is on the Estradiol patch which helps some, but still brings up that I must be seeing someone. I just smile, assure him I love him, and then change the subject.
So many good and caring answers on this site! My MIL was sure someone was stealing her change purse that had her dimes for Bingo! And sadly that the man upstairs had a knife and wanted to kill her, but no one lived above her. My own mother would accuse me of stealing money even though I was paying her bills. The saddest is a friends mother, with dementia, thought her husband was trying to kill her! Very frightening for her and for him. Fortunately the Dr. and the police were aware of what was really going on. I’ve shared on this site before that there are anti anxiety meds that can really help AT the correct dosage. I wish I had known sooner, but I’m so thankful that my mother’s last few months were so pleasant for her and for me and everyone around her. It can calm all the negative and fearful thoughts and make them more content. The thing we want for all our loved ones is to be safe and content until their final day. God bless you with His perfect guidance and care.
If this was happening to me, I would eventually really explode and tell your husband off so strongly, he will go into shock. Be strong, be firm. Tell him that it is NO, NO, NO and unless he stops this crap at once, YOU WILL GO OUT AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE AND ABANDON HIM. I doubt you would do that but I have found that sometimes really telling someone off and scaring them to death helps. I had a slightly different situation and handled everything with diplomacy, kindness, humor - nothing worked. One day I exploded. The problems never occurred again. And do it again if you need to. Why should YOU be tormented because he is mental? I don't care if he is mentally challenged or not, you do NOT have to put up with this - ever!
Do you understand that FTD stands for frontotemporal degeneration as in dementia? Dementia is NOT a mental illness; it is a brain disease. And even if it were a mental illness, it is unkind to call a person "mental". Perhaps you will consider editing your post and offering a more humane approach.
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I will leave it to others with more experience to suggest effective techniques; but I'm pretty sure you're going to want to focus on redirection to reassure him. You can't use reason to convince someone who is irrational because of his disease.
Do your best not to be horrified by the nature of the accusation. Think of it in the same terms as you would if he accused you of being an opium dealer. His beliefs are heart-breaking but most of all they are not real. Hugs to you.
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When my DH would become agitated that I was looking for another man - I said, he was all the man I could handle. A really good hug helped him to quit worrying.
Another time I asked him when he thought I could be looking as we're together 24/7. Again, contact with him helped a lot.
As mentioned, remember this really isn't about you - it's about what he is perceiving in his damaged state of mind. It won't be any better the day he forgets who you are and yes, it does come. I had to deal with his guilt the day he touched me and then realized he didn't know who I was, so he felt ashamed. And the day that he thought he was cheating on me - and it was with me.
If you can stay calm, this will help him to think a little better. Sometimes putting more light in the room will also help.
You can’t convince him. You can only redirect him.
google Teepa Snow and watch some of her videos on YouTube. You’ll see that she teaches techniques such as Supergirl mentions and CountryMouse referred to in order to redirect your husband’s thoughts. Also remember that this behavior will pass as his disease progresses.
Being a caregiver to a person with a mental illness is crazy making. It’s such a labor of love for the person that was and hard to remember that his poor brain has been hijacked.
.
I hope today is a better day for both of you.
Thanks!
And sadly that the man upstairs had a knife and wanted to kill her, but no one lived above her. My own mother would accuse me of stealing money even though I was paying her bills.
The saddest is a friends mother, with dementia, thought her husband was trying to kill her! Very frightening for her and for him. Fortunately the Dr. and the police were aware of what was really going on.
I’ve shared on this site before that there are anti anxiety meds that can really help AT the correct dosage. I wish I had known sooner, but I’m so thankful that my mother’s last few months were so pleasant for her and for me and everyone around her. It can calm all the negative and fearful thoughts and make them more content. The thing we want for all our loved ones is to be safe and content until their final day.
God bless you with His perfect guidance and care.