93-year-old father 1K miles away won't talk on phone. Any suggestions?

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LesorMore Asked October 2018

93-year-old father 1K miles away won't talk on phone. Any suggestions?

Difficult is an understatement for my father. He lives at home with my mother who suffers dementia. They are home cared for by assistants with whom he squabbles about pay and benefits. A younger brother, an MD, lives 4-5 hours away and is their main family caregiver and contact. I feel ignored by Dad; he never ever calls me. Today when I phoned him he shrugged me off, said he needed to drive to get groceries. We know he could have them delivered and endangers himself and other by driving.

I'm on the brink of estrangement from him and by extension from Mom. Any suggestions help, as I am really hurting inside.

Dad Home Care

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score 0 · Answer 1

Your Dad is 93. Not good he is living with a Dementia person. Are u sure he is getting Dementia too. I would call and say just checking in. If he doesn't want to talk, so be it.

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score 1 · Answer 2

You have an extremely difficult father, and there is very little you can do about it. Estrangement is a two way process. He is estranging himself from you. You can choose whether to estrange yourself from him. The kindest thing to yourself may be to lower your expectations a great deal, but continue to do the minimum that lets you see your own behaviour as appropriate. Don’t phone if it will make you unhappy. Send a weekly (monthly? Birthday/Christmas?) letter or card, and don’t expect a reply. Keep in touch with your brother, send messages by him, and give him your appreciation. Visit to see your mother when you can, perhaps send her little gifts.

I know that I met my own expectations for behaviour to my own appalling father. I do wonder why I bothered, but I’m glad I did. I know from a difficult daughter that estrangement is very hard to reverse, even if you wish to, but there is no hope if the channels close completely. I’m hurting inside from comparable issues, and I send you my best wishes.

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Thanks so much for your reply. Mom's mental problems were probably caused or exacerbated by being dominated by Dad. My visiting her requires dealing with the "gatekeeper". He has denied her visits from church members and has even prevented her from talking to her sister on the phone! He stocks freezers and fridges with unneeded foods instead of providing love and empathy. Hard to be motivated to visit there.

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93-year-old father 1K miles away won't talk on phone. Any suggestions?

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