Should I take Dad to our home town?

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anonymous262233 Asked October 2018

Should I take Dad to our home town?

Over the past couple of days, Dad has REALLY been talking about "home" and referring to our hometown.

I was thinking that he might want to visit, but the last time I took him back to our hometown, it ended up doing more harm than good.

1) Dad gave his house to one of his other children and she completely remodeled it (it REALLY needed it), so when he walked in the front door, he was completely confused and got very angry.

2) Naturally, the neighborhood has changed over the past few years. Neighbors have moved (or passed away), and the last time I didn't quite know how to explain what happened to "so-and-so" when Dad asked or what happened to his old neighborhood (completely gentrified).

3) Anytime we do visit, a couple of Dad's other children (with MAJOR substance abuse issues) stop by and end up causing a scene by either starting a fight with the child that got the house (literally got into a fist fight with her husband) or acting strangely if they're under the influence. This has also upset Dad on past visits.

Should I take him?

If so, what are suggestions on how to make sure it's not a disastrous trip for him?

If it were up to me, I'd NEVER go back, but if it's important to Dad, I can bite the bullet for a few hours to make him happy.

Care Decisions Family Caregiver

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score 1 · Answer 1

No, don't go. But don't tell him that. Say, "someday we'll get Home (heaven?). What was the name of the store where you would buy candy after school? Tell me about it..." etc. Delay and redirect.

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score 3 · Answer 2

I think not, tiny. What you described of your last visit was not beneficial to him. Why would it be different this time? Maybe it would be worse as he is further along in his disease. To a degree he is like a child now, and just because a child wants more candy or whatever you don't necessarily give it to them. You make a decision based on their welfare. Fist fights are the last thing your dad needs to view. From what I have read here, a longing to "go home" is often a longing to go back to their earlier more competent and healthy state of being. That is not possible. Could you go over some photos of the old times and places with him, including photos of his younger self? Other than that distraction may help to bring him into the "now" of his life

Glad the session with your caregiver helped.

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score 1 · Answer 3

If you do decide to visit, which I have to admit, since the “home” he is probably thinking of has been pretty much obliterated, is not a great idea, don’t make a big deal of it to anyone. Sibs don’t need to know. It will discourage drop-in visits and WWE competitions. Don’t plan on a day long visit. If there is still a restaurant there he might remember, go for a quick meal and then come home. You will have fulfilled your obligation to him and hopefully come out unscathed. If he starts asking questions about the neighborhood’s past, have a Therapeutic Fib in place.

I would like to think I am of reasonably sound mind, but I recently passed my childhood home. The neighborhood has seen better days. The path I took to walk to school has been turned into a weirdly designed group of homes and my old house itself has been added on to and completely changed. It was upsetting to me and made me sad. It’s true. You cannot go “home” again.

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ahmijoy - I had the same experience returning to my childhood home after years. It didn't feel like home or my neighbourhood at all. Years ago I visited the couple who lived next door and they had aged, but not changed otherwise. However, their son and daughter (best childhood friend) had died. It was sad.

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score 1 · Answer 4

I don't think its a good thing for either you or him. Just another stressor. You say he has cognitive decline. If he does, like you said, his memories are of the old neighborhood. Hard to except the new. It will be overwhelming. Is he just talking or wants to go? If he wants to go just say, one of these days or we'll see. I think you are just asking for trouble that may end up on your doorstep.

Curious, how is his Caregiver doing since you had ur little talk?

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Hi JoAnn...

I'm not sure if he wants to go. He's just been talking about home a lot more lately. He could just be talking.

As for the caregiver, the Orientation day seemed to really do the trick. She still finds it necessary to comment on how "bland" my food is or how she wouldn't make a certain dish the way I prepared it, or how I eat "white folks food" (apparently raw Kale isn't part of the African American diet - LOL) but they're just comments.

Dad loves her, and she's great with him. Her heart is in the right place. I just hope it holds up under all that greasy, salty food.

Bless her heart!!!!!!!

I do think she means well

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Should I take Dad to our home town?

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