When a stressed out, burned out caregiver asks a question here, 9 times out of 10 we tell them to make sure they take care of themselves, and part of that advice is getting out and doing things they enjoy.
However, I’m wondering if that’s easier said than done. At the age of 65, through necessity, I’ve had to go back to work. I’m lucky to be doing what I really enjoy, working with young children, but I’m gone 5 days a week, almost all afternoon. Our mornings are a little crazy, and of course hubby still has to be changed and fed.
Part of why I've done this is for myself. I need to get out. I can’t go to a store because we have no money. Sitting in a coffee shop or park takes up all of an hour. Volunteering—well, that’s a great idea but if I’m going to put myself out there, I’m going to get paid for it.
And, the worst part is I still need to take care of my husband. He still has the same obsessions and demands. He’s there when I leave and there when I get home. And it starts all over again. Plus, now I’m tired from my job and just want peace and quiet, not bed/diaper changes, meals, bowel movements, fetching and carrying, etc. Is there a happy medium?
13 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I’ll admit that as I got ready to start typing an answer I paused because I felt I really had nothing to say, no advice that could mean a true solution for you.
Same me as I don’t find any answer for my own situation, yet when I look at my life and then read about yours I recognize I have a lighter burden. My burden or my suffering comes mainly from the emotional and mental daily abuse that my mom unknowingly creates (yes, I recognize she does not realize what she is doing. She has never understood what she is really causing; very intelligent woman but not fully conscious emotionally) and also from seeing her suffering so, so much because of her illnesses and her depression.
But I don’t have the burden of having to change diapers, change bedding, bathe, feed, etc., as of today my mom is able to do all that. And I pray, from my heart, she continues being able to, not so much for me, but for her. Her greatest struggle is to accept her decay, if she lost her ability to be independent when it comes to her basic needs, I don’t know how she (and I) could survive because her depression and anxiety would simply kill both, I’m afraid.
So, dear Ahmijoy, you are facing it all, including monetary limitations, yet, you put your husband’s wellbeing first. You don’t consider outside care a solution because you know if you placed him there he’d decline quickly. So, all I can do for you as the believer I am, is tell you that I’ll pray for you so God who is right here with us, walking side by side with us this path of suffering we have taken, continuous giving you strength, patience, endurance and HOPE!
And the only practical advice that I can give you is to learn to truly live the moment, one step at a time, one situation at a time.
At this moment you are talking to a toddler and he or she makes you laugh? Live the moment, let that laugh feed your soul.
You’re changing your husband? This moment will pass, and while very hard to endure, you’re allowing your husband to feel safe and have some dignity as he could not feel the same with an stranger.
You are driving from work to home? Play some nice music and sing along. I know, I KNOW it is hard not to live like a prisoner of anxiety, feeling that you’re about to go back to “jail”, but that is the point, discipline yourself to live that moment, not the next, not the past.
That is is the only thing I can share that I know helps me keep going, when I’m able to do it. It is hard. And the overall light that helps me keep going too is knowing that I am doing what is right. You too are doing what is right, let yourself find peace in knowing you chose the difficult path which is the right path over the easy path.
May God bless you and embrace you with His immense love and peace!!
My son and I are great fans of the Dave Matthews Band. “DMB” has kept me sane for a long time. So...good advice!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I will truly carry them with me.
So, what would really *help*? A morning personal care assistant, so that you can shower and dress and eat breakfast in comparative peace? Time away from home for the occasional weekend's respite?
You make a good point that we're happy to tell everyone to take care of themselves and then think it doesn't apply to us! :) But in your case, as well, you are now a breadwinner. Save some of that just for you! Hugs.
Id have to be here when the PCA came because the aforementioned dog won’t let anyone in the house, but that’s a great idea. They can help get my husband up into his wheelchair. I could get him back in bed before I leave. Great idea. Thanks!
Value your friendship! Hugs back at you!
ADVERTISEMENT
Toddlers are so busy but I bet once you get in your groove you will be getting some of their energy and feel so much better.
I know money is an issue but are there any community organizations that offer companion volunteers? I did that and almost always fed a meal and cleaned up. Even if you only got 1 day a week I bet you would benefit from it.
Enjoy your pampering and your kidlets.
Hugs to you, you incredibly strong woman. Your husband is very blessed to have you and the love you share.
Ive thought of community volunteers. But hubby, while not antisocial, is not the sort who would enjoy sitting and talking with a stranger. In the “good old days” when we would go to a bar to watch a football game, I was the one who would engage the people around me while he just sat and watched the tv.
At least in the end, when I’m standing at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks me “What did you Do?”, I can honestly answer, “I tried.”
Thank you for your understanding. I appreciate it!
I can imagine at 65 how tired you are. I was watching a toddler at that age and right into caring for Mom. Hopefully it will all fall into place.
I know if I had to put my hubby in a facility, he would be dead within a year. He would be so miserable and feel so useless. You’re right. You just don’t know.
Thank you for your kind words and understanding.
His wife warned me that he would just be there, watching his programs and worrying about when she would get home. Okay.
So for the 1st 4 visits that was what we did, mostly, I would comment on the game shows, really just acknowledging him, ask if I could get him anything or do anything for him, then when he started feeling more comfortable with my presence I started asking him about himself, this helped me know where he lived so I could try to engage him in something. He liked games, so I was willing to be taught.
The 1st time his wife walked in and he said "You're home already?" Was the last time she ever worried or hurried. She could not believe it, he was so opposed to outside help that she only asked when she was up against a wall.
He looked forward to our days together so he could cheat me at games, I still laugh at his "innocence " when I would call him for changing the rules to suit him and so he could win. We became friends and I miss him yet.
So please do not decide that he will not be tolerant of another person ever, it could change. Especially if he gets lonely while u r gone, may give him something to look forward to. Just something to consider. The dog will also get used to the person and be more social as well.
I pray that The Lord sends you an angel to help you with your husband.
I recently found this website: https://www.payingforseniorcare.com
It has a lot of information about different ways to pay for care at home or in a facility. Just "Copy and Paste the URL to your internet browser. Good Luck.
https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/longtermcare/resources/locator_tool.html
"Eldercare Financial Assistance Locator: Over 400 programs provide financial assistance for elder care. Help comes from federal, state, and local governments, the VA, non-profits, private organizations, and as many as 50 other agencies. The large number of sources and different and often conflicting qualification rules makes determining one's eligibility a challenge.
By answering a few questions, we help you find the programs for which you or your loved one is currently eligible as well as those programs for which you might become eligible as your situation changes."
Hope that this website is helpful. {{{HUGS}}}
If if I signed up for any home care help at all, it would have to be in the morning before I leave. We have a large 84 lb) dog. She would not let anyone, especially a man, into the house. Even my son refuses to come into our home. She’s not a vicious attack dog, she’s just antisocial and I don’t trust her. But, at some point in the future, it will become necessary if we continue to not qualify for Medicaid and because of that he wouldn’t be able to go to a facility. You’re right, though, home care help would be ideal.
You would need to find someone that loves animals and is willing to take the time to get to know the dog.
I believe that animals can feel spirits, so I personally pay attention when my dog is not keen on someone. She sees something I don't, in the past when I've blown it off, I lived to regret that I didn't pay attention.
Dogs are like people that don't get socialized, they don't know how to be social and understandably in your situation the dog knows you and hubby, only.
I guess I am always hopeful with animals, they feed off us. So if I'm stressed and fearful, so is my dog. I only worry she'll hurt someone when they make me terribly uncomfortable.
I too, would never give up my dog for any reason.
Sorry if I offended you, I was just giving you my view point and hoping to be helpful.