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Wornout19 Asked October 2018

How do I get my other half to realize that it is time to place mom?

We have been caring for her for going on six years. Have watched slow decline, yearly, them it was every 3 or 4 months. Now it seems it worsens every week.


We do everything for her, take her everywhere with us and can not leave her alone.


My other half is extremely worn out! We do not live together yet due to my ex husband not allowing me to move our children out of their school district.


I feel bad all the way around. I work a full time job during the week and spend weekends at his house with mom, hoping he is getting a break. We cook for her and clean up after her. Not only is she into everything like a toddler, she fights us on everything, is incontinent urine and stool... I feel guilty saying it but I don’t know if I can continue spending what little free time I have cooking and doing laundry, bathing someone and scrubbing carpeting and floors because we refuse a diaper...


other half only keeps saying he has to do what he has to do or mom will have no life...hello?! She hasn’t had one for some time, and now I am worried about him, and myself!


Any help or suggestions appreciated!


Yes, a year ago we checked into and even visited several places, but we are still caring for her...this is just really tough...

5 Answers

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Wornout19 Oct 2018
mom Is my fiancé’s mother. He cares for her on his own all week long. The weekends is when I am off of work and able to help out. But like I said,it is too much for him all week, and me on the weekends. He feels guilty about placing her somewhere because caring for her is what he thinks is the right thing to do.
we live separately because my ex husband will not allow my children to move out of our school district. My children are also not with me when I am caring for mom, they spend most weekends at their dads, thankfully...
our relationship has been very fulfilling and we have been together for many years, I feel like I should be helping, but, I’m beginning to think it is time for her to be placed as she needs more care than we are capable of providing.
as for him missing out on job opportunities, he has many rental properties, keeping up with them and with tenants is his job...
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JoAnn29 Oct 2018
What kind off life do u have together! You can't date, no time to yourself. How can u have any kind of relationship. You deserve your life back. He has chose his Mom. She is past an AL she needs nursing home care. Sorry, I am 69, no way would I clean up for somebody that is not immediate family. And if they chose not to wear a diaper, then they would not live in my house. I cleaned for 3 hrs after my Mom had a bout of diarrhea in the middle of the night. It was all over everywhere. I really can't understand people choosing to do this as a job. I swore if it happened again, Mom would need to go to an AL.

If me, I would start backing off. If he cares enough, he will place Mom. If not, have u really lost anything?
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MargaretMcKen Oct 2018
I am assuming that 'mom' is your partner's mother, ie more or less your MIL. The usual advice is to stop doing what you are doing now, because it is propping up an impossible situation. If the load (or more of it) falls on your partner, he has more incentive to come to a sustainable decision. If he is willing to sacrifice your quality of life to his mother, you need to reconsider the relationship. Harsh but true!
Helpful Answer (1)
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Sunnygirl1 Oct 2018
I'm not clear of the relationship either. Is this your mother or MIL? Who is the POA? If it's you, I'd make the decision on placement as I saw fit and in her best interest. If it's him, then, he should make the decision. But, if you are worn out and not able to continue, I'd let him know in very clear terms. It sounds like her care is very demanding and you may need 3 shifts of people. Hands on care is hard to do when you have your own children and job. Maybe, he thinks he can do it all alone. I'd just be honest with him and see what kind of justification he has for his position. Maybe, you are doing more work than him and that's why he's not inclined to place her.

Also, does he have job opportunities if she is placed?
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Riverdale Oct 2018
Hard to understand all you wrote but it appears this is your ex MIL. If so your life with your children are your priority. I dont understand why you still live together. I understand the school issue for your children but this sounds very detrimental for you and she is not your responsibility.
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