Dad not dealing well with illness - He has a cold now and he tells me how ill he is, how he's not got long left!

I don't believe it. All test results, x-rays, correspondence within the trust, reports back to the trust and the rest of it will be done electronically. It's not optional. Go to the NHS's own website - try "NHS Choices" - and search through that.

Paul, did you look up the surgery to see if they're online? Email is often quicker.

What CM said, Paul. He IS in pain. Physio has helped me tremendously with knee pain. I'm taking about 1/10th of the anit inflammatories I was just a few weeks ago.

Have you spoken to his GP about a cognitive evaluation, as was suggested?

He's had knee replacements. They rarely work that well. The pain is not in his head.

His refusal to do any of the simple things, like take the pain relief he's been prescribed, is frustrating; but he is not imagining that his knee hurts. It does. It must make him very miserable.

Why isn't the consultant referring him for physio?

Have the Dr write an RX for placebos after he sees the Dr. It's in his head that he is sick and if this works.....YEAH, you got it covered.

The placebo effect is a wonderful thing. It does, by the way, have very substantial clinical evidence to support it. Even when people *know* they are taking a placebo, there is still a reported increase in benefit. Go figure.

So, what was the appointment actually for?

Well Dad had an appointment this week with his surgeon. Glad I wasnt taking him! Knew full well the surgeon would have the once over from my Dad about still being in pain (remember Dad wont take his co-codamol).

Surprisingly he was very happy when he came back. Surgeon had suggested a wonder drug. Not free on NHS but he'd have to pay - Glucosamine (my heart sank a bit).

Bought him some anyway. Why not? He takes it for a day. Next days hes telling me how good it is and how much better he feels etc. I had to stop myself from saying it doesnt work like that and said yes great Dad....

Good news is hes happy but just proves how much is real with my Dad and whats not. Next drug to try is a cracking one called P-L Acebo I think ;-)

Suppository, I expect, for the pain relief.

If you offered a man a pessary you'd have to rip him a new one. Literally.

Paul, you have a lot of great helpful conversation here, no doubt. But one thing that rang with me that doesn’t appear to have been touched upon, which is your last question about hoping he goes when his time comes, and quickly when it does.

That is not awful. This is a very real and human feeling, and relatable, at least to me.

Modern society and political correctness seems to have made talking about death stoically to be taboo.

And speaking for myself, even wishing for relief is a scary thing to admit to others because of the risk of your words being misinterpreted to have any malice or selfishness in them.

If your dad is suffering and you wish for his suffering to end, that is loving and merciful.

If your dad is suffering and also a burden to you, and you wish his suffering to end, and your burden would also be lifted, it is still loving and merciful, and also would be a relief to you. Your relief does not negate love and mercy. Don’t feel bad about what you feel.

Even if at some times you catch yourself thinking silently “I can’t wait for this to be over...”, don’t feel guilty because it is a very normal and human feeling.

These may seem like dangerous things to say, because people seem to think the worst nasty things about others and nobody wants to be accused of malice.

Wanting “relief” is not malicious.
Facilitating “relief” would be a whole other ballgame.

I feel for you - I am in a somewhat similar situation, caring for an attention-seeking parent. Don’t feel guilty for having human feelings. Your actions reflect your love and intentions. Not your passing thoughts.
(hug)

Put all concepts of "strength" of analgesia out of your thoughts. The strength isn't the point. The therapeutic vs toxic doses are the point.

Paracetamol comes in 500mg tablets, caplets or capsules.

Cocodamol is usually 8mg codeine + 500mg paracetamol.

So if your Dad thinks he hasn't taken his paracetamol, just his codeine - you instantly spot the problem...

Paracetamol is not a very effective painkiller - though it is a reasonably effective pain suppressor, taken regularly. But in overdose it's an astoundingly effective people-killer, and the overdose is not all that much, and the effect is cumulative.

Any A&E doctor will tell you how much he dreads having to tell parents of teenage girls who've "only taken a couple extra" that if the transplant team can't find her a new liver then she's had it.

Paul if he likes being waited on and he likes being sociable when he's up to it, he's so obviously a candidate for residential care that I just don't know what else to say to you. Go and see some!

If you think he really does want to go to church - as opposed to more enjoys complaining about not being able to get to church - call the minister's office. It is their Christian duty to help him and God will give them extra points for doing it. There'll be a volunteer drivers' rota or something like that.

Paracetamol taken prophylactically is quite effective. If he's taking two of them four-six hours apart three times a day that should keep his pain subdued. If he habitually takes more than that, or if he takes cocodamol on top of it, or if he tends to forget what he's taken when, he could damage his liver fatally in less time than you would think. Since you're not there and he sounds a bit woolly and in any case these fine details are beyond many much younger people, that's another extremely good reason to get him into care.

It seems as though he is screaming for extra attention by saying he is more ill then he saiys. He could be suffering from being lonly and diesnt know how to deal with it. Can you try to get him mire social things to do like a near by senior center.

Saw him this weekend. Turns out the GP prescribed him Senna but hes not taken any EVER. All he does it take ONE co-codamol in the morning and paracetamol the rest of the day. (Like paracetamol is strong painkiller!)

Despite GP telling him to take the senna and take 8 co-codamol. His argument - he doesnt want the Senna to affect him and be "caught short". Can win with him.

Told him I didn't want to hear it because theres nothing I can do if he wont even listen to the GPs advice.

Paul, you're not wrong to feel badly for your father. He has got his aches and pains, even if he's not as stoical about them as others might be; and he is bored; and he is lonely; and he can't get about as he used to like to. It's all true. It's not like he's got nothing whatever to complain about.

But the mistake is to think that you can solve it, just because that's the answer he reaches for the whole time. There are better answers, that will work better for him. Your not going nuts with frustration and overwork is just the icing on the cake. The actual cake is better quality of life for him.

Paul, sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m reminded of your last post where you were given excellent advice in dealing with your demanding dad. I really fear for the future of your own family as they continue to take a backseat to his demands. Your dad has really done a number on you that you won’t or can’t change this dynamic. I hope you’ll consider this and wish you the best

Why in the name of Sam Warburton did you offer to get him a second opinion?!

Warfarin is an anticoagulant. So is aspirin, and so are all aspirin's descendants - ibuprofen, diclofenac, naproxen, all the NSAIDs. So if your father takes NSAIDs with the warfarin he's at risk of a serious bleed. Hence he's stuck with paracetamol (which I happen to know is not regarded as a painkiller at all in Eastern Europe, as my Romanian dentist told me), codeine or, if things get extreme, tramadol. If he's not taking co-codamol as advised, I'm not surprised he's not being offered anything else.

I must admit that during last night's conversation I wouldn't have lost a bit of sympathy. I would have got in my car, driven over there, and stuffed them down his throat. Sue me. My father used to drive us up the wall like this - he'd be having rigors with 'flu but would he take a couple of aspirin? Would he heck as like. Much sooner howl the house down with how dreadful he felt. He "cured" his swollen knee with a packet of frozen peas, and wrapped a shot in a tea towel to use as a weight for strengthening his quadriceps. It wasn't until their excellent GP managed to get on top of a dose of gout, and he came gambolling down the stairs saying he felt like a spring lamb, that he believed any medicine had value.

You could rehearse: "Dad. I'm sick of this. Take two co-codamol as directed, and the senna before bed. Don't call me again unless you've done that."

You have to say it like you mean it. But you'd be doing him a favour.

Wiltshire* Farm Foods. Some of their dishes are actually quite nice, and they won't break the bank. And it's not an advertising ploy - you really can order ad hoc, you're not committed to a contract, and they do DRB check all their drivers. Have a look at them online. *That's where they started. They're national nowadays.

Paul, with all of these things, make a conscious choice for yourself - do them or don't do them, but don't do them and resent it on the one hand or refuse to do them and then feel guilty about it on the other.

And again, with all of it - what he's eating, how he's managing his pain and his ailments, even who he's got to moan to and what reception it gets - they'd be managed more efficiently, more constructively and, I have to say though I'm genuinely not blaming you, more sympathetically in a supported living environment. Crack on with it, I should.

And the shopping thing again. He relies on people when theres no need....
Brothers girlfriend is ill so hasnt visited - so he got his cousin (3 years younger than him) to go out and buy his food.

I go shopping for him he refuses to spend more than about £20 ($25). His fridge and freezer are 10% full. He could fill both up. I've tried and tried to get to him to agree to home delivery for food just in case.

So I was planning to visit this weekend anyway but I get the "desperate for food", "you'll have to visit", "Im stuck otherwise because I can't get out". Its this "come hell or high water" blackmail that annoys me so much.

What if something comes up, my kids are ill, I'm ill, I get called into work (I do sometimes do on call). I just know with Dad that as far as hes concerned I HAVE to be there this weekend....

Can you appreciate that your dad a) has some cognitive decline and b) is worried about addiction?

My mom was exactly the same way with her anxiety meds. Wouldn't take them as prescribed.

Getting a cognitive evaluation that showed us that she had the reasoning skills of a 5 year old helped tremendously in the empathy department, especially for my brother, who kept saying "mom is bringing this all on herself". "She's having a pity party". "She likes all the attention she's getting".

Once we got back the results of the neuropsych eval, I never heard him say that again.

It is standard practice to prescribe a laxative alongside co-codamol (paracetamol and codeine, to be precise). Codeine is an opiate and stops the gut working normally. No laxative, painful constipation. No joke.

And, like all opiates, it can be addictive. It should not be prescribed long term without extremely good reason.

But taken correctly it works like a charm on some kinds of pain. What's the matter with your dad's legs?

Perhaps father would be better suited in different living conditions.

Sounds like he's wanting attention.

The EMTs will not come because he has called wolf too many times, same with Dr. Dad is taking up time that is better used for people who need help.

If you can, make an appointment for yourself with a mental professional who deals with these situations. I'm surprised one wasn't assigned when Dad was in hospital to help YOU.

Explain EVERYTHING you're going through and the professional will help with ways and be a part of this on going issue.

The professional can acquiesce to Dad and place him in a rehab for as long as Medicare covers. He will have 24/7 attention, you'll get some rest. These rehab professionals will FORCE Dad to work with want he "thinks" is the problem with physical therapy etc.

When he's released, they may have a physical therapist assigned to come to the house and keep working with Dad, paid by Medicare.

If he continues these "illnesses", the Dr can write a script to place Dad in a nursing facility and Dad will not have a choice. The Dr has legal right to do this and Dad cannot override. The Dr will force Dad by sending people from the facility to take Dad forcably if necessary.

I had to place my Mom in the hospital but she was the opposite of your Dad. She had such an extreme UTI and the house was infested with bed bugs (I live out of State and was thrown into the situation). When the EMTs came, they too had been to Mom's house many times.

Mon would not go with them, so I told her she had 2 choices
1. Let me place the safety belt around her to help lift her onto the guerney
2. I would spank her with it AND she was still going to the hospital.
She got quiet (EMTs were laughing outside), I got the safety belt, told her what I was doing and then she ELBOWED ME IN THE NECK SO HARD I STILL HAVE TROUBLE TURNING MY HEAD TO THE LEFT.

Helped the EMTs and got her to the hospital. The UTI was so bad it could have killed her.

Work with Dad's Dr behind Dad's back because it appears Dad could have mental issues.

How long ago did Mom pass? You didn't say anything about if she did or in a facility. He may miss your Mom so much he is trying to get the attention Mom gave him.

NEVER take his chest pains and lack of being able to breathe as another cry of wolf. Per our daughter (RN) who worked at County Hospital for 15 years. Even IF the ER Drs tell you there's nothing wrong, INSIST Dad be held over night hooked up to heart monitor. Dad could possibly be right, but a heart attacked/stroke could be very minor so much so, Drs don't catch it.

If he won't consider an AL facility and won't take care of himself and he has become a vulnerable adult, it may be time to take his opinion out of the equation.

I would try to get him in for respite and see if he likes it. It would only be a set amount of time, so if he hated it no big deal. On the other hand it may just be the solution.

You and your brother know your dad and know what scratches his tail, look for those things when researching a place. Nobody wants to loose their independence but needs win over wants when a person can no longer safely live on their own.

However, if this is all about him being to needy or your time and you can't deal with it, you need to set boundaries and stick to them. Only see him and do for him when you want, this will help with the resentment you are building up.

Aging, needy parents feel like a rock and a hard spot sometimes.

Once I figured out that my dad could not articulate his thoughts very good and thereby saying some really blood pressure raising things, it helped me not be so pizzed at him.

Best of luck finding your boundaries and sticking to them.

Hi Paul, your last question and the following thread ended up with it being fairly clear that your father had been a self-centred pain in the backside for a long time. He wanted to know everything about his adult children’s lives, give opinions and criticisms on all their choices etc. Also that he turned down sensible ideas that would make him more independent (like putting food in his freezer), so that he could manufacture crises to make you jump (like he had nothing to eat).

It didn’t sound as though his main issue was that he couldn’t cope with being ill - more like he couldn’t cope with not being the centre of attention. My own last post to you was to stop worrying about him, and your reply actually agreed. Now the more important issue, and the one that you can control, is how you and your wife and children are going to cope with him as his trials progress.

I am sure that this is very hard to handle – you have been socialised into this for your entire child and adult life. But you are an intelligent man. Think about it.

Compare and contrast:

"Dad don't you think it's time you thought about living somewhere you can be better looked after?"

"Dad, we're having lunch at a place called Llys Enfys* today, get in the car."

Once there, you do have lunch first; and then you leave it to the people who know what they're doing to show your Dad round. And if he doesn't take to it, what have you lost?

*e.g.

Paul, stop trying to get him to agree. Fund two or 3 LAs that are within his means. Set up appointments; of they serve a free lunch.

Don't ask dad if he wants to go. " I'm taking you to lunch today, dad. Hop in the car".

In my experience, trying to get someone of your dad's age and mindset to agree to something he's made up his mind about is useless. You have to show him. Not tell him.

He sounds lonely.

That he wants to go to hospital seems like he would be a prime candidate for AL or senior housing or even a LTC facility. He can have his needs met and have as much interaction with others as he pleases.

I would focus on getting him placed sooner than later. I bet he is as happy as a clam once he gets in and settled.

Your father sounds desperately afraid of his mortality and in need of constant reassurance. Unless they find a new focus once people retire, lose friends and close family they can no longer push such thoughts away with the busyness in their lives, providing him with caregivers, either in his home or in a facility, could bring a welcome distraction as well as provide needed services.

I understand how utterly frustrating this is for you... I'd recommend only focusing on his feelings... scared, upset, feeling frail, sick, etc... How upsetting this is for him. Sometimes people just want to be "felt". They want validation for how awful they believe life is and they don't want someone to "argue" with them and tell them that they'll be OK and that they're not really sick.
People want to know that others care and and that's why they call the dr., go to the ER, want to get hospitalized... They then feel that they're being cared for.
If you are able to simply be empathetic to how your father feels without discussing his "illnesses", you may have greater ease in your life.
You could say something along the lines of:
"I understand, Dad, how sick you feel. It's really hard to go through this feeling that your body is falling apart on you. Being elderly certainly isn't easy and I really admire how hard you work to stay healthy. It's a real challenge and I admire your resilience in dealing with everything that happens to you."
If he says that you should then take him seriously and get him to the hospital, tell him that you understand his frustration that the hospital and doctors don't seem to fully understand the extent of his complaints... Since he doesn't believe in depression or emotional/stress induced symptoms, I'd simply stay focused on validating how he feels that he cannot get the help he so desperately wants.
I have found that when we validate how someone feels we can help to ease some of the pressure and tension and reduce some of the demands and perceived emergencies...
Wishing you ease... and we breathe