I just lost a long-term relationship after my mother got Alzheimer's. Looking for advice.

I suggest that your broken heartiness is really more like grief for what you _thought_ you had. The person that send you a text instead of having the guts and consideration to break up face to face is a self centered coward - I doubt that is how you thought of your SO before these actions revealed true character. It may be easier to get over this breakup if you separate what you thought you had and wanted from what you really had.

Years ago during a time when my brother and his wife were having significant problems, my nephews spent the weekends at my home - out of the line of fire. A couple of boyfriends told me they didn't like not seeing me alone on the weekend or being restricted to family friendly venues. I told them we were "friends" and those kids were "family". If somewhere down the line BF started moving toward being "family" then things could change but "family" will always come first. A couple of BFs moved on, but one told me he hadn't thought about it that way before and I was right.

SOs are not family even if they hang around for 13 years. In my old fashion view maybe especially if they hang around for 13 years without the commitment of marriage.

EVERY single answer here has proven to be helpful in some way. I can't thank you guys enough. Also, I may have been misleading with my original text as I said I 'just lost' the relationship-actually I got the text a while ago but continued texts and conversations as I thought we could still work things out. This weekend was just the finality of things as the extra car that was stored in my garage and the rest of the belongings are gone now and I think that sent me reeling again a bit. Still no face to face contact, but accepting that may be for the best somehow. I am learning how to move on, accept how it ended, recognize my responsibility in this, etc. And THANK YOU ALL again for taking your time to respond, so invaluable to me and kind of you.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. We have relationships and then there is this colossal X factor that shifts our energy dramatically. I have the problem from an opposite perspective, with my wife obsessed over her Father's condition of a stroke and the loss of his wife 9 years ago. He lives two hours away and we have had our family time and social life overtaken by this. She is afraid of guilt a fter he's gone and in the meantime her sister moved 2,000 miles away to avoid dealing with her Father. We have had some fights about balance in our lives and it has shaped a better pattern. If your long-term relationship is worth it, you may want to reach out and try to save it. In any case, I'd bet there were warning signs that were missed about it causing strife. You'd want to know that for the future. It's wonderful to help family, but if their problems, especially chronic ones, will stop you from living your own life, you have to decide how much it's all worth to you. Individual decision, case by case. I wish you well and would only suggest that you take care of YOU first and then decide who fits where. There are no right or wrong answers, just choices. It only matters that you are happy with yours. Best of luck to you, you sound like a very caring and considerate person. I hope you are rewarded.

I was very impressed by your comment an hour ago: “It doesn't mean they don't care, and maybe not every one we meet has to understand everything in order to add value to our lives? And maybe us to theirs?”. It is so true, but so hard to accept. I am not sure that I could say it just after getting treated badly. Mess or not, you have your head and your heart together now, and you will survive. Very best wishes.

I may get blasted for this opinion, but being the SO of a full time caregiver is extremely difficult. The parent does come first. It isn’t wrong to want to move forward in your relationship, but then you hit a brick wall because it’s not happening. You simulateously feel resentment, guilt, understanding, compassion, appreciation for your SO’s devotion and helpless/hopeless that you will ever have what you want. Letting go is not easy, so you remain in a state of ambivalence and sometimes depression until you can reconcile your feelings and determine what is best. You are a threesome, not a couple. What’s worse is that the mother needing care is lovely. I keep seeing how narcissistic and nasty the ones needing care are, but this is not my case. Still, the frustration and resentment build because she is always there. Following us, having to be part of every conversation, calling on the phone even when we’re in the house together, but not in the same room. Calling when we’re out. The house is theirs...decorating, etc. The obligation for the house is entirely his. She does dishes but that’s it. He has his own more-than-full-time business. She doesn’t drive, shop or clean. Cooks occasionally. The disease is definitely there but progressing very slowly. This will most likely go on for years.
But how do you give up on someone who is so devoted...how do you know if it’s an unhealthy, boundary-less attachment? Sometimes it is, as boundaries in other areas of his life are not well defined either. However, he is not entirely unaware...he is wracked with his own confusing feelings of obligation, love, denial...he has unhealthy anger outbursts too. There is no plan to put her in a home, ever. He is not interested in counseling or medication for what I believe is anxiety/depression. However, he will go to a support group with me.
He can understand my feelings, but made this commmitment long ago. We are past child bearing age and do not live together. We are working on getting her some support so he is not the sole entertainer. He is willing to go out alone, or come to my house. However, disillusionment and distance has occurred between us over the years. Some might describe me as selfish...but am I really? Do I have to be defined as either selfish or stupid (i.e. “run!”)? I believe there are a lot more in betweeners out there.
Having said all that, 13 years is a long time and a text message extremely minimizes the relationship. My guess is that communication has always been difficult for him. But I will also guess he went through some gut wrenching ambivalence and soul searching before he pressed “send”.

I feel you did the right thing. Your significant other should have been there for you! You needed support and they bailed. My sister had MS and her significant other was with her literally until the day she died (50 years). Thirteen years is like being married, a commitment for better or worse. You should have no regrets for taking care of your mom. I lost my mom two and a half years ago and took care of her and worked full time. I miss her dearly but have no regrets. Hugs~Judy

I once was walking across the street with someone I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. A car careened at high speed through the red light and the intersection we were crossing. He, in turn, dropped my hand and ran to safety. I was fast on my feet fortunately, so no harm, no foul, eh? Wrong, indeed. We're not often given the opportunity to unmask character before we've unfortunately committed to a dependence on someone with a striking lack of it. You've a brave and loving soul. He, sadly, lacks that attribute. I'm sorry for your pain, but this is the journey of the hero (or heroine), and it would appear that you're having to go it alone for awhile. There are men who match your love, empathy, and dedication to loved ones. Stay on your path and you'll connect in time with someone who deserves you.

Love, if anyone can't respect you enough to have a one on one conversation with you about feelings and texts you. You're not wrong. They are. Life happened. You did what you felt in your heart was right. They should have supported you even if they didnt agree. I feel you. I've been here too much. If you feel you did what you could then that's it. Change is sometimes for the better. You never know what is around the next corner. Good luck. Much love. Jo

Sorry but what good are significant others if they are not there when things get rough. If he left you after 13 years then he is a selfish jerk and not the man (or woman) you deserve. Yes, you have to try and balance caring for your mom and your other relationships as best you can but if he was really a decent person he would have talked to you about it first, told you how he felt and hopefully you could have reached some compromise. The fact he left you via text after 13 years while you are dealing with a sick mother shows a lack of compassion, integrity and just plain decency. I know you are probably heartbroken and I do feel for you. Been there. A real man (or woman) who loves you would stand by your side in the bad times and at the very least communicates if things need to be changed. It is sad that in today's society so many people run away when the going get tough rather than man/woman up and deal with the situation like an grown adult. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am caring for my mother as well and it is hard. When she passes I know I won't feel any regrets because I did what I could to care for her. I will pray that we both find loving compassionate selfless significant others when the time is right.

Just a general response to everyone. Thank you for taking your time to help. I'm actually doing better. Received the text a while ago, but like I said texts and a few phone calls left me with some hope to work things out. Last weekend was the final straw, with the car stored here and the belongings here, photo albums and such, and that's done now.  I think I've accepted that some people make a life time commitment and some make a conditional one. And every person has to do what makes them happy, even tho it may hurt other people, acceptance is the key maybe. And the MOST important thing of all of this? Is that my little feisty, crafty, pain in the ass Mom is ok! And still running us in circles with no clue what she's even doing. Lol That's what really matters the most. And now that I have help with her, maybe we can all be ok!