I think I have caregiver burn out. What is it and what can I do about it?

Dawn: You're welcome.

I describe caregiver burnout as being when the caregiver is mentally and physically depleted to the point where he or she is no longer himself or herself. The more official definition is "a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned."

You cannot live your husband's life for him. Start planning to give yourself regular periods of respite. And if you determine that you need more than respite care, that's perfectly alright! Asking professionals to take over permanently may be the healthiest decision for both of you.

I am afraid this could be my future. My husband is diabetic and is doing the exact opposite of what he should do to take care of himself. He eats junk and watches TV all day long and doesn't shower until late afternoon. I have tried to get him to change, but it doesn't do any good. He wants me to do everything with him (or for him) and I am tired of it. Our grown children tell me I can't make him change, but I will be dealing with the consequences of his horrible lifestyle, too. Wish I had some answers, but it does help to vent here.

Get respite now.

Dawn,

Accepting the truth of your situation is a HUGE step in dealing with the stress of having a sick LO.

My own DH, though in fair health, has put me through the wringer over the past 12 years with numerous health issues--any one of which could have/should have been life ending. My hardest "thing" is that he does NOT appreciate me and my efforts. He can still work FT, thank GOODNESS--but retirement looms and he says he plans to "sleep the rest of his life"...as he has shown, he can indeed sleep for 2-3 days only getting up to eat something, then back to bed. Drives me batty!

I think you could look into some day respite care. Something to take you away. You don't speak to your husband's age or general physical capabilities, (and I am too lazy to go look up your profile)...does he have friends who would come stay with him? Family? It's so important that you get out and away from the day to day. Don't learn the hard way--which is by melting down and needing help yourself!

It's a rough journey we're all on. We HAVE to take care of ourselves or we're of no use to anyone else.

{{Hugs}}

Have you looked into a nursing home....?

There are great suggestions about getting respite time, but, I might also consider if you have stress from his continuing decline. Is there some reason that his blood sugars are not under control? Does he resist medication and diet recommendations? Were the amputations due to high blood sugars? Do his doctors understand how to help bring his blood sugars under control? I am a Type I diabetic, so, I understand how challenging it is. I'd explore this, because, if not, soon he may be unable to ambulate (if he loses his feet or more toes, he may not be able to walk well) and in need of more hands on care that would only increase your burnout.

I hope you can find some answers and help.

In in my area we have Community Health nursing program that is covered by Medicare Medicaid and private insurance one of the first-of-its-kind in our state. This allows people to be treated in their home. Have you looked into and agency like this? This is allowed me time for myself. They also provide home health care that comes in a wash my mother 3 times a week. The washing part was something that I I resented. Now I have people to help. Please look into this in your area maybe it will help.

you are close to or are burnt out if you are asking.
Find someone to stay with him while you take a break, have a long soak in the bath, read, go on a walk. Overnight to get some sleep. Self care, the things that will do you good.
How mentally stable is he? How much can he do himself? That impacts what aids can be found and utilize different - and don’t let him state he doesn’t need them. Speak up loudly that they are needed because you can’t do it all.
My husband was diabetic, had a stroke that left him with dementia. He kept refusing all aid and care, I went to my doctor eventually because I was going crazy and nothing could be done for me because it was his issue and had to be done for him. (I had our three middle school age children at home too).
I was burnt out for over a year after he passed on. You have my sympathy.

It depends on his age, his awareness, how much is required of you physically, is he mobile ( able to ambulate himself) , feeds self? , what are his hygeine practices and are they done by you,? Are ADL's
( activities of daily living)? being left up to you to do in addition to your own? He may need to be where more care is offered by PROFESSIONAL STAFF MEMBERS such as nurse . we show our LOVE to our elderly family members by seeing that care is provided. Period. If that means having him cared for by someone othrr than yourself, then that is what we do for family. Love him enough to admit this is beyond your ability. Its ok. You van still be actively a part of every aspect

If you 'think' you have it ? My guess is you HAVE it. I don't have an answer for you, but if you listen to the advice you get here, it may really help you. Don't have any advice myself for you, other than get help. Sounds so trivial. But however you can find help, maybe make that happen. Such a tough situation, that's for sure. Hard to find solutions.

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

Dawn- I am burned out.

I can't stand my mother (whom I used to love.)
I can't stand her telling me the same damn things 20 times a day, everyday, for the last 2 years.
I can't stand her following me around and wanting to go wherever I go.
I hate not having any privacy in my own home.
I hate not being able to go where I want when I want because she can't be left alone.
I hate her asking me to take her out countless times a day starting first thing in the morning, And I do take her out twice a day.
I hate the stress she creates in my home.
I hate the burden she is putting on me.
I hate that she is stressing my children out. They used to love her, now they can't stand her.
I hate not being able to go out to dinner with my husband and children or just go out with friends. I do try, but I have to arrange and pay for a sitter to be with her.
I hate that my family hasn't had a vacation for 3 years now because of her.

I am burned out. I yearn for the day when this burden is over.

What do I do to cope?

I pay someones to some stay with her or take her out a few times a week so that
I can take my kids out. If I could afford to have someone take her out everyday, I would.

I lock my bedroom door when I don't want to deal with her.

I checked out 2 adult daycare centers to see if she would agree to attend a few days a week for a few hours each day, but no go. She didn't want to, and both daycare centers didn't want her. She is too restless and will try to leave the daycare center. This would have been good if it worked out, but unfortunately, it didn't.

My brother comes once a week for a few hours, and I leave for a break.

The best support I have to cope with my demented mother is to come to the AgingCare.com forum to vent and read what others are going through.

I used to feel so alone and lost when I first started being her caregiver, now I know there are others who understand and are in similar situation. I am so glad they are here. They have given me a lot of support and understanding. And I try to do the same.

Dawn, do stick around and be part of this community. We are here for each other.

When every day is more misery than not, when you hate to get out of bed in the morning, when you find yourself short tempered and irritable and take it out on the person you are caring for verbally, physically or just by avoiding being in their presence it is long past the time to make a change. Everyone has their own breaking point, perhaps sending him for a small respite stay is all you will need to recharge your emotional batteries, perhaps finding more supports in the home, or perhaps it is time to step back completely and allow someone else to care for him by placing him in a facility. I really hated the advice to "go back to being a daughter instead of a caregiver", but in hindsight I understand the truth in the message. And I can't say that my mother's care was 100% better in the nursing home, in some ways it was but in others it was a heartbreak. The thing is once the horrible burden of her care was lifted from me I was able to let go of the anger and resentment that was eating away at my previously good relationship with her and rediscover the love that had been overshadowed by years of caregiving.

Thank you for your support.💓💓💓

You’ve taken the first step in doing something about it by admitting it may actually be happening. There are many options available for a respite break. Many assisted livings offer a respite stay. You simply call around and find an assisted living that does respite stays. They are private pay. If you can’t afford it you’ll need to get a case manager with your country to help you navigate Medicaid. If your husband is a war time veteran he may be eligible for Aid and Attendance through the VA which can pay up to 1700.00 a mont or more towards his care. Ask family and friends if anyone can help offer you a few hours break.