She's 92 with CHF, had a heart attack and can not live on her own. DH expects me to do all cooking, cleaning, meds, appointments, deal with hospice, deal with selling her house, set up showings, follow up phone calls ect in addition to usual housework and upkeep. We are both retired and able to care for her. Right now this is the best place for her to be. I have been able to get rid of excess fluids by adhering to a low sodium diet for her, her lungs had fluid, swollen ankles when she first came here, thankfully her lungs are clear and no more swelling. Problem is he has been so negative about everything. Granted he will run a dust mop over the floor once in a while but complains that it needs to be washed. I wash it, next meal she doesn't listen when I tell her to leave her plate on the table, I'll get it, she drips food off the plate and walks thru it, back to square 1 again, there's spots on the floor. I haven't been out by myself in a couple of months now, "take mom with you" last time I ran to the corner store by myself all I heard was her complaints to his sisters that I didn't take her with, then I get lectured by them how mom needs to get out of the house too and that I need to take her with me. To top it all off, he's pouting that HE doesn't get to do anything fun anymore. That it's like he's not married and all alone by himself because I don't spend enough time with him and when she goes he's gone. Real nice to hear after 36 years. I asked him if he wanted me to leave his reply was no, I can't afford for you to leave right now. I can't even go to the bathroom without one of them calling me for something. If it's not her, it's him. Emotionally and physically drained.
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Why would you stay and be his and siblings free caregiver for their mom.
That he actually said he couldn't afford for you to leave is so unacceptable. He is using you and he has told you that loud and clear.
I personally would talk to a divorce attorney and find out how to protect yourself, whatever he gets as an inheritance is not community property and it is all his. So he gets 1/2 of marital assets and 100% inheritance after you did all the care.
No way, let them deal with their mom. Their lack of gratitude and criticism is toxic and unbelievable.
Give yourself an early Christmas present and leave this nasty jerk, this is abuse and grounds for divorce. You do it 1st and show him you are stronger then him and his ugliness.
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I have a helpless hubby too. He is bedridden and immobile. But, even before, he conveniently forgot the things his mother taught him about helping clean and cook. At one point, he tried to insist that we would take his mentally-challenged sister to live with us when his parents passed. He, like your husband, would have done nothing to help me care for her. And, as a teenager, she could not even bathe herself because she was coddled and spoiled by her parents. I became incensed and told him no way.
It sounds like something is eating at your husband and there is little or no communication between you. Have you considered counseling? Divorces are stressful,
painful and expensive. Are you ready for the final solution? Perhaps talking it out with a counselor before considering filing for divorce would be helpful and revealing.
Good luck and come back often with updates.
How did it come about that this lady, who on her own account sounds like a brave little soldier if not exactly an uncomplaining one, came to your home to live with you? That is, why you and not one of her other children?
Are you able to get DH and his sisters all into the same room any time soon?
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