My father had a stroke. First rehab nursing home said he had dementia and gave mom POA. We just learned Mom is not going to let him back home.

She's 89 and he needs help transferring, toileting and undoubtedly bathing and several other ways. She's 89! Don't you think that caring for him at home is a little bit too much to ask of her?

You feel that your 89 year old mother can manage a man who is a fall risk 24/7? How much help would she get? How many hours a day? When would she get peace and privacy? Don't Mum's needs matter?

I understand that you are concerned about your Dad and what he needs and wants. He may very well have shown signs of dementia after his stroke. It may have been best that your Mum's POA was triggered when he was first in Rehab. I know my Dad when he has a stroke was incapable of making decisions for several months.

The UTI could also have induced dementia like symptoms, that is quite common in seniors.

Who do you think Mum is lying to and what is she saying to them? Is she saying she cannot manage if he comes home? Could you give up your life to have him live with you?

We just went through similar conversations with my Mum. Was it reasonable to expect an 84 year old woman to provide care for an 84 year old man? No, it was not, even with aides coming in 3-4 times a day. He was kept in hospital and passed last night.

You will do your father much more good if you comfort him and reassure him and encourage him to get better. If he asks about what is going to happen about his going home, explain to him that he has to get much better first and work hard on his rehab.

Is there any particular reason you're being so tough on your 89 year old mother? What has she done to deserve your apparently complete lack of sympathy towards her?

Dad should not come home. Mom has already made up her mind. Respect her wishes. Have a neurologist see him and evaluate him. Your family cannot continue on this “maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t” have dementia path.

No one can assign power of attorney for someone other than that person. Did the facility have Dad sign a document? If they’re the ones who said he has dementia, the papers are worthless. Are you certain it’s not emergency guardianship?

If Mom is competent to make decisions, you must abide by them. It’s not your call to say she has to take Dad back home and care for him. I’m sure this is not a decision she has made lightly. Under no circumstances hand her a bunch of guilt over her decision. It’s not your call. Respect her, support her and keep your opinions to yourself.

just to add....$5000 a month may not cover the cost of all the home care he will require. And his entire $5k+ a month will pay for home care, will there be money to pay the the rest of mom & dads bills & put food on the table? Have you really thought this through?

Your dad is fortunate to be in a VA NH with all costs covered. There are many veterans who are on the waiting list for these slots. He is with a group of his peers and can socialize with those who have experiences similar to his own.
Your poor mom! She is 89! Think about her needs. Unless as someone stated above you are willing to give up your life to move in and help her out.
You dad may agree to stay if it is presented that his wife (your mom) is not physically able to care for him but can see him often when visiting. He may agree just because it makes his wife’s life easier.
Look at this from your mother’s perspective and respect her wishes. Sometimes it’s not what they “want” but what they “need”.

Staying in NH is not going to kill your father.

His various illnesses will cause his demise at some point, but staying in a well run nursing home with 24/7 medical supervision is not going to kill him.

Why do you think that?

How can a facility give her POA? Only your Dad can assign someone as POA. If they thought he had Dementia, then he couldn't assign a POA.

Your parents are pretty elderly. My mom gave up on my dad before she was even 75. After 50 years of marriage she said it wasn't her responsibility to care for him and she didn't want the bother of caregivers coming into her home. Dad now lives in assisted living facility. Mom sits at home and is shocked that she is lonely, full of guilt, etc. It's ugly no matter how you slice it. Then you end up with two miserable people living in two separate locations and you enter a pinball game zipping around from place to place. It sucks.