I have been helping to care for my mom who has dementia for the last 5 years. I think it's time to put her in a nursing home, sister doesn't.
My sister wants us to take care of my mom in her home for the rest of her life. After 5 years I’m tired. I think it’s time she went to a nursing home. She has difficulty walking, getting dressed, going to the bathroom, and talking. She’s 92.
If your sister THINKS she can care for Mom great..... Maybe if sister comes and stays with Mom for a week that might give her a good idea as to what you are facing. If Mom is still in her home you need to keep a few things in mind. She may be fine this week, or this month but what happens next month when she "all of a sudden" can not get into the shower?, or climb the stairs, or starts to wander?, or decides that night time is the time that she should be awake and sleep all day?, or she wants to....whatever is next in her mind to do? Are you with her 24/7/365? or is she alone some of the time. There will be a time when she can not be alone. Is the house adaptable for what comes next? Wheelchair, Sit-to-stand?, Hoyer lift? Roll in shower? large enough bathroom to get equipment into?
And you may be jumping the gun a bit on the "nursing home" maybe Memory Care facility is what she needs. This will keep her occupied with projects, engaged with other people and outings once in a while if it is safe for her to do so.
But if sister thinks she can do it let her stay with Mom, offer the same amount and type of help she gives you. If sister can do it let her take on this task and see how far it goes. It might also be possible that you just need a break. There are many Memory Care facilities that you could put Mom in for Respite care, a week break might be good for both of you and you can see how well she does in a Memory Care facility with staff that have been trained in Memory care.
I think that terminology is region specific, here is AZ memory care is lock down. No one walks, everyone is in a wheelchair, no outings, not even pictures on the walls, sterile environment.
I believe that you need an assessment by professional people to determine what level of care is required, you can't just put some one into a facility, AL here even requires a doctor to verify you need assistance with ADLs.
So I am sure it would be a needs appropriate placement.
Do you live with Mom? Or you take turns caring for her? Is she ever alone?
I would say its time for professional care. She is only going to continue to decline. If she is 92 your are in your 60s? You are a senior too. You will or have limitations. Me, I am 5 ft tall so I have no leverage when helping people bigger than me. And I refuse to hurt my back trying.
Hi JoAnn, Thanks for your reply. I am 71. Yes, I am a senior taking care of a senior, When Mom falls, I have to call someone to help me get her up. She’s about 165 pounds and I’m 130. Mother is very healthy, and could live another 10 years.. Her times of agitation are mentally taxing. My sister was a social worker at a mental hospital. I was a teacher.. I think she’s had a little more practice.
Tell your sister that you have reached the end of your rope and that mom needs professional care. If she is determined to keep mom home she will be flying solo.
Just because we are willing doesn't mean we can force others to follow our program. If she wants it, she can do it. There comes a time when it is unfair to ALL involved to try this at home. The care you described is 24/7/365 and mom will be okay in professional care.
It is not easy to do but when you are on empty it is the right choice.
Don't let her bully you into continuing, tell her you are done as of --- mom goes into a facility or you do it alone. Now it's her choice to make.
Thanks for your reply... I am 71, and was a teacher. My sister was a social worker at a mental hospital. I think she’s had a little more practice at helping the mentally challenged... I’ve done 24 hours a week for the last 5 years. Poor Mom can’t do anything so it’s virtually sitting, which drives me crazy😩
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Maybe if sister comes and stays with Mom for a week that might give her a good idea as to what you are facing.
If Mom is still in her home you need to keep a few things in mind.
She may be fine this week, or this month but what happens next month when she "all of a sudden" can not get into the shower?, or climb the stairs, or starts to wander?, or decides that night time is the time that she should be awake and sleep all day?, or she wants to....whatever is next in her mind to do?
Are you with her 24/7/365? or is she alone some of the time. There will be a time when she can not be alone.
Is the house adaptable for what comes next? Wheelchair, Sit-to-stand?, Hoyer lift? Roll in shower? large enough bathroom to get equipment into?
And you may be jumping the gun a bit on the "nursing home" maybe Memory Care facility is what she needs. This will keep her occupied with projects, engaged with other people and outings once in a while if it is safe for her to do so.
But if sister thinks she can do it let her stay with Mom, offer the same amount and type of help she gives you. If sister can do it let her take on this task and see how far it goes.
It might also be possible that you just need a break. There are many Memory Care facilities that you could put Mom in for Respite care, a week break might be good for both of you and you can see how well she does in a Memory Care facility with staff that have been trained in Memory care.
I believe that you need an assessment by professional people to determine what level of care is required, you can't just put some one into a facility, AL here even requires a doctor to verify you need assistance with ADLs.
So I am sure it would be a needs appropriate placement.
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I would say its time for professional care. She is only going to continue to decline. If she is 92 your are in your 60s? You are a senior too. You will or have limitations. Me, I am 5 ft tall so I have no leverage when helping people bigger than me. And I refuse to hurt my back trying.
Mother is very healthy, and could live another 10 years.. Her times of agitation are mentally taxing. My sister was a social worker at a mental hospital. I was a teacher.. I think she’s had a little more practice.
Just because we are willing doesn't mean we can force others to follow our program. If she wants it, she can do it. There comes a time when it is unfair to ALL involved to try this at home. The care you described is 24/7/365 and mom will be okay in professional care.
It is not easy to do but when you are on empty it is the right choice.
Don't let her bully you into continuing, tell her you are done as of --- mom goes into a facility or you do it alone. Now it's her choice to make.