My cousin wants wants to come see my Mom who has dementia and lives with me and my spouse. My mother feels embarrassed she doesn’t remember people and she thinks she looks too bad for people to see her. She welcomes her hospice nurses okay but has expressed that she doesn’t really want visits from anyone other than her immediate family.
My cousin has planned to come see her in few days and how can I politely tell my cousin, who I love, not to visit.
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Just do not let anyone guilt you into anything you or your mom don't want..
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Thank you for your helpful answer!
Of course, your cousin might be disappointed not to see your mother so explain the situation to her ahead of time. I would try to accommodate my mother's request but I wouldn't go so far as to ban all relatives from the home from now on. That doesn't seem like a reasonable thing to ask you to do.
I had to tell people for 2 years that my DH didn't want company - it made him uncomfortable. I took the calls and sometimes DH took the phone but as often as not, he didn't even want to do that.
It's about the patient, not the visitors. I called his brother when I knew time was growing short - and both his brothers came and wound up visiting with each other, not my husband. I don't think Ray even knew they were in the room as he was already sleeping most of the day. But I thought they should get the chance to say goodbye. Ray was gone within the week.
"It is about the patient, not the visitors".
Protecting the wishes, privacy and dignity of the patient is first, imo.
Planning to persuade (or coerce) the patient into having a visitor is wrong, imo.
It would be like saying: "I know you are embarrassed, don't look your best, but the visitor wants......."
Speaking to the cousin (behind patient's back), explaining patient is a betrayal of patient. "Let the visitor know she is embarrassed" does sound all nice, but it is NOT!
Just say "NO".
Forget "polite" if that has failed.
I might add, as my mother became more withdrawn the visits were mainly with me, with mom in the room but rarely participating. I think those visits were a great respite for both of us.
The end.
Best of luck!!
I have had good luck in using digital technology as a compromise. Having a Skype video chat on my phone in the same house as my mom, and saying "aunt sally is talking to me, want to say hi?" is a great solution. When mom mumbles "no", swears, and wanders around in the background, aunt sally gets a glimpse of the reality and sees that mom no longer wants to talk.
Sometimes, mom does want to talk, has a really good day, and sounds like herself from 20 years ago, mom ends up walking away with my phone for nearly half an hour. Relatives treasure those moments.
My mom cannot handle people coming over, she compulsively starts cleaning and yelling about how filthy the house is and that there are "bugs" everywhere. (The house has one story, concrete floors and is very easy to keep clean.) But telling people not to come over is a problem, so instead I redirect and ask to start with a phonecall or skype and work up to a visit.
Instead of denying contact, I complain to relatives that I have tried to get mom to call or visit them and she is not interested anymore. And then, while on the phone, I ask mom to say hi, and she almost always refuses in a way the relative can hear.
There are three people my mom can stand having come over, and even then we need to work into it. Sometimes they choose to stay outside while I duck into the house to avoid the potential meltdown.
Thank you cousin for wanting to see mom she is not well and requests for visits are denied at this time.
She welcomes, notes, cards and letters.
Sometime you just need to be open and tell them if it hurts their feelings sorry but that is the way it is.
Blessings
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