I asked a question about a year ago about my FIL who was refusing to go into a care facility. I had been taking care of him for four years and also his wife for two years, before she passed away. I received many good answers from the people on this forum. Since then he too has passed away and my husband and I have managed to start getting our lives back to normal. Cue the next crisis.
I have been estranged from my own mom for four years. The estrangement started when I was about a year in to caring for my in-laws. The catalyst for the estrangement was that she accused me of abusing my in-laws. This was absolutely untrue, and she never really gave a reason as to why she thought I was abusing them. I never said an unkind word to either one of my husband’s parents. In fact, I had quit my job in order to care for them, which was never really appreciated.
Although her accusation was the official reason I stopped talking to her, in truth, it was just the straw that broke the camels back. She has been a cruel, delusional alcoholic all my life. Her behaviour has pushed away every single person in her life except for my younger sister. Full disclosure, I have also suffered from alcoholism but have been sober for the past 3 1/2 years.
My sister lives about a 6 hour drive away from the town where my mother and I live. She calls my mother every day and visits three times a year for a couple days each time. On this last visit, she informed my father, from whom my mother is divorced, that my mother is going downhill. She is having trouble caring for her house and can’t even change lightbulbs by herself anymore. She is 69 years old. My sister then informed my dad that she thinks she is going to ask me to take care of my mother.
I CANNOT DO THIS.
If I agree to take care of my mother, she will take over every aspect of my life. She truly cares about nothing except herself. She would not care if taking care of her killed me.
My question is, how do I handle this with my sister? We are very close, and I really do hate that the burden of my mother is on her. However, I also know that five minute phone calls and three time a year visits are nothing compared to what would be expected of me.
Although my sister hasn’t even broached the subject with me yet, I know that it is coming. I do feel sympathy for her because I understand that she must be at a loss for what to do since she lives so far away. I just know that I cannot take care of this woman. What do I do?
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Best of luck, dear woman.
My dad actually did offer help to my sister, but oooooooh myyyyyy Goood no. They have been divorced for 25 years but even mentioning my father turns my mother into something like a wild animal. It would not end well.
I do think you are right about getting ahead of the problem and talking to my sister before she brings it up. Perhaps then we can come up with some kind of a plan. Of course, any plan that involves my mother not getting exactly what she wants will be met with rage. Sigh.
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For this reason alone and the fact that your mother is still an active drinker you need to remain detached.
Alcoholics are often narcissistic & don’t care or are unable to realize the needs of anyone else.
If your mother at 69 hasn’t realized yet that she has a problem she may never admit it.
Don’t expose yourself to that behavior. It’s not fair to you nor your husband who has no doubt provided you with the support you needed to stop drinking.
Explain that to your sister. It’s time for someone else to pick up the slack.
Your sister can arrange for grocery delivery, county transport to doctor visits, home repair, etc. When she visits your mom she can make lists of what repairs need to be done and arrange them via Angie’s List or Home Advisor to get estimates, etc and your mother can choose what how she wants to proceed and make the decision.
Its self preservation for you. People are responsible for their bad decisions. Your mother is still young enough to recognize her problem; whether she does or not is not your problem. You recognized yours and deserve Kudos, and did so while you were caring for your in-laws.
She told me that what she had actually said to my dad was that she was going to ask me if I would be willing to go to my mothers house and check on her if she wasn’t able to get in touch with her for an extended period of time. She said that she would call my mothers neighbor first and then me. This would only be after not being able to reach her for more than 24 hours. Essentially, she is worried about what will happen if my mother is lying on the floor and no one knows about it.
I told her that if she’s really worried about that, it would be better to call 911 if the neighbor isn’t available. She agreed.
We ended up having a long conversation about what is going to happen with our mother when things eventually do go south. At this point, she’s not leading a wonderful life but she is still capable of being on her own, officially. She’s not at the point where anyone can force her into any kind of care. I don’t know when that time will come. It could be in a month, or she could lead this sad existence for another 10 years.
At any rate, my sister told me that she has no expectations of me ever providing any hands-on care for my mother. She also told me that she doesn’t want to do it either! I can’t blame her for that! She said that when the time comes, she will take care of placement but has asked me to help her look for homes and help her navigate the legal stuff (when the time comes) since I know about it from taking care of my in-laws. I am fine with that.
So I essentially got myself into a nervous tizzy over nothing. I’m very grateful for everyone’s advice. Especially those who told me that I should talk to my sister before any crisis happened. It’s really good that we had this talk because I feel like we’re on the same page. Whew!
Because you have already been through caregiving, you can share tips and resources with your sister; however, you must remain strong and keep away from your mother. Your are estranged from your mother for good reason, and your sister must accept that, to you, your mother is a toxic person.
They can ask all they want, but your answer must be " no, I can't possibly do that".
Work on the list with your sister, and make a plan together when you can see the whole picture. Your sister can involve your mother in making the list, and both of them need to know that ‘help’ doesn’t include contact with you! That is better for your relationship with your sister than just saying no. It will also help your sister to see when and if alternative accommodation is needed.
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