Mom is in nursing home care and I'm very happy with the care she is receiving. The problem is she won't come out of her room, but just sits in there with the door closed, waiting for me to come. I'm working full time and my only brother is on the opposite side of the country. Mum has a phone in her room and regularly hears from my brother and her sisters. However, I am starting to feel as if I am under siege in my own home, due to phone call after phone call. There are tears, "when are you coming in?", "I'm frightened" (I don't know why); "I haven't got any clothes" (she does); "I haven't got any money" - she does and knows that I take care of it for her which she is very happy about. I have got to the stage where I have pulled my own phone from the wall. Someone told me that I didn't have to answer it, but I just felt so guilty letting it ring and ring. 31 times in one afternoon is the current record. I would love to take the phone from her, but then she would never get calls from others. My brother sympathizes a lot, but never comes for a visit and I had an email from him yesterday asking why he couldn't contact me by phone as he wanted to know how Mum was? I snapped a bit and told him to ring her and find out. When I do see Mom I would describe her as needy with a capital N. (She always has been.) She wants no one around her but me and/or my brother and keeps wistfully asking when I think he might visit again. Can anyone help with ideas, please?
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My parents are in their 90's and while Mom is further along on the slippery slope that is dementia, she doesn't seem to have the same acute fears that Dad has anymore. In Sept when they both arrived at the NH my dad was convinced that he was only there to pacify my mom and that if she passed first he would be able to leave the nursing home and return to his 'normal' life. Fast forward to October and I remember vividly the day that we were discussing my mom and he ruefully said 'wait until I start to forget too'. It was shortly after that I noticed he was becoming fearful.
I suspect when you strip away the day to day duties that are generally required to exist in the world (cooking, cleaning, checking the mail, paying the bills etc) there's a great deal of extra time for elderly minds to fret about what the future holds. Couple that with the childlike qualities both my parents have adopted and it's important for me to remember that they are regressing and I need to care for them as if they are young children.
Like your mother, my parents are inclined to stay in their room all day, not venture out to socialize and it concerns me a great deal particularly given that I live 500 miles away and neither of my brothers will be visiting (or calling) very frequently. They were never social people, content to be each other's best friend so I understand the solitude. I also understand that who they are today versus the vibrant people they once were is worlds apart. I think that in a way they're reluctant to socialize because they are not proud of these versions of themselves...the forgetful, hunched, frightened versions.
I'm also reminded that they entered this new stage of their lives with very few of the physical trappings of what they identified as signs of success. Street address, furnishings, cars etc. all just a memory. Imagine losing everything and having to meet new people all at the same time while baring the indignity of someone else bathing you for the first time in 80 plus years. No one wonder they're afraid.
One of the things that I try to instill in one of my brothers is that if you want a true picture of how Mom and Dad are, don't ask them. It's not an accurate depiction. I have the luxury of speaking to the nursing staff regularly coupled with daily conversations with my parents on the phone but what they tell me is vastly different from what the staff are able to share.
Susan317, my heart goes out to you (and the rest of us); what we are experiencing is tough. Heartbreaking. I keep reminding myself that I have a limited amount of time left with them so I try to make each conversation count. When necessary, I'm stern. Where possible I take the role of caring parental figure attempting to ease their fears and when my brothers show any interest whatsoever I attempt to draw them in as much as possible so that when Mom and Dad are gone there will be a minimum of hard feelings and a semblance of family ties.
I know this response is light of suggestions but hopefully something in my words will resonate and give you confort. Happy New Year and best wishes.
Then once or twice a day, I'd call to check on her to make sure everything is ok. With her dementia, she won't remember that she has called 20 times already that day so chances are she won't ask you about not answering her calls. If she can still remember and bring it up, you can say you were busy and couldn't answer the phone.
YOU have the CONTROL of this situation. She won't change her habit of calling if you keep picking up the phone.
Sometimes just being honest is the best solution. Tell her that you are busy and you give her 4 visits and will talk to her, 1, 2, 3xs daily whatever works for you. That her calling multiple times makes it harder for you to do your business. Repeat as needed.
I would try to visit when you can join in activities with her, she might meet a friend or two that will encourage her to join in. Speak with the activity Director and see if they have any ideas how to motivate her to participate.
It is okay to set boundaries and enforce them. That is the only way you will have any peace from her Neediness.
What I did was to set up a Google voice number which I then programmed into the speed dial on her phone. I set up Google voice do integrate with Google hangouts in such a way that the phone does not ring when she calls, but I do get a notification on my phone, and a transcript of her message. So much better. I can still see that she called, and I can quickly read her message to see if there is any urgent concern.
As primary for both my parents I get regular updates from the nurses which helps a great deal although it's interesting that I can receive a call that what of them has taken a tumble and when I speak to my parents not a word is said. Conversely thru most of December my Dad kept telling me they were both very sick and yet the nurses were not aware there were any problems. I've opted not to tell my parents that I get regular medical updates as they are both notoriously private and recent that anyone (including me) 'knows their business'.
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