Am I being selfish or not?

Dear Mskaty,

As everybody else has mentioned your mom’s position is understandable, but I would like to ask you a question that you don’t even have to answer here, just some food for thought.

I would imagine that when two people share the process of dealing with an addiction and luckily in your case freeing yourself from it, their relationship gets closer and, in an unhealthy way, stronger. You and your boyfriend have shared a lot together, right? You understand very well what each of you have gone through. You know he is doing drugs but you don’t judge him, because you know what he feels and understand well his struggle, correct?

In my humble opinion, not knowing you, not knowing him, just coming from a place of pure logic, I believe that of course you care about him since you’ve been together for a long time and you’ve shared so much, but here comes the question I would like for you to answer to yourself: If you search deep inside your heart and in your mind, do you really think that he is the man you and your son need and deserve when you think about a better and stable future?

Getting along with your son is one thing, he is probably fun and laid back, but being a good example for him, a good support for your son and for you in every sense, a man with his life in order enough to be the head of a family. Do you think he is all that?

You said he is a work in progress and I am not recommending that you discard him from your life, but from a woman to another woman, I don’t think that if you answer honestly this question you will arrive to the conclusion that he is the person you and your son deserve.

I know your question was about your situation with your mom, but I think the more important point is not that. The most important thing is that you might be wasting valuable time just out of habit and maybe even some pity? Life goes by very quickly, that I can tell you. I got divorced when I was 35 years old, after being married seven years. And how I wish I had realized then that at that exact point in my life I needed to make changes, make decisions that would define the rest of my life. I didn’t, I thought I had time! Time flies Mskaty, and at 35 having freed yourself from your drug addiction you have earned a better life, and I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but you deserve better people, your son deserves better.

if you were strong enough to leave drugs behind now be mature enough to leave anything and anybody that doesn’t add to your life, doesn’t help you to become a better person and be in a better place.
Like I said I’m not even advising that you forget about him, you can be his friend, support him as long as he is trying to get out of the hole of addiction, but make sure that everything and everyone in it’s place in your life.

Sorry if you feel I’m intruding and giving you an opinion that you haven’t asked for. But I feel that I owe it to anyone that needs it to help them open their eyes when it is time, I’m 46 now, and although I truly feel -and I hope look! :) - young, I so wish I could go back to 35 and direct my life differently. Focus less on work and more on my personal life, and choose better as far as who I brought into my life, and specially be mature enough and wise enough to know when to let go, and do it!

I hope my words are of some help. As far as your mom, well think about it, she is old, she is sick, she works a lot yet she cannot be independent, and she is worried about you. And yes, it is her house. If you move out I hope you find a place near hers so you can be close enough to assist her when needed, specially because the older she gets the more she will need your help. And I also,hope that if you move out, you do it as an effort to stand on your own two feet, not to be able to bring to your home someone that hasn’t even helped you to get on your own two feet.

Best of luck and wisdom to make the right decisions!

No. I wouldn't want a child's SO staying at my house either. Old fashioned, maybe? But it is my home, my rules always. Hopefully I will never have to deal with this in my children. Part of living with mom is to respect her space. Get your own place or move out of hers if you want anything that makes mom uncomfortable.

You have a good point, your 35 yrs old so you should have and see who you want; However, it's your mother's apartment, no matter what you do or how much you pay for, it is still her apartment.

Prehaps your mom doesn't like him because you did drugs together; although you are clean now (congrats to you) and boyfriend is well--a work in progress. Mom see him as the guy that got her daughter on drugs. Doesn't mean it's true, it just means that is how she feels and thinks. And she probably feels he will drag you down that road again. Parents have a hard time seeing someone who has shown bad behavior, mistakes and/or hurt their kids as someone who turn over a new leaf. My dad was that way! Once someone hurt me or used me they could never get back in his good graces; no matter what they did! Think about it, how would you feel if your son was in the same situation with some girl? Just food for thought!

So here is a question for you. Where do you see you and your boyfriend at in a year, three yrs, in five yrs? Maybe if you can answer that question would give you a clearer picture of what to do.

You also can get a place close to your mom's apartment, so that you are close by! Another thought is talk to your mom about how you feel and what you want and maybe she will tell you how she feels. This in turn, can open the door of communicate for both of you. Maybe the two of you can find a happy medium!

And you do know the odds are against you and your boyfriend's relationship. Not trying to be mean, but doing drugs/rebab together and finding yourselves and making it through this world--lets just say, it is challenge!

Tough situation........your mother is in charge of making the rules, since it's her apartment & she pays the rent. As a mother myself, I can understand her dislike of your boyfriend due to his drug problem, especially since you both used together at one time. She fears you'll go back, given his influence and less-than-perfect decision making abilities. She's probably also concerned about her grandson. I'm sure you can understand where she's coming from on that, right? At least she allows him to come over, even though she doesn't welcome him with open arms. I think your only choice here is to move out, when you can afford to. All of you are unhappy with the current situation and I doubt your mom will ever do an about-face and decide your b/f is welcome in her home, etc. I also feel like your mother is playing you with "I wish I could die" routine.........it's a guilt trip, nothing more. If she's able to drive, work 2 jobs and care for a home, she's not too 'agoraphobic, anxious, depressed or confused' to live without you. If she's in need of medication to treat those issues, she can see her doctor, as she's a grown adult. My own mother plays the "I want to die" routine with me, and I've let her know I don't appreciate it. When she threatens to jump out the window, I remind her she lives on the first floor of the Assisted Living Facility so she wouldn't even be able to jump! If she says she'd like to shoot herself, I remind her she doesn't own a gun. Sigh. It's ridiculous, really.

Best of luck to you!!

Dear Katy,

I know this is a difficult situation. You are a grown up and you are doing a lot to help your mom. I wonder if your mom is afraid to lose you to your boyfriend and that is why she is acting like this when he shows up.

Maybe try to have a heart to heart with her about the situation. Tell her what you told us. And maybe there is a compromise.

I know what it feels like to want to help your parents but also want to live your own life. Maybe it would be better to move out and set up your own home. Your mom sounds quite independent working two jobs and still driving. It might be a much needed break for the both of you.

I hope things work out for the both of you.