Isthisrealyreal is correct, it could be worse. You are blessed that some of the other children help. I am the youngest of 6 (oldest brother passed) but 4 older than me remaining. Since my parents moved here with DH and I, not a word from 3 of them, even when my Dad passed. 1 calls when I prompt him. But he has no interest on his own. I at first felt a lot of resentment. I still fight it at times. But it seems this is pretty common in the caregiving world. Do not waste your energy stuck in resentment. Let it go. I do not hold a grudge anymore, just accepted this is the way God intended it. Forgive and let go or it will eat you up. I no longer care that they choose not to help, I want nothing from them. What hurts the most is that they have denied their parents of a relationship with them or their children. That is the saddest part of it all. You cannot control their behaviors, just your own.
We are all allowed to decide what we will contribute. It is fortunate that you have half their children helping, many people have no one helping them and not only that, the unhelpful ones offer nothing but criticism and heartache by causing problems.
I am not unsympathetic to your plight, I just know it could be soooooo much worse.
There can be many reasons why some help and other do not. Just as you feel an obligation to help your parents out, the others may feel it is up to your parents to arrange for their care. Neither is wrong, just different perspectives.
You do not feel it is unreasonable to travel 4 hours each way to help your folks out. You feel it is ok to be out of pocket to help your parents. Your siblings do not feel that they should have to give up their lives and activities to help the folks. Again neither is wrong, just different points of view.
Do you think your parents should arrange for their own care? Or do you feel it is up to family to provide it? Do your parents insist that they stay in their home? No matter the cost?
It can be very difficult to understand that people can hold opposing views, yet both be correct.
My parents know I will not jeopardize my education to help them. Period, this is an immovable boundary. If I do not complete my degree, I will be in financial difficulty when I am a senior. That is not an option for me, nor will I put any burden for my care on my kids.
By the end of June this year, I will have had 4 months of vacation since Jan 2017. Not including a trip I went on 3 weeks after Dad had a massive stroke, in 2015. My sitting at his bedside, was not going to improve his odds, my trip was paid for and I needed a break.
Although I am not a live-in caregiver, I am one of four and only my sister even makes an attempt to help. She lives hours away but she takes some of the brunt of the phone calls from dad off of me. My two brothers, one who lives right here in town, do nothing. I have no contact with them anymore. I keep my sister posted on what's going on with dad so when he calls her, she knows what's going on with him. The rest of it I've had to let go of. When the state recommended I take guardianship, I did so and no one contested it. I am also his personal representative and executor of his will. My husband and I have had to resign ourselves to the fact that this is how it is. When dad dies, they will all get the same amount of inheritance as me and I will have done all the work. I've learned not to let it bother me because there's nothing I can do about it. However, when the time comes, if there is any fee attached to being executor (not sure in my state), I will take everything the law allows.
Your situation sounds very familiar to mine. I guess I am just having a hard time resigning to the fact that they are willing to stand by and watch others do the work and don't even seem to feel bad about it. They are not the people I thought they were!
Katiekate, Thank you for the reply. I wish I could just not expect anything. How do you get to that point? There are six kids in my family. Three are willing to help and three are refusing to help. I have to travel almost 4 hours each way to go help and the other 5 all live in the same town or nearby. This is costing me financially (now approaching a couple thousand of dollars) to travel and I am probably one of the least able to afford this. I feel that myself and the other 2 siblings are giving up any normalcy that we have in our lives and the other 3 are going on with their lives as usual. Two of my unwilling to help siblings are now on vacation out of state for an extended period of time. I just can't wait till they come back and start telling me what a wonderful time they had! These people are not dumb. They are well aware that their help is needed and wanted, but they come up with every excuse in the book why they can't. I will not abandon my parent that is needing the help, but at the same time, am having a hard time just letting go of the fact that some are perfectly willing to sit and watch the sacrifices others are making and not do anything themselves. Their selfishness is unbelievable!
It is very ideal for all siblings to all care for parents as a team. Unfortunately, usually there is one person doing the job, and the rest do whatever. Sometimes, it's because they live far away. Some have health issues and can't, etc. And some just don't want to.
Instead of being resentful, find a caregiver that can help, so you can have a break and take care of yourself.
I hear you loud and clear. Some are in denial and think everything is fine. Some think you are perfectly up to the task and how hard can it be? It's time for a sit-down with all the siblings and only the siblings. That means not the parents and not the in-laws or grandchildren. Get everyone on the same page. Decide whether a nursing home is affordable and when it should come into play.
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You are blessed that some of the other children help.
I am the youngest of 6 (oldest brother passed) but 4 older than me remaining.
Since my parents moved here with DH and I, not a word from 3 of them, even when my Dad passed. 1 calls when I prompt him. But he has no interest on his own.
I at first felt a lot of resentment. I still fight it at times. But it seems this is pretty common in the caregiving world.
Do not waste your energy stuck in resentment. Let it go.
I do not hold a grudge anymore, just accepted this is the way God intended it. Forgive and let go or it will eat you up. I no longer care that they choose not to help, I want nothing from them. What hurts the most is that they have denied their parents of a relationship with them or their children. That is the saddest part of it all.
You cannot control their behaviors, just your own.
I am not unsympathetic to your plight, I just know it could be soooooo much worse.
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You do not feel it is unreasonable to travel 4 hours each way to help your folks out. You feel it is ok to be out of pocket to help your parents. Your siblings do not feel that they should have to give up their lives and activities to help the folks. Again neither is wrong, just different points of view.
Do you think your parents should arrange for their own care? Or do you feel it is up to family to provide it? Do your parents insist that they stay in their home? No matter the cost?
It can be very difficult to understand that people can hold opposing views, yet both be correct.
My parents know I will not jeopardize my education to help them. Period, this is an immovable boundary. If I do not complete my degree, I will be in financial difficulty when I am a senior. That is not an option for me, nor will I put any burden for my care on my kids.
By the end of June this year, I will have had 4 months of vacation since Jan 2017. Not including a trip I went on 3 weeks after Dad had a massive stroke, in 2015. My sitting at his bedside, was not going to improve his odds, my trip was paid for and I needed a break.
by expecting nothing, I was not stressed out about the feeling I was neglected or used.
Only time my my brother was even slightly interested was when he thought he could get money. Better off without em!
Thank you for the reply. I wish I could just not expect anything. How do you get to that point?
There are six kids in my family. Three are willing to help and three are refusing to help. I have to travel almost 4 hours each way to go help and the other 5 all live in the same town or nearby. This is costing me financially (now approaching a couple thousand of dollars) to travel and I am probably one of the least able to afford this. I feel that myself and the other 2 siblings are giving up any normalcy that we have in our lives and the other 3 are going on with their lives as usual. Two of my unwilling to help siblings are now on vacation out of state for an extended period of time. I just can't wait till they come back and start telling me what a wonderful time they had! These people are not dumb. They are well aware that their help is needed and wanted, but they come up with every excuse in the book why they can't. I will not abandon my parent that is needing the help, but at the same time, am having a hard time just letting go of the fact that some are perfectly willing to sit and watch the sacrifices others are making and not do anything themselves. Their selfishness is unbelievable!
Instead of being resentful, find a caregiver that can help, so you can have a break and take care of yourself.