Mother-in-law is in rehab and I don't want her to come home. Am I terrible?

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Thextrag Asked January 2019

Mother-in-law is in rehab and I don't want her to come home. Am I terrible?

Had in laws move in with us 13 years ago.
Father in law got ill and we had home hospice for 10 mos. 8 years ago. Nightmare. I became ill from it. Mother in law, now 93, recently fell and broke hip bone.
Prior, she had mobility issues, small falls and became increasingly incontinent, and increasingly very dependant.
Now she is in rehab, and totally incontinent and we found out she had fractured ribs in prior fall at home.
Dr. has advised there will be additional falls, and she should not be left alone.
I am disabled- survived 2 cancers, major back surgery, shoulder surgery, cataract surgery. I have glaucoma, fibromyalgia, allydonia, migraines, asthma, arthritis, and the list goes on. We also have 2 dogs at home.
I cannot see having a multitude of home care aides coming and going again, with me as her main "aide". Husband travels for work, brother in law too. Do I cut bait and leave for my own health and sanity? Or am I just inhumane?

Burnout Care Decisions Family Caregiver

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score 1 · Answer 1

Your needs count and you are no longer physically able to take care of her. What does your husband think of this? This is the perfect opportunity to transition her to AL. If your husband is not on board tell him that he needs to take over her day to day care because you are done.

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score 2 · Answer 2

Theestrag, I'm astounded that you managed this long with all your own issues! I would have been in AL or a NH long ago with all that.... If the only option you have, due to no one caring for your needs, is to leave, now's the time!

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score 2 · Answer 3

Your needs count too and it appears that MIL needs are at least a bit more than you can safely and sanely handle. Especially when you are concerned and/or reluctant to attempt to provide that level of care. Incontinence in and of itself will suck up a lot of your time and is not for the faint of heart.

I can totally understand why you feel bad about saying no, but sometimes it's the right decision.

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score 5 · Answer 4

You are not a terrible person at all. You are worn out.

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score 4 · Answer 5

No, you are not terrible.

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score 4 · Answer 6

I think you have a number of reasons why you can no longer care for her or should have up to this point. Stress is not good for the health problems you have. If MIL has money use it. When its gone apply for Medicaid.

If you r contemplating leaving, then I am assuming that DH is not sympathetic to your health problems? Do you have your own money where leaving is an option, someone to live with? In the end, if thats what you need to do for your own health and sanity, do it. Husband will just have to take on the responsibility and figure it all out. He may appreciate what you have been doing.

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score 4 · Answer 7

MIL should transition from rehab to long term care, preferably at the facility where she is now. Is that under consideration?

Why do you think that you need to leave your home?

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Mother-in-law is in rehab and I don't want her to come home. Am I terrible?

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