Abusive for no reason. Is it ALWAYS going to be this way?

I want to thank everyone for your responses. This forum has saved me a lot of Kleenex.

Mom and I had a sincere conversation and I literally told her I was burned out. I want to go home back to my husband, my dog, my things, and not in a selfish way, but because according to everyone medical and non-medical, they are optimistic about her recovery. She too wants me to go home and came to the full realization of the impact her illness is having on not just here.

Miracles do happen.

She was hospitalized for malnutrition, and hyponatremia due to an esophageal stricture. She has weakness, but she is doing very well with the walker. She cannot get past the fear of falling. I am sorry for that, but as I make her practice walking even I have told her that she seems very sturdy and stable - even more so with the walker, and should be pleased with herself that she’s even able to do that much.

she wants to see about overnight in home care now, and as her POA I advised her against it, I told her I cannot allow her to completely hemmorhage money hand over fist, and she said, “I’ll pay to the last dime to stay in this house.” I said as long as you rehab here, you can stay here.

I will give her this one more week, and then she will need to make the arrangement. I don’t like it, but she is in no way declining cognitively, her mental capacity is 100%, and yes, as a full grown adult, she can still do what she wants. I’ll maintain oversight, but if it’s going to be this way, then that’s that.

I am going to be renting a larger safe deposit box for storing valuables. Nobody’s staying overnight without safeguards in place. Everywhere.

It probably will continue if you don't put down your foot.

For me, when my mother started barking orders I looked right at her and said, "you will not and can not talk to me this way. I am not your slave nor am I someone that you can treat with no respect. I am your daughter. If you choose to talk and treat me this way I will leave and probably never come back. I said this in my nature voice. I did not yell nor did I say it meanly. It was spoken as a 'matter of fact.' However, at this point of saying it it had gone on for 3 months and I was at my wits end. She was being very abusive and just plain hurtful. Now, she rarely talks or treats me bad (she does have her moments). But I had to let her know that I meant business and it wasn't a game nor was it something she could do than just blow it off as if nothing happened!

One of my favorite lines in a show I use to watch is from Sex & The City. Samantha tells Richard that "she loves him but she loves herself more." Yes, I told my mother that I love her but I love myself more.

You need to find your strength and remember if you don't stick up for yourself who will?

Be prepared for whatever she comes back with. Don't ever say anything that you won't do or back up.

Good Luck!

Missus,

Been there and I totally understand your frustration. No one knows how it will end up. My mom has good days and bad days. I sincerely hope things get better for you.

If not, don’t do what I did. I completely lost myself while being the primary caregiver. Not only did I feel guilt due to my mom’s behavior but I placed guilt on myself. Not a good thing to do. I became blind to everything around me.

Take breaks, they are important. I wish I had done that. I’m working on priorities and setting clearer boundaries. I truly love mom. Things still become complicated and it helps to get insight on this site from others who walk in our shoes.

Short awnser, Yes!! I know how you feel. It just seems like they could sometimes do a few little things, for themselves!! Rather then call on you. Its codependency, in the worst way. I'm currently experiencing it as well. I will take on doing extra chores etc when mom is feeling really bad or sick, but once she is doing little better, I still get to do what I took on. As of now, its everything! Bills, errands, groceries, all laundry, and helping her with daily dressing/hygenie. All while raising teenage son and a part time college student. My plate is so full!! I feel like I'm taking on way too much and my health and energy already feel it. You will need to be direct, to the point and firm with her letting her know and reminding her, that it is you helping her! People only treat us the way we allow them to. A little tough love and reminders of just what the situation is, has to be conveyed from time to time. Or else the expectations increase, while the appreciation decreases. Keep it on level playing fields. Best of luck and blessings!

Do you know what is wrong with your mother? Does she have mental and/or physical issues? Is that why she has a caretaker? I ask, because, if she normally isn't difficult, you might take note of just how her behavior has changed.

My LO who I was helping out due to a broken foot, started acting very unreasonable, demanding, irritable, etc. She was very insistent and impossible to get along with. She insisted that I had left grease on her counter top when there was no grease there. I couldn't figure it out. As soon as she was up on her foot, I had to leave. It wasn't too long after that, when we discovered that she had cognitive decline. I wish that I had known earlier, because, I thought that she was being mean and rude to me. But, it was brain damage.

I figure that people SHOULD do everything for themselves that they CAN do. She might like for you to do it all and boss you around, but save your energy for the necessary things. There's a saying - the less you do, the less you can do - so she should do as much as she can to keep herself active.

If she's barking at you, somehow, don't know how, you need to let it roll off your back without internalizing it. Make light of it (I know, mom. I'll find it. Just wait a moment.), deflect it, don't argue. Or something like, "Mom, could you please be quiet for a moment and let me X?" Your suggestions sound good too - just don't say them in anger (which you probably already know, just saying...).

I think I need to take some of my own advice! My mom has been lashing out at me a bit and it's sooo annoying. I don't know if she really realizes it. Or if it's a sign that her cognitive condition is declining. Who knows?

I wouldn't confront her. What I would do is the next time she "bosses" you I would then say something. Say that you know she doesn't feel good but she needs to start doing for herself. She needs to get her strength back. You refuse to be her gofer. You need to get back to your own home. And, if she doesn't stop the abuse you will walk out. Then she will be on her own.

Sometimes you have to put your foot down.

Possibly if you don't attempt to take some control. She needs your help not the other way around. We all know how difficult some elderly people can be. From what you have stated it seems as though you are letting her demands be in control. It may not be easy to stand up to her but I think you need to attempt to make that first step. As you state she is being abusive and you don't deserve that. I hope you find some solutions.