My husband has alway financially taken care of his parents. When I say always I mean..... since they were in their late 50’s. They lived with him most of his first marriage (17 years) and for 8 years of our marriage. They don’t understand boundaries or rules when it comes to privacy. This was an issue we battled with them when they were totally cognitive. So now that they have dementia and are slowly declining it will be much much worse.
They decided to move out of state a few years back and now want to come back to live with us again. So much has changed since they left. We both work full time, own our own business etc. They both could benefit from living in a senior care facility however the cost is astronomical in CA, hence the reason we will be retrofitting our house for them to live with us.
Father in law is 85 and Mother in law is 84. She is much better off mentally than he is by far. Neither drive anymore. They are so excited to come back to live with us as they think it’s just like old times. We tell them over and over again things have changed, but they forget. It’s like a broken record.
I am am truly concerned that this will have a huge negative impact on our marriage.
Any suggestions from others that have gone through this situation?
8 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
There was a member one time whose parents wanted her to care for them. I wish I had kept what she said. Went like...would you hire someone who couldn't do this, answer no. Would you hire someone who couldn't do that, answer no. A few more...would you hire, and it was always no. In the end she said, then you don't want me caring for you because I can't do any of that.
Caring for people with Dementia is not easy. Its like raising toddlers only toddlers eventually learn. Dementia they go backwards. No reasoning. No comprehension. You think they were selfcentered before! No processing and no appreciation of what you do and give up for them. They are not those sweet little people who just sit all day. They can be paranoid and violent. And don't think an 85 yr old doesn't have any strength.
If they can't afford an AL, then find a nice NH and get them on Medicaid in the state they r now in. Medicaid doesn't go over state lines. With a NH all their needs will be met. You can visit when you can.
And this is your and your husband's problem because...?
They think it will be just like old times. You think things have changed. I think they're right. It WILL be just like old times, and if you cast your mind back you will appreciate the full meaning of that: it wasn't okay then, it isn't okay now.
How in Heaven's name did this project get the initial go-ahead? What conversations have you had with your husband about it?
This all came to a head when father in law broke his hip last October. We flew back and it was terrible in a sense that it had been one year since we had seen them and their mental decline was significant. We both looked at each other and thought what do we do? We called my husbands brothers and they made it clear we are not able to
help. You guy make more $$ than we do and that was that. They washed their hands of it and have called maybe 3 times in 3 months to check on them. They are totally useless. Sadly one of the brothers has more to give than we do financially and time wise as he’s retired.
Nevertheless, we felt so bad like they were being abandoned out there and we couldn’t let that happen. I had just lost my grandmother who was like a mother to me so I was at a weak point and agreed to let them move in to our home in 2019. As each days passes we both know that this isn’t going to end well.
ADVERTISEMENT
If there is ANY WAY you can keep them from moving in.... do it!!
I think you are very wise to worry about your marriage.
Have you sat down with a therapist/counselor/lawyer or social worker to see what the alternatives are?
You clearly are having second thoughts.
Once they're moved there's no easy way out. Slow the retrofit roll and buy yourself some time. Find out the cost of services for them in their state. Again, you clearly are having second thoughts and that's understandable given their circumstances.
And you are both adults, and because you are not elderly and frail you two have the responsibility to lead on the project.
So change the project!
The hitch came where you knew your PILs needed more care. FIL had broken his hip, both of them had declined and were not coping so well. So...
DH talked to his brother, and his brother said, basically, get stuffed not interested. So...
So - what other options did you think about? None! Arggghhh! Why?????
But the fat lady has not sung because they have not moved in. I'm not pretending there are easy or fun conversations ahead*, but you and DH need to get busy online and find out what affordable care options there are for your in-laws that do not involve their coming to live with you.
* The truth, just right now, is you don't want your in-laws living with you because it would be a pain in the ass. But you do not have to tell them that! As time goes on there will be much better, more important reasons: such as their need for more helping hands from whole teams of trained people, which you and DH are not. So the challenging conversation you need to have with your in-laws is not about that you can't bear them, it's about looking at their care needs in the long-term and doing the job properly. Hugs.
It is far worse than caring for toddlers because toddlers are learning all the time and progressing in a positive manner, however, your in laws will be unlearning everything day by day and may become angry and frustrated and will no doubt take it out on you, not because they dislike you but because that’s the way it works.
I would suggest insisting on a family meeting. All the siblings need to be there. It’s not your responsibility alone to care for the parents in law. They have given their excuses and washed their hands of the situation but sorry, they need to take your views into account as well. You say you both work full time and have businesses to run - well, in that case there is no way on this earth that you can be the main caregivers and yes it would be of great detriment to your marriage if you took it on. Rest assured you would not have a second, and I mean that literally, to yourself. By all means include your parents in law in the meeting though it’s doubtful with their cognitive decline that they would see anyone else’s point of view. Maybe a solicitor can help you or give advice.
That was my long answer.
My short answer is - No, don’t do it if you want to save your marriage and your sanity.
Why is H financially responsible for his parents? Who is paying for their living expenses now? Why have they been so poverty-stricken for so long?
Please don't let them move into your home. Your marriage may well become a casualty if you do, just as H's first marriage was probably greatly affected because FIL and MIL lived with your H and first first wife most of the time.
You BILs washed their hands of it, because they knew that they could. Since the parents had already lived with H and you, those brothers knew your H would agree to do it again. And it looks like he nearly has!
I agree with the suggestion to have a family meeting amongst all the brothers. It can be done via telephone conference call (that's how I conference about my mother with my brothers, who are all out of state). I also agree with the idea to meet with an elder law attorney or social worker to see what the alternatives are.
Would they qualify for Medicaid?