I'm really starting to regret that we let her move in with us. Everything now is about her. She does not want to go to a nursing home and tells me if I put her in there she will kill herself and take all her pain pills. I just feel like a prisoner in my own home. I still work and have a cousin that comes in to help with Mom about three hours a day. I at times don't even want to come home anymore and I've never felt like this before. I miss my husband so much but all my time is consumed with taking care of my mother. I am planning my husband's celebration of life party but it is so difficult because her care is never ending. Feeling so lost!!
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I have zero tolerance for that kind of hateful manipulation, I'm of the frame of mind that they should shut up and do it already. My mom pulled this crap for years, it is nothing but control. What kind of person won't even let her daughter mourn the loss of her spouse. Sheesh, she is awful.
I am so sorry for your loss. Stay strong and tell her that she is going to a facility, when the self harm threats start, get on that phone and get her outta there.
I had a similar visceral reaction to the original post. What kind of mother does not let her child mourn the death of her spouse??! Then I realized that is something my mother would do. I swear I wouldn't wish a narc mother on my worst enemy. The damage they inflict is immense.
Westhighland, I am so sorry for your loss. You deserve time to grieve and heal, IN PEACE. It's time for mom to move and you to reclaim your life. She can have a say in her own living conditions, she does not get to control YOUR living conditions.
Tell her this arrangement is no longer working and she will need to find another place to live. If she starts in with the threats of killing herself call 911 on her.
Don't let your mother blackmail you. This cruel. When I was about 20, I was engaged and then I recognized he was taking me down a path that, even as ignorant as I was, that he was isolating me from my friends. I broke off the engagement. He threatened to kill himself. That scared me and I took him back. Then a dear friend told me that my fiance' threatened to cut him if my friend came near me. I broke off the engagement permanently. His threat didn't phase me--that was his choice. (Long story, my ex did try to kill himself, apparently to "punish" me, but I couldn't care less. His actions were his choice.)
As others above have stated, you have no reason to feel guilty. Stand up for yourself. {hug}
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If your mom is of fairly sound mind, you may have to have an honest conversation with her. I mean, really honest. If she starts the suicide thing, tell her to knock it off. If you act shocked by her words and placate her, you’re giving her exactly the attention and reaction she wants. Is there a relative she can stay with for a few weeks? A sib? Somehow, even if you spend a few bucks on respite care in a facility, you need time to mourn your husband. Start as soon as you can to pitch the idea that she’s going to go live somewhere else. Explain that you tried and it just isn’t working. Be firm and resolute. No guilt feelings. Good luck. Come back and keep us updated.
I guess an AL is out. Tell Mom that you cannot care for her at this time. You haven't had time to grieve and you need that time. See if she will go with a stay in a home for a short time. Set her up with Medicaid if she meets requirements. Take the time you need. Maybe after a length of time Mom will get used to the NH or be passed the point you can care for her.
She now can have those pills doled out individually so she won't do any harm to herself -
You work so you need peace & if just thinking of her demands makes you cringe when you open the door then something needs to change & IT IS YOUR HOUSE in the end so stop being an unpaid slave & stand up to her for both your sakes
Your mom is committing emotional blackmail with irrational demands and suicide threats.
Can you give more information about your mom's condition (can she manage her ADLs, etc) and how she came to live with you?
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