Mom has dementia; I absolutely hate visiting her. Confused and conflicted.

Oh, something else. I gave myself a reward after every visit. There was a fabulous dairy with homemade ice cream nearby. I gained 25 pounds in the 4.5 years my mom was in the NH.

When my doc noticed, I explained that ice cream and white wine were getting me through this stressful period in my life. He told me that Bourbon was probably a better idea. Ps I've lost the weight.

So, I felt very much the same. I kept my visits to once a week tops and one hour. Always brought a treat ( a latte and a chocolate cookie or cake) so mom had some thing occupy her. I also came with about 30 minutes of " material". Sort of like stand up. Funny stories about my kids , grandkids, cousins and friends of mine that she knew. I embellished A LOT.

Then I'd push her wheelchair outside to look at the pond and trees or if the weather was bad, around the facility to see who was where and look out the windows at the weather.

Then back to her room and I'd cut her fingernails, trim her facial hair and lotion her up with something that smelled nice.

It was exhausting. But having a plan helped.

My mom and I had a positive relationship but I can still easily relate to the yuck of visiting. My mom was in a nursing home, over time she lost verbal ability, and visits were hard with one sided conversations. She was fully present, but not able to contribute much, and though it was a very good nursing home I couldn’t help but hate the environment. What I learned from watching the place though, was that the visits were important to show the staff we cared. Residents who had regular visits and involved family were treated with more care and kindness, it’s the truth. It may not be the best side of human nature, but it’s still true, when people see that you care, they care more. That’s why you plow through and show up, it keeps the staff knowing you’re paying attention and aware that this is a resident that is cared about

I can't tell you how comforting it is to see a post like this. Because I feel the same and I feel the guilt. You were brave to come right out and say it. I too hate going to visit my mom with dementia (Alzheimer's) in AL. The shock of the facility, which is lovely really but it is a "holding pen" for seniors. And sometimes you encounter someone who is really having a hard time and it's a real shock to think that is where mom lives now. And then there's what mom is like now - unhappy, repeatedly asking the same questions, and unable to understand her situation and why she has to be there. My brother and I each go twice a week. Each time I take deep breath before going in. What has helped me is adjusting my attitude. That is the one thing I can control. The following things have not made the negative feelings go away, but do help):

I try not to think negatively about mom before I go. I realized that when I did this, it was mostly my guilt trying to make her seem unreasonable/unpleasant so I could feel better (lots of guilt) about not taking her to live with me. I now tell myself that our visits are the highlight of her day and the least I can do is make her happy while I'm there. Even if it means pretending to be cheerful and wanting to see her. Hard because I'm not an actor and it goes against my nature, but I do my best. It has made a difference.

I've cut my visits down to 30-45 minutes, tops, unless I'm taking her to an appointment. The shorter time is more bearable for me, and it passes quickly. And I do the visit at the start of my errands, so I get it over with, then go on to do other things (groceries, shopping, banking, etc). I'll admit I even reward myself by doing a little shopping for myself afterwards sometimes. Now, I remember how good it feels to leave, with my visit done, and the rest of the day and next couple of days "free".

And as others have said, I've gotten to know some of the other residents. Some visits are spent sitting with mom and her 2 best friends and chatting all together. Also calling other residents by name and touching their hands or giving a hug - I know they appreciate this and it makes me feel good. I've had some nice chats with some of the staff too. This all personalizes my experience there and makes it seem less institutional.

These have helped me adjust my attitude. I learn a lot from these forums - ideas for doing something, or for adjusting my expectations. Hope this helps. It's a tough go.

Trish

Yes, I understand where you are coming from. I have written on other posts about my loss of feelings related to my parents. My parents are both now in a nursing home and I see them three, sometimes four times a week. I spend half the time tidying up, talking to the staff about them, and the rest of the visit is for them. Years ago (my siblings and I began the caregiving journey over 17 years ago), I asked God to help me to see them through His eyes and to give me the will and power to continue to care for them because I was so loathe to do it. This is an ongoing prayer. I can only say he continues to answer my prayer on this issue daily. On my own strength and will, I could not.

I do not enter the nursing home without asking Jesus to go in with me. The sights, smells, sounds are all filtered through the love of God. Is it all wonderful? No, but I experience it all in a way that is bearable and has purpose. There are many other residents there that I have grown to care for and who welcome me like a relative. Yes, they are old, demented, and often outwardly unlovely, but I greet and visit with them anyway. All through the grace and power of God. Of myself, I could not do this because my natural inclination is to shrink from, avoid or flee. I sometimes marvel at my own reactions now and how they have changed. To God be the glory.

KittyBee,

You didn't create this situation. No guilt.

Keep visits short. Make them infrequent. Bring a little something. Treats, something to look at, etc.

I take my mom old magazines, like Ladies Home Journal, Good Housekeeping. It doesn't matter they're 10 years old. She looks at the pictures, gleans what she can from the articles. She loves them. When she's done with the magazines, she or I pass them on to another resident and they circulate through the facility. Sometimes they end up back at Mom's! LOL

She loves certain treats that don't require refrigeration. I bring them to her. No, they probably aren't good for her but hey, she's 93. They make her happy. That's what counts.

I try to keep topics neutral, try not to stir her up. Sometimes take her for a little drive, to a store, or something. Never let her see my shock or pain at anything she says. When I can no longer redirect the negativity (anywhere from a few minutes to 2-3 hours), I say, "Oh Mom! So-and-so's expecting me! Gotta go!" I give her a quick hug before she starts the woe-is-me diatribe and leave.

Sometimes I go home depressed for days. It takes that long to shake off the anger, frustration, pain, and sadness I had to suck up. I walk a tightrope between Mom's self-made hell and my own emotional stability. If I don't take care of myself, I won't be able to take care of her.

No one gets to decide for you how often or how long these visits. Do what's right for you. Brush off criticism. You're in this for the long haul. You didn't create this situation. No guilt.

I didn’t have the easiest childhood and mom was narcissistic to boot. We tolerated each other for many years. She definitely wasn’t “maternal” and the pregnancy wasn’t her “idea”.

Fast forward to mid stage Alzheimer’s. I (the only child) had to intervene. We had her at our house for 3 months but that physically and mentally didn’t work. She’s been in memory care for 3 years.


She’s in stage 6 Alzheimer’s and has (finally) lost her narcissism. I like her a lot more now! She even told me a few months ago that she loved me (although she didn’t know our relationship). It brought a tear to my eye, as I’d waited 61 years to hear that.

I guess being a nurse helps me tolerate the other residents and their smells/sounds/looks and the building.

I’ve forgiven my mom for not being the mother I wanted and needed. She needs me to watch over her and I need to do that. However, I also visit for only 20 minutes at a time, because we are both “done” by then. We visit once or twice a week. She’s in better physical shape at 96 than I am at 62!

Try forgiving your your mom for not being who you needed her to be. Maybe you will see your visits in a new light.

Its normal to feel the way you do. If you can't communicate with her now, you are frustrated. I have my mom ask the same questions everytime I visit. I try to just give her a short answer because I know she will ask me tomorrow. And I feel so sad and guilty for leaving her there. But she can no longer live alone or even with me. She needs so much care.

Yes, I have felt this way, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. What is horrible, wrong, and unfair is that your Mom is going through a decline that has undoubtedly been very rough on her, and also on you, her loving daughter. That fact is a sad reality that is no one’s fault.

When I feel overwhelmed by guilt about my decisions of how to best care for my parents (Dad can’t speak and has other mounting impairments after a series of strokes. Mom is 88, and still in some denial about her own limitations) while still holding onto what I need for myself, my husband, and my son with autism, this is my mantra:

There is a world of difference between feelings and actions. I can’t control my feelings, but I can control how I act on those feelings.

So for example, I made the same decision you did about cutting down on the frequency of my visits, which were not only getting harder on me, but also on my Mom, who is still together enough to try (but fail) to put on a brave face for my benefit. Now I visit less frequently, but can be more present for both of my parents while I am there. I also check in with my own feelings while I’m there. When Mom (who never had very much control over her snappishness) starts to lose her temper, I find a way to excuse myself gracefully, to avoid an escalation, and since I really do have a long-drive through NYC rush-hour traffic, at least it’s an honest excuse.

So yeah, I often feel guilty, frustrated, and angry that I don’t have more to give them, but remembering that I’m giving everyone who needs care the best of what I have to give helps a little.

Dear KittyBee, I feel this way too. In fact today I am thinking with a mixture of dread and guilt that I need to go over to see my Grandma this weekend as it's been probably... 4 weeks since I visited already! I feel awful, because usually I go every week or every second week but I've been busy with work and weekend plans.

So now because it's been 4 weeks, I know when I get there I'll be faced with a lot of "oh where have you been?" which makes me feel suuuuuper guilty... She's with it enough to know most of what goes on: who has been by, who hasn't, etc. It's a curse to have most of your marbles at that age I think!

But yeah: I love her, but I hate being in that nursing home, despite knowing it's the best place for her and that she's safe and clean (ish) and fed (ish). It smells like pee. Everything's ugly. The people there are scary reminders of my own mortality. It's institutional and depressing and a 40 minute drive across a bridge both ways. It's half my day to visit her, no matter what! God that sounds so whiny and petulant, and I am sorry! But I feel you.

I think I am going to write about some of the funny things that I see when I go visit her. In a way, the NH is a drama all its own, a cuckoo's nest full of characters! And my Grandma is just the cuckoo there that I happen to love.