I have some concerns my brother is neglecting my mom when he stays with her. What do I do?

You need to find out why your brother isn’t cleaning and dressing your mom and ask if him he was aware of exactly what needs to be done. He may be uncomfortable changing your mom. When my MIL was on hospice, there is no way my husband or BIL would have been comfortable changing her and she would have never allowed it. When the aide came to bathe her, no one was allowed in the room. If your brother is unwilling to clean mom, maybe it can be arranged for him to stay with her on the days the aide comes? That wouldn’t solve the problem entirely though because the aides usually come in to bathe the patient and change the bedding. So someone else would have to come in while he’s there to change her.

Hospice should be providing an aide to bathe and dress Mom. If not ask about it. Really, I wouldn't expect my brother to dress and change my Mom. Its a dignity thing. But he should be able to get her water and something to eat. Having POA doesn't mean you have to do the hands on.

When you and your siblings made this caregiving decision, was your brother on board with it? Or, did he have to be pushed into it? How does your sister defend him? What does she say about his care of her? He may not be comfortable providing the level of care she needs. I know for certain neither of my kids would be comfortable bathing and changing me, and he may feel the same way.

Instead of talking to your sister about him, have you spoken to him? Have you told him what you’ve noticed and asked him if he’s not comfortable with what he needs to do? If he can’t do it, he shouldn’t be blamed, especially if he wasn’t on-board with 24/7 care of her. Maybe have him come sit with her, but when he’s there, have a health aide come in.

I would ask your hospice nurses to give you all a list of duties or requirements that all her caregivers should perform. Does he know what’s expected of him? Does he not want to dress Mom or take her to the bathroom or change her pull-ups due to embarrassment? He’s not much value to her if not, but at least he could get her water. Geeze. What does he do?