I just lost my mother after taking care of her for 4.5 yrs and I'm not dealing with the loss very good. It's very hard. Any advice?

I am sorry for your loss.

It took 4.5 years to care for her, be kind to yourself it will take time to find out who you are when you are not a caregiver.

Try to find things that bring a smile to your face or laughter to your heart. Being positive is easier with joy and laughter. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to not think about the pain so it can start subsiding and feel more like normal when we are not consumed with it.

Hugs, it will get easier to bear.

I lost my mom a year ago now. I took care of her for 3 years. She was only 60 years old. I was so close to her. I say mourn in if you have to just dont let grief overcome you. It can, it really is such a thin line. If I feel her I talk to her, that gives me comfort. If I do certain things I knew she liked I would smile. The first year is the hardest. But live, live because she wants you to and live because you have to. You will always miss your mom because I do every day. I hope this gives you some comfort. Enjoy your day.

So sorry for your loss. Just take things slowly and give yourself time to grieve. As others have said here, it is a painful process and takes time to accept that a loved one is gone. Your sadness is part a normal part of your new life. With time, things will change, you will feel better one day, but part of your Mom will always remain with you - that never goes away.
This forum is a wonderful place to share - to get support - I am sure it will help you to write down and share what you are feeling with the generous and caring souls here.
My thoughts are with you. Take care.

((((((Hugs))))) and condolences on your loss. Being permanently separated from a loved one is very painful. You have to process the loss, which takes time, and develop a new normal. Sadness is normal for now and healthy. Just let the feelings flow and take care of yourself. Holidays, birthdays and just plain days are different now. Plan some things for distractions, some times for memories and some ways to honour your mother and all she gave you. The missing gets a bit easier, but it never does away completely.

I’m sitting in the parking lot of Moms NH gathering my thoughts and strength to go in for my daily visit. And crying at your sadness and the loving comments. In the parking lot I pray daily for the strength to deal with her with kindness and patience and make good decisions, and act in a way that would make her proud of me. That’s all I can do. I don’t have much to contribute to help you, all I can do is think of how I deal with my ongoing sadness at Moms decline, and my dread I’m going to lose her pretty soon. Her biggest wish is that I am happy and she often asks that. She is the most selfless person I know. Your Mom may have been the same, just wanting the best and happiness for you. The thing that keeps me going is to try to make her proud of me...with both her current care and my life after she’s gone. When she’s gone I will concentrate on the things that made her proud of me and may have the time or energy to start to find (or reinvent) myself again, so she’ll be smiling down at me and I’ll feel her happiness. Your post has encouraged me to talk to the social worker here today regarding grief Counciling as I’m sure I’m going to need it.

You've not only lost your mother but the central focus of your days so it is no wonder you are totally at sea. Changing up your routines, getting out and doing all those things you put off while you were a caregiver, reconnecting with friends and family, just keeping busy can be a distraction that fills your days and allows you to keep sorrow at arms length while you find your footing, one day at a time.

It’s devastating to lose a parent especially your mother. My mother & I were very close.

At the end of her life, however, my mother was ready to go to the Lord. All her sisters had passed,my dad was gone since 1965.

My mother had had a small stroke around Easter 2013 where she could not remember who we were (my brother and I). Two weeks later she had a huge stroke and became unresponsive.

She was already on Hospice. The hospice nurse called me to tell me to come see her soon, that her death was imminent.

The day she passed I sat with her and so many thoughts went through my head- of being a little girl and having her with me, family outings, growing up, etc. So many good times. I remember holding her hand and looking at her fingernails - those nails she let me paint when I was little, that held on to my hand so many times.

I knew she was going to pass and got set for it. But here’s the thing - you are never ready, never prepared for the actual moment when you are an orphan (in my case), you feel very alone (because you are) & feel that no one will ever love you like your mother did.

A consolation for me was I knew my mother was no longer suffering. She was whole again, being herself somewhere hanging out with her sisters going to flea markets, with her parents who she loved and missed.

Yes you will have grief and many lonely days ahead. But then as seasons change you will note something that only you and your mother shared - those things will get you through.

She may be gone from this earth but she will never leave your heart. Her legacy is you - go make her proud.

Sorry that you lost your Mom.  When you live with a parent, they become so much a part of your life that I think it hurts more than when they live in another house, or another town or state.

I lived with my Mom for 9+ years after Dad died and we depended on each other for everything.  Mom became extremely depressed after her younger brother (age 85) and older sister (age 91) died.  As a result, Mom had to go to a long term care facility memory care unit where she lived for 15 months until her death in September 2018.

Everywhere I look, I see Mom.  Everything I touch reminds me of Mom.  I can't grieve because I have to probate her estate which is rather complicated.  I attended a couple of "Grief Share" meetings, but I wasn't ready to process my grief and loss yet.  I am seeing a therapist, but I still feel extremely sad and lonely a lot of the time.

{{{HUGS}}}

So very sorry for your loss.

stressedout,

I'm so sorry you lost your Mom. I lost my Dad 2 years ago.

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to mourn. There is no time table. You can cry. Or not. You can share memories about her with someone. You can look at pictures of her; go to her favorite places. Or not. Whatever gives comfort. Avoid what doesn't. You don't have to "face" anything you don't want to. There are no rules.

You determine your own process. Because that's what grieving is: a process.

Grief never ends, but it changes.
It's a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor
A lack of faith. It is the price of love.

Unknown.

Dear Stressed Out,
I don’t think anyone could be a caregiver for 4-1/2 years and not feel a loss when it stops. Add in the intimate care of a mother and it increases the loss.

The old saying, ”Time heals all wounds” is somewhat true. I don’t mean that you will forget her but today’s pain will be replaced in time by happy memories. Unfortunately, there is no way to bypass this stage except to go though it.

I agree, let yourself experience the feelings you have now so you can process them and, later, leave them behind. Believe it or not, one day your tears will be replaced by smiles.

This is the time to treat yourself well. Lean on best friends who are there for you. Allow them to help you through your pain and sadness. Stay busy when you can and focus on your future and what you want it to be.

You say you feel her presence. How wonderful! Talk to her as if she was sitting next to you. If you believe that your mom’s soul lives on in another realm, fix your thoughts on that.

This, too, shall pass. May the Good Lord help you through the loss of your mother.

I am so sorry for your loss. Amijoy gives good advice.
The loss of a loved one is hard.
I will keep you in my prayers, may God give you all the things you need to get through this.

I’m so sorry. Don’t try to “deal”. Let yourself grieve, cry and miss your Mom. Don’t try to ignore the fact that she’s gone. Your feelings are normal. Share your feelings with your family. Join a grief support group if you think that would help. Give yourself time. Sending hugs...