I am currently watching my 93 year old mother slowly slip closer to dying. She wants to die. She hasn't eaten for 3 weeks, but has taken some liquids with pills. Her speech is basically not understandable and she often exhibits mental anguish and restlessness. Pain level is under control. However, today she seemed improved, even asking for oatmeal (only taking 2 or 3 bites). When the aides told me how good her morning was, my initial reaction was "oh no, her death will take longer" and I felt instant guilt for that thought. I don't want her to linger in the condition she is in. Am I a bad person for these feelings?
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Good days come and go.
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What you are experiencing is normal and completely understandable.
Have you talked to your mom about dying? Have you told her that when she dies you will be alright, that the family will be alright? Have you "given her permission" to go. Tell her that you love her, you will miss her. tell her to say "Hi to"...who ever you want her to pass a message on to.
give her a hug and a kiss..tell her that you love her.
Do not be surprised if your mom dies not die when you are there, often someone will even wait until you have gone to the bathroom, or gone out to get a drink. I was told by the nurse from Hospice that death can be a very private thing and often a person will wait until there is no one there, or at least when loved ones are gone, there may be a volunteer from Hospice, or a caregiver or no one at all.
And again no you are not bad, you are not selfish, you are a loving daughter that would prefer to remember Mom as she was not as she is.
I am glad for you that your mom is comfortable, safe and pain free. Many don't get that option.
Just for a comment--we were summoned to death watch #10+ for my FIL and darned if he didn't rally, sit up and eat a cup of soup. I cried, I really did. It was so exhausting.
He died 12 hours later. We were all there. The eating was just--well, what a lot of people do. It really had no nutrition or sustenance. I think he thought he could cheat death, he certainly tried hard enough.
{{Hugs to you in the difficult time}}
This is such a roller coaster ride. One day I would swear she won't last another day, then the next day when I go see her, prepared to see her in further decline, the staff tells me she is alert. I am prepared for her death, in fact I think I have already grieved. Now I think her death will be a relief for me. I know it will be for her.
It's about her journey with her elderly demented parents; it will make you laugh and cry at the same time and assure you that yes, at some point, we ALL have felt this way.
As my mom was dying on hospice, my dear, dear SIL, who had fought the idea of hospice until the very end said "What's taking so long?". We laughed and cried then too.
((((hugs))))) to you, dear person.
Be alert for a rally in the days before she transitions to end of life, my mother had a couple of amazing days before she began to slip away.