My father has dementia, and due to unavoidable circumstances that I won't get into here, my mother has had to care for him with almost no help for the past two years. She did an outstanding job of this but it has taken (and continues to take) an enormous toll on her health. I am now living in the same city and I help as much as I'm able - this alleviates some of the workload for her, but I also have to earn a living so there's a limit to what I can do.
My mother knows that she needs a break (whatever that may entail: someone to come in and help with my father, or having him stay in a respite place for a few days at a time) but sadly, her own mental functioning has declined to the point where she seems unable to go through the steps that are necessary to get this care organized. I have told her *many times* that I can help her with it, but she absolutely refuses any help (she is an extremely independent, private, sometimes stubborn person). At this point I think we're past the point of stubbornness though - she's just not thinking straight. I talk to her about this frequently, but it doesn't do any good because she forgets the conversations.
I've thought of alerting my mother's doctor about this situation, but I'm not sure whether he would even discuss the issue with me. Other than this, I really don't know what to do.
In the meantime, my father's situation is getting worse, as one would expect.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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We found a solution with hospice, extended care!
Medicare pays for hospice care.
1. A nurse comes once a week to check on Mom (and Dad). This gives Dad assurance that he has support for medical care; diabetes is being managed, UTI's are being avoided or caught early, various pains that Mom can't necessarily decribe can be checked, sleep disturbances, mobility issues, skin issues, and a host of other things.
2. Regular visits from a social worker provides Dad with info on other resourses and emotional support.
3. An aide comes 3 times a week to assist with bathing and light housekeeping.
4. A volunteer from hospice comes every Sunday morning so Dad can attend worship services.
5. A volunteer can be provided for various purposes if Dad needs.
They did not change her meds, she still has her GP but the hospice doctor is first contact.
She can have hopice care and remain at home through end of life.
Hospice also provides some things like her walker, Depends,
a hospital bed if needed etc.
One of the immediate benefits is just having someone there several times a week who dad can talk to; share concerns that he's reluctant to talk to me about.
Hospice has been a blessing for us!
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I might also see an Elder Law attorney to get the options, just in case you need to move forward legally.
1 - she is so exhausted that she can't think straight & is mainly going on autopilot
2 - she has the start of dementia herself & again is mainly going on autopilot
It can be hard to distinguish the difference between the 2 - it may be time for some intervention - if possible get any other siblings on board - arrange for a few days off for mom by having dad go for respite - she may not want to go far but 'just catch up on things' but an afternoon at a spa with a massage could help enormously both mentally & physically
You'll have to sell her on this - or maybe arrange for adult day care once a week - you'll have to let her know that you feel she is doing a great job but that you are worried about her not your dad - it might be good to get some info & then ask her to pick from a few choices but she must pick 1 not just flat out say 'no!'
psy for it and also may supply disposable goods like diapers or underpass. It is free and does not have any requirements of assets or income. Solely based on need. It is to help caregivers out because they are a huge asset by taking care of those who would be in nursing homes otherwise.
Also, an evaluation by. Geriatrician May be of help. Mom may allow it if you try saying it is for dad and then see if both may be evaluated.
I was at odds with my mom when she was taking care of my dad. I offered my help; to drive, pay bills (help set them up online for convenience), find a geriatrician to evaluate dad, cook a meal...
she would say no, but then she started to say yes and was relieved by my help. It is about saving face and being of the proud greatest generation.
they need help and may not have the rationalities or logic to accept it. Some things, I would just do, like the dishes or straighten up.
Hang in there.
In the meantime, do some detective work at your parents' house, and find out who their doctors are, what medications they take, and where the important financial documents are. If your Mom is forgetting things, look for piles of mail in cabinets and dresser drawers, and check whether the bills have been paid regularly.
I think my making respite arrangements would be perceived by my mother as a huge betrayal - she wants to be in control of this situation, and as much as possible I do want her to be the one that makes the decisions. I'd like to find some way to help the process along without her noticing that I'm doing anything...
Yes, there's definitely cognitive decline. I think reducing stress would go a long way to improving the memory and cognition problems. Anyway, thanks again for your comments.
Do the folks have POA's in place? Call mom's doc or send a letter. Will mom let you go to the doc with her.l?
I don't know what the POA situation is - having arrived here not long ago I'm still trying to work all that stuff out.
It's very unlikely that she'll let me go to the doctor with her. I've actually been trying to include myself in my father's doctor appointments, with no success yet. My mother sees my father's care as her responsibility, not mine.
I have done this in the past regarding my former MIL. She has at times acted very erratically and I reported the incidents to our shared family doctor. He was happy to know, as he said he sees her every 3 months for a few minutes and only has her word for how she is dealing with things.
It maybe that your mother is dealign with cognitive decline herself and is unwilling or unable to cope with it. Especially when you mention her forgetfulness and denial.
My Mum at almost 85 is physically in great shape and mentally good too, but she is aware that she is getting forgetful when it comes to dates. She dilligently writes everything on her calendar and checks it daily. So at this point I am not too worried, when she stops using the calendar, then I will have to step in to some degree.
What would your Mum do if you make all the respite arrangements and presented it as a done deal?
I think my making respite arrangements would be perceived by my mother as a huge betrayal - she wants to be in control of this situation, and as much as possible I do want her to be the one that makes the decisions. I'd like to find some way to help the process along without her noticing that I'm doing anything...
Yes, there's definitely cognitive decline. I think reducing stress would go a long way to improving the memory and cognition problems. Anyway, thanks again for your comments.