Sort of in the same boat here. Except I did move my dad and disabled brother into my home 8 months ago. After Mom passed 3 years ago Dad's health declined in addition to a suicide attempt. He lives more than an hour away and I spent the first two years driving down there, often staying 3-4 days, just to "take charge" as he put it. Mom took care of everything for the both of them. Tired of the continuous long drive, I moved them in and sold his house - with his approval, of course. He is here, being taken care of, but I still feel guilt. Like I am not doing enough. He is in a deep depression, stays in bed except for meals. Won't take a bath regularly (3 weeks now!), is anxious and nervous about everything. He refuses every attempt at help, argues with my every suggestion. I started seeing a therapist who said I should not feel guilty. That I am doing everything I can and to just "let him be". I have two other siblings who are no help for different reasons. I understand but it is still difficult. I suppose some of the guilt is because I moved them into my home for selfish reasons. I was so tired of the driving. I feel better having them both close so I can take care of them and my husband has been an angel about it all. I am the oldest of 4 kids and an empty nester. I have the room so it seemed the right thing to do. I deal with guilt by telling myself I am doing all I can. I assume he will end up in a nursing home at some point. I am just trying to avoid that for as long as we can. I hope he passes away peacefully in his sleep with his family around him instead. Sorry I know this doesn't help with dealing with guilt. But know that you are not alone. We always feel we could be doing more.
Oh ny! You sure do have a lot to deal with; much more than I do for sure! I have found Joyce Myers books and tapes to be very helpful. Have you heard of her? Try getting her book; Living Beyond Your Feelings. Although there are many spiritual aspects of her teachings; she has wonderful strategies to help to deal with your feelings in life in general. You can take from the book what you need. You can purchase the book on ebay for 3.99! Hope this helps!
I understand how you feel. I struggle with this same question. I’ve talked with friends and counselors for perspective and advice. I know they have support groups that might help with information.
Guilt? Why would what you feel about your family be guilt?
What have you done that you ought not to have done? What have you not done that you ought to have done?
Everything except move in with her...
Would moving in with your mother, just imagining that it were even possible, make her happy, healthy and safe forever? Would it win her her daughters' forgiveness? Would it change the past? Would it reconcile everyone to one another?
I never do seem to put this quite right but bear with me. One thing we can do for people we love is accept a) what they are like and b) the fact of what has happened, without apportioning blame. Your sisters are estranged from your mother. They have their reasons. They need to stay away from her. Can that not be just what is, rather than something you have to solve?
I'm leaving this thought there - what I'm getting at is trying to find a way of being fairer in your expectations of both others and yourself.
I feel the same; guilt, sadness, frustration, anger. You name it. Lots of praying and tears. I am an only child, and my father is deceased. I have a wonderful husband, whom I want to protect what my almost 88 year old mother is doing through. She worries so much that it is making her physically and emotionally sick; to the point of her body shakes. I spoke with her doctor about some things, and she prescribed Remeron to help with anxiety and eating. My mom took one pill; she didn't sleep a wink during the night, and will not take another. She needs some help. She is lonely, since she has outlived all of her friends. She goes to the beaut parlor and church, but is very difficulty for her to emotionally get ready. I want to help her so badly. She often times says she wants my husband and I to move in with her, or she with us. I keep telling her that is not going to happen, for various reasons. I believe that it would not be healthy for my marriage. I wouldn't even mention it to my husband, because I know the answer. I am having a time emotionally with her now, and she lives 10 minutes away, I know I couldn't handle it in the house. During the night, when I wake up, I am continuously praying for God's help for her and me. Sometimes, I get a sick feeling thinking about what she is going through. I go by and see her every other day. I would every day, but she doesn't want that due to nosy neighbors. I buy her groceries, cook for her, eventhough I am not a great cook (grill mostly). I am trying to keep it together. I finally had a crying jag (wailing more like it) in front of her this weekend when I told her I talked to her doctor about meds. I then had a screaming to the top of my lungs in frustration the next day, when my mother told me that she didn't sleep a wink that night that she took one pill. She said that I hope I was happy. She calls me about 20 times a day to go over and over the same ole stuff. I keep telling her that there is no need to call me like that. I always call her every hour or hour and a half to check on her. She can't wait for that amount of time. I am never late on the time that I say I am going to call. Then I feel guilty. When she called me ahead of my time to call her yesterday, she said that she knew I was going to fuss at her, but she couldn't help it. So yes, I feel bad and guilty, but all of this is really getting to me, and it really has been since December of 2018. The passed out in her home, fell on kitchen floor, hit her head, through up blood from a bleeding ulcer. All of that was traumatic for her and my husband and I . She had never been in the hospital, but spent 2 nights. She has been downhill ever since.
Oh my!! You sound like you are doing everything possible for her but it's never enough and probably never will be! Try Joyce Myers books especially the one I mentioned above. You sound spiritual so you probably know her already. Also; take care of yourself; do what you like; exercise; yoga; swimming etc. I do this. It all helps. My doctor told me that every week she sits across from family members in stressful elderly parent situations (if that makes it any easier) Guilt is a wasteful emotion. Try to turn it around and think of all the positive you're doing; she might not be where she is right now if you havent been helping. To be tough; she may be playing you in a way; maybe you should only call her once a day? That's what I do, but my mom is far away. She's in Florida and I'm in New York. I learned there can be "abuse" both ways.
I know you said your mom lives in Florida. Does she live in her own home, in ALF? Is it time for her to have more care? What help does she have with her care now? Can she afford to private pay for care?
Yes. She lives in her own condo; has a home care policy and this is paying for 7 hours of care daily. I finally got a wonderful aide who comes in for 5 hours and back at the dinner hour 5 to feed her. (She has minimal walking and standing ability) the frustrating thing is that she can afford more and we tried to get her in an ALF and she was in one but left there 5 years ago since the insurance company denied her claim! She just wants to do what she wants on her terms and wont listen to anyone. Her strong will is what has kept her alive all these years despite medical conditions, however, this will and stubbornness has also cost the family much trouble over the years. In fact, she told me tonite she wants NO aide help on Sunday and told the agency so today! I contacted the agency and had that straightened out. She called the police on the last part time aide because my mom told her to leave and she wouldn't! This is not the first time either! When a neighbor calls me to tell me there's screaming in her apartment! Omg! Not easy!
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I’ve talked with friends and counselors for perspective and advice.
I know they have support groups that might help with information.
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Guilt? Why would what you feel about your family be guilt?
What have you done that you ought not to have done?
What have you not done that you ought to have done?
Everything except move in with her...
Would moving in with your mother, just imagining that it were even possible, make her happy, healthy and safe forever? Would it win her her daughters' forgiveness? Would it change the past? Would it reconcile everyone to one another?
I never do seem to put this quite right but bear with me. One thing we can do for people we love is accept a) what they are like and b) the fact of what has happened, without apportioning blame. Your sisters are estranged from your mother. They have their reasons. They need to stay away from her. Can that not be just what is, rather than something you have to solve?
I'm leaving this thought there - what I'm getting at is trying to find a way of being fairer in your expectations of both others and yourself.
Lots of praying and tears.
I am an only child, and my father is deceased. I have a wonderful husband, whom I want to protect what my almost 88 year old mother is doing through. She worries so much that it is making her physically and emotionally sick; to the point of her body shakes. I spoke with her doctor about some things, and she prescribed Remeron to help with anxiety and eating. My mom took one pill; she didn't sleep a wink during the night, and will not take another. She needs some help. She is lonely, since she has outlived all of her friends. She goes to the beaut parlor and church, but is very difficulty for her to emotionally get ready. I want to help her so badly. She often times says she wants my husband and I to move in with her, or she with us. I keep telling her that is not going to happen, for various reasons. I believe that it would not be healthy for my marriage. I wouldn't even mention it to my husband, because I know the answer. I am having a time emotionally with her now, and she lives 10 minutes away, I know I couldn't handle it in the house. During the night, when I wake up, I am continuously praying for God's help for her and me. Sometimes, I get a sick feeling thinking about what she is going through. I go by and see her every other day. I would every day, but she doesn't want that due to nosy neighbors. I buy her groceries, cook for her, eventhough I am not a great cook (grill mostly). I am trying to keep it together. I finally had a crying jag (wailing more like it) in front of her this weekend when I told her I talked to her doctor about meds. I then had a screaming to the top of my lungs in frustration the next day, when my mother told me that she didn't sleep a wink that night that she took one pill. She said that I hope I was happy. She calls me about 20 times a day to go over and over the same ole stuff. I keep telling her that there is no need to call me like that. I always call her every hour or hour and a half to check on her. She can't wait for that amount of time. I am never late on the time that I say I am going to call. Then I feel guilty. When she called me ahead of my time to call her yesterday, she said that she knew I was going to fuss at her, but she couldn't help it. So yes, I feel bad and guilty, but all of this is really getting to me, and it really has been since December of 2018. The passed out in her home, fell on kitchen floor, hit her head, through up blood from a bleeding ulcer. All of that was traumatic for her and my husband and I . She had never been in the hospital, but spent 2 nights. She has been downhill ever since.
Is it time for her to have more care?
What help does she have with her care now?
Can she afford to private pay for care?