My mother chose me to be POA ... in (Wisconsin) and at that time was Ok ... due to hospital stay for UTI and very high ammonia levels cause all kinds of mental problems. She’s been out over a yr and I’ve had to move her 3 times now to 3 different assist living places due to her not wanting to stop her drinking within the facilities. She is dying of liver disease (cirrhosis ) to be exact. Been on the transplant list twice and she can’t even call the sickness what it is. She claims she has cancer and she does not have cancer .. yet can remember most every detail that they doctors ask her about anything. Yet to a compentacy test and that doctor said it was time to invoke POA. The problem is she feels totally competant to make all her own choices which I’ve tried to let her have as I don’t wish to be anybody’s keeper especially my mother. But some things like driving ... I don’t want her doing motor skills and response times are not what they need to be to drive. So she’s furious about that and she has no license taken by the state cause of the active POA. Long story short she wants me off as acting POA cause she can only blame me for the choices I’ve made in her best interest but she strongly disagrees .... question - can she her self take me off or who has that authority to do so??
I’m so frustrated I want to give it up, but she’s still my mother and I care for her ... but the insults and bitterness she has now a days is getting ridiculous... and driving what only a few short yrs ago used to be a very loving relationship ..
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Is there a substance abuse rehab she can go to?
Does she still have a car?
Is it possible for you to remove her car from the facility where she is so she can not drive.
OK got that off my mind.
Can you explain to her that if you are not POA a Guardian may have to be appointed and it will either be you or the State will appoint a Guardian and you will be much easier to deal with than a State appointed guardian.
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On the subject of the battles that are becoming so intense with your mom, first does she have someone else to appoint POA? If so maybe it would be helpful for you, take that pressure and wedge out of your relationship. I suspect not though so my suggestion would be to make her doctor or doctors the heavy as much as you can. If indeed her doctor is wanting you to take the reigns and recognizes her issues maybe he or she will be willing to take the heat. I find with my mom that while she may be disgruntled by something (like loosing driving privledges) she is far less apt to argue or push back whith the doctor and we (her kids and POA's) are just following doctors orders. We remind her all the time it was DR... who insisted or even use it as a subtle threat when she wants to be obstinent with us, that's fine Mom but DR... may just take it out of our hands if this doesn't improve. She knows the doctor can call in "outsiders" and while it's all kind of nebulus about what the can or might do the fear of losing all decision making control for her and us is enough to get her to cooperate most of the time. This way while I am facilitating whatever it is she doesn't really want to do, I'm doing what has to be done to protect her from the unknown. We even do little things sometimes to lighten up the restrictions, for instance she isn't supposed to have any salt but it's impossible with her so I'll say have some peanut butter on those crackers (she likes to just lick the salt off an entire package or two at a time) so you get some nourishment and it might help you eat fewer, instead of reprimanding her for the crackers at all. Oh and now I tell her ok if you are going to eat salty foods on a given day so be it but you need to drink extra water on those days you do so your decision, extra water so you can have ham and cheese on crackers (Ugh!) or forget the salty foods so you don't need extra water. Just an example but that all then plays into her bloodwork results and she knows that particularly when we remind her, no hiding results from the doctor...brings us back to using them as the heavy. It's not perfect and don't have the added challenge of alcohol but for us anyway so far it's helped maintain our relationship with her as well as our ability to manage/care for her.
My parents' Durable Power of Attorney documents went into effect as soon as they signed them and they did not mention the ability to change the POA once the POA was invoked. Also, their POA document DID NOT require a doctor to declare them as "incompetent" in order for the POA to be invoked because they owned farms and someone needed to be able to take care of the farm finances and other farm related business whenever they could not. I did not need to "invoke" Dad's POA as he was still able to handle his farm's business up until the day he died. I did have to "invoke" Mom's POA and "take over" her farm business because she could not figure out what needed to be paid when or how to write a check, etc.
You need to read your Mother's POA document and/or ask your attorney what the POA allows or does not allow your Mother to do once the POA is invoked.
Also, has your Mom been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse practitioner? If not, then she needs to be. The geriatric psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse practitioner can evaluate your Mom’s thought process, sensorium (alert and oriented X 3), cognitive function, knowledge base, abstract thought, memory, judgment, insight and calculation ability.
My Mom was evaluated by the facility's psychiatric nurse practitioner. Mom “passed” the MINI-MENTAL EXAM and was “Alert and Oriented X 3”, but she had “Ideas of Unreality – delusional statements”; her thought process was “Confused, derails often with periods of lucidity” and her cognitive function, knowledge base, abstract thought, memory, judgment, and insight were all “impaired" and she could not figure out how many quarters were in $2.75. Unfortunately the Social Service Assistant at the nursing home thought that Mom was competent and able to take care of her own finances. So when Mom became angry at me and my brother for making arrangements to pay for Mom's nursing home bill while we waited for Mom's Long Term Care Insurance to go into effect, the Social Service Assistant "helped" Mom to revoke my brother and myself as POAs and name our family attorney as POA. I had to hire my own attorney and petition for guardianship and conservatorship. During the process, the Attorney Ad Lidem assigned by the Court to represent Mom decided that Mom DID NOT know what she was doing nor understand the consequences and asked the Court to "disregard" the revocation that Mom had made and return Power of Attorney to me. If the Social Service Assistant had read psychiatric nurse practitioner's notes, maybe she would not have encouraged Mom to revoke my POA. Who knows!?!
Having an psychiatric evaluation available in your Mom’s health records that proves that your Mom is NOT able to handle her own affairs will strengthen your position as her POA—especially if your Mom (or someone well-meaning person thinks that your Mom is competent) challenges your POA status.
Dealing with seniors who should not be driving.
There are many ways to try to address this but here is what I have found. Most families don't want to be the one to tell a parent that they can not drive because it can cause a lot of problems in their relationship with the parent. What I have my families do is call the Department of Revenue and tell them that individual is unsafe to be driving. The Department of Revenue will then contact the individual and tell them that they are going to have to submit to a driving test to keep their license. If the senior truly is not safe to drive they will not pass the test.
Another thing I have done is have the seniors doctor write a doctor's order to the individual telling them that they can no longer drive. Some seniors will follow any order their doctor tells them. Sounds simple but has worked with some seniors.
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